Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Try not to panic!

Look at one piece of the problem at a time, and do what you can do. I know it is not going to be good, but you will make it!

((((((((CW))))))))

[mkultra]

I may have a slight suggestion. I have put my kids on a Community wait list for child care. It takes a long time but if my toddler gets in, it will save me a lot of money as it is subsidized. I did that with my D when she was 2-5! Check out your local Community College or city. Check to see if you can share a nanny or take in a foreign exchange student who is certified to babysit. Sometimes it is cheaper depending on your hours.

I am bringing my D6 to work with me to save money on daycare. I will also have to file for support but it is so tricky when you are trying to save your marriage because it feels like another piece of paper that goes in the divorce file, right?

[cw68]

I have them on one waiting list for child care at the school and am looking for more. I probably won't be getting them in this year, maybe next.

[cw68]

H and I had a good discussion tonight; he was here watching the kids while I was at ethics training as required by the City for which I am a public official. Man I wish they had marriage and parenting ethics training... I digress.

Anyway, we were talking about a few logistics, housing, etc. and I felt very comfortable sharing a lot of my concerns and worries about how we do this whole divorce thing. You know, splitting bills, deciding what's important, how to deal with dates and sleepovers of ours, etc. A few times he just said, "We'll just have to deal with these things as they come up, take things day by day." and I disagreed telling him that a lot of things we are going to have to address before they come up to avoid the emotions of the moment. I was crying, but not beating him up or anything, and it got very real. He came over and hugged me to comfort me at one point, which I really appreciated. About ten minutes later we were both crying, hugging each other and he said, "Don't worry, everything will work out OK." I replied, "I wish I believed that." Him: "Me, too."

It was really good. I was able to tell him a lot of my fears, most of which are rational and irrational at the same time. We talked about a number of situations that could arise to rock the boat, a boat which we may thing we've worked out. It was a lot of cold calculations that are part of the whole divorce thing. I told him I was so concerned about money and he said not to worry, that we'll work it out, that he was committed to doing that for me and the kids. In reply I said, "I just don't know how that's going to happen. One year ago you were more committed to me than you'll ever be again and we haven't been able to work anything out." The whole talk went well. Honest, open and not judgmental. More importantly, I was able to really unload a few things that have been bothering me and even told him that what I mentioned was only a portion of what I'm worried about.

He left crying. We were both sad. D7 lost a tooth today and I asked if he wanted to put the tooth fairy money under her pillow. It was very sad to me.

I am better than I was yesterday morning. Once he left, I only cried for a bit and I'm not crushed by the impending implosion of our family. Just worried and sad.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((cw))))))))

I wonder if the same thing might get you H that I think is hitting BobbiJo's? When you start to talk about this really happening, and it starts to look real, maybe questions come into his mind?

I'm glad to hear you sounding better. You know we are all here for you! And I still don't think you started DB too late! (Though he is clearly an idiot, too!)

[cw68]

It's hitting him, but it's too late. Seriously. I know that. They aren't so much questions to him, but hard realities that he has to live. He feels badly for the hurt he's caused but still won't do anything about it. He really thinks everything will be better divorced. I just disagree, but I know this is where my life is going. It's going to be hard as hell and everything will change. I and my kids will never be the same. H won't either, but that's what he wants to happen.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((cw)))))))

I see what you are saying. He could still turn, but he would have to be ready to face what he's done, which is a tough trick.

I think you are right, nothing will be the same. I'd like to think that in time, a lot of things can be better. But the near term will be really hard. Stay with us. I think of you as a friend!

[cw68]

I know some things will be better. I'm up to the challenge, just don't want it. I'm going to be 40 starting out at the beginning in so many ways and it's daunting.

My childrens' childhoods won't be as free and easy-going as I wanted them to be. They will not have the same opportunities, but that's not to say their opportunities will be gone. They will have many obstacles in their way, both financially, physically (distance between parents) and emotionally.

I look forward to eventually finding someone who loves me wholly, supports me and values me. I, in turn, look forward to doing that again to somebody. But I doubt I'll ever get married again. I'm not going to that joke on Jay Leno about being in her third marriage.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well, one advantage of starting out again at 40 (or more, in some cases!) is that you know a lot more this time around! So you can make new mistakes, instead of the same ones you made the first time!

Hopefully when you do find the person you are looking for (and I haven't totally given up on your idiot...I mean, H) your kids will get to see a better example of what a M should be. Hey, I'm looking hard for silver linings!

I'm sure you will be loved again, you have always sounded like a wonderful person, from the first evening we "met"! Who knows about marriage, never say never!

((((((((((cw))))))))))

[cw68]

Well, some good news. H has agreed to marriage counseling BUT NOT for our marriage, rather for us to communicate better for the sake of our children and the fact that we are stuck with each other forever. This gives me hope for our children that they will have parents who don't hate each other and can effectively communicate. He has said repeatedly that he "is done with this marriage" and I believe him. I'm not going to be stupid and hope that this will change that. It's not going to. He is done. But we have to repair our relationship for the sake of the kids and for our sakes too. Even though he agreed to this too late to make a change in our relationship, it gives me hope that we will start to heal. He reiterated that he will not go to Retro, but he will do this.