The Ultimatum

[fooled again]

grid,

Thank you grid, but sometimes I don't feel so much strong as fed up...fed up with being in limbo and having my life on hold while he continues to play games, lie & string me along. And I'm not afraid of losing him anymore - that's what kept me from doing this long ago.

My ultimatum letter said that I need to get on w/ my life, with or w/out him, it's his choice, but in order for me to do so w/ him, I needed certain things from him, but I didn't give him time lines in the letter; I simply said to take the time he needed to decide, but to be sure of his decision. I said I didn't need his answer right away, but I wouldn't wait forever.

My conditions: (1) H moves home, (2) H is transparent, open & honest, (3) H&I seek financial help to deal w/ debts, and most of all, (4) no contact w/ OW & H provides me w/ proof. Should he choose not to fulfill them or be unable to, then I am out of his life, except as a co-parent.

After telling me he is sure he wants to be w/ me, and assuring me he would meet my conditions, he has been pushing to get closer (esp. wrt sex). Last Thursday I went to his place and talked to him about time lines for (1) and (4), as these are the most important as first steps, but have left him some flexibility:

(1) I said I would like him to give notice the next day & start moving back home asap, not wait until end of July. He told me Sat he gave in his notice & would get a signed copy back today. This means he must be out of his apt. by end of July at the latest. I said I would like him home b/f that.

(2) H is starting to leave his cell out. I will ask for email passwords, etc. Also I asked him to tell me where he is when he will not be reachable by cell. He agreed.

(3) Under consideration - H doesn't think we need it, but is willing to seek advice to plan for the future. "However you want to word it sweetie..."

(4) I said I wanted him to set up meeting w/ OW for this week, we would pay her what he owes her, she would pick up her stuff & he would tell her no contact ever again with me there. He has not advised me of the day/time of this meeting so my guess is he hasn't set it up yet. I will be asking him about this later today.

H has been "talking me on and and on and on" for the past 2 years. I never gave him an ultimatum before and I expect that he knows I am dead serious. We are spending time together, but no sex, and this is a huge 180 for me. I'm hoping this is the way he knows I am not going to back down - I'm pretty sure H knows that our sexual connection is just as important for me as it is for him.

But I also know that I can't make him do what I want. In my letter I said if he wants to be w/ me, it has to be something he chooses freely, with no guilt, obligation or regret. He seemed frustrated, angry & depressed this w/end, especially yesterday - I don't know if he is still wrestling w/ his choice or if he is still in MLC overt depression. Maybe a little of both. I will be encouraged if I see the signed copy of his notice letter today. Otherwise, it will be time to go a little dim...

Take care grid. Btw, I'm still wrestling w/ my dog issues. I'm afraid it was probably a mistake to get a dog when I did, as I don't have the time or emotional energy to dedicate to her, and I can see her suffering a bit. I am looking into a couple of training options, but I may have to admit to myself that this is too much for me right now. If so, I will find her a good home. I'll give it until the Fall b/f I make my final decision on that.

Sorry for going on and on - I guess this was a good exercise for me to evaluate my own progress as well

FA