Why do you believe him now any more than the other 100 times? He is in limbo land and likes it. As soon as he has her back and you start to move on...well, you know the rest
!
You're so right SD, there was no offer made on Friday, infact, he didn't even call, as he was on a trip w/OW.
Saturday was the closing day for Little League & the day he was to keep S5 for the 2nd time ever @ his place. I could tell when he showed up that he was going to try & continue the cycle. He said he'd like to pick up S5's thing's for the night later, but I had him take everything with him, so he wouldn't have to come back. He looked worse than the last time I thought I'd seen him at his worst, like he hadn't slept in a week.
I drove separately, as I had to be somewhere before it ended, & kept my distance. When I left, I said goodbye to S & gave H a small wave.
I could feel him watching me leave the field & just when I was out of eyesight, he called. I guess he was shocked that I was actually leaving.
"You may want to stick around & celebrate w/S5 & me. Oh, never mind, you already have plans, so I'll let you go."
I said, "Okay....Bye."
More of the same yesterday, except when nothing was working, out came the threats of "moving this forward & giving me an offer." The last was, "You're being very secretive about where you'll be w/S5 after I bring him home, I'm his father & I need to know who he's going to be spending time with."
After no participation from me (amazing the effect!)he said, "That's it, this is all going to blow up in your face. I'm going to give you an offer today."
After all that drama on his part, he shows up, nicer than nice, trying everything he can to engage me.
I asked him if he had anything for me. "No, I'm not going to do that. I won't threaten you anymore."
Wonder how long OW is going to sit still for no filing, no forward movement?
I don't feel caught up in it anymore. Just very calm & happy. It'll all work out if I don't interfere, is my thought.
Hi L, welcome back! I'll get over to you when I get back from taking S5 to swimming lessons. Same to Kalni & Nomopo......
It's just like riding a bike for you, isn't it?? Leave us for months on end, and then cut to the heart of the matter in a single line of text...
Well, of all the lessons I've learned the most powerful is perhaps this: You cannot control someone else. Only yourself. They tell us that early on, but it takes a while to sink in. I think I finally got it.
Hugs all around!
Nomopo
PS - anyone know if I have a thread anymore???
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
There was a pretty big step-up last night by H when I once again held to my boundaries. I left the house shortly after he showed up to take S5 to dinner, declining to go with them as I already had plans.
So, when I came home, he took out the big guns (I'm pretty sure he asked S5 where we went Sunday & he told him the yacht club. Quite a change from the usual Father's Day celebration he enjoyed when we were together).
Just as he was leaving, he said he had "The Offer" that I asked for (???)in the car, & if I wanted it, he would go get it. I said I would go out to the car with him & get it, no need to come back in the house. I commented that he said he wasn't going to give it to me yesterday. He said he was referring to child custody (?/?), not "The Offer."
We get to the car & he opens a notebook & hands me a soccer application for S5.
Stalls some more, says we need to finally just go for it & stop tripping each other up.
I took my friend CVA's counsel & said nothing more than a calm "OK" when he handed me the envelope. We stood there starring at each other with that "I'm not backing down" look for a couple of minutes.
That's when he asked me if I'd ever seen the movie Dr. Strangelove, where events reach a certain point of no return. Where you try to stop from blowing each other apart, but it's too late to stop the destruction.
I asked if he was saying we're NYC & Moscow. Yes, & once I take this envelope, failsafe is put into action.
I handed back the envelope & said I was going back inside, if he decides he wants me to have it, leave it on the porch table for me.
He snaps it back into the folder & asks me if I'd like to go dinner on Weds., D24 is in town...think about it.
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (aka Dr. Strangelove) (1964) is a black comedy film directed by Stanley Kubrick and starring Peter Sellers and George C. Scott. Loosely based by screenwriter Terry Southern on Peter George's Cold War thriller novel Red Alert (aka Two Hours to Doom), Dr. Strangelove satirizes the Cold War and the doctrine of mutual assured destruction.
The story concerns a mentally unstable US Air Force general who orders a first strike nuclear attack on the Soviet Union, and follows the President of the United States, his advisors, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a Royal Air Force (RAF) officer as they try to recall the bombers to prevent a nuclear apocalypse.
After the Soviet bomb went off, that would not work, since the U.S. was then just as vulnerable. Mutually Assured Destruction (with the appropriate acronym MAD) became the doctrine of choice, with deterrence as its linchpin.
If models of nuclear wars were unemotional, the arms race and space race were its opposites. The launching of Sputnik gave the U.S. a sort of inferiority complex about the state of its technology. Followed by the Russians sending the Yuri Gagarin up as the first man in space, a fret to catch-up was understandable. It was even viewed as a military necessity; if the Russians could send a dog into orbit, why not a nuclear bomb into orbit? why not a nuclear bomb into Washington? The specter of destruction from a distance spurned a space race. At first the U.S. saw its efforts fail -- "Flopnik" the press dubbed the American attempt. Eventually however, Americans began closing the imaginary missile gap, allowing a very great crisis to emerge.
.... perhaps a thaw was needed in relations, perhaps all the manic scurrying would cause humanity to end and to scurry no more.
It was into this mood that Dr. Strangelove was tossed into, with replies of worry, censure, confusion, and tempered laughter at the foolishness of the world's greatest nations.
-- Obviously, Kubrick pondered deeply the astonishing reality that idea that man was smart enough to blow up the earth, but not smart enough to stop that from happening.
How's life in Dr. Strangelove land? I was struck by the maneuvering, the intricate dance around the papers: they're in the car, you'll go with him to the car so he won't come back, he hands you, you hand back... SD is so right about the chess game. Your H is all bluster, sound and fury that signifies nothing.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
I don't feel caught up in it anymore. Just very calm & happy.
Is this still true? I hope so for you. How's S5 doing?
I'm at the end of it again & feel like making a move. My friend CVA tells me I get this way every holiday or occassion, like birthday's, etc.
When H came to pick up S's yesterday, he did the regular "ask" me to go with them, without really asking directly (you can come if you want to, you need to eat, right?), so it would look like I just came along. That way he's being true to OW. I finally just said I wouldn't go anywhere with him while he has a GF & I don't enjoy being treated like a toy you get out to play with.
So, he says, "I hear ya, but I don't treat you like a toy & never have" & leaves.
He wants to come over & spend 4th of July here on Friday with all of us. I'm feeling like I don't want to keep this up the way it is...cake eating. So, I think I may e-mail him that we can each have Evan for part of the holiday, (not together).
CVA tells me to do nothing, ignoring him & acting as if, is the way to go.
I'm sitting on it for the time being, since I'm not going to see him until tomorrow.
My hands are numb from sitting on them.
It seems that the longer this goes on, the more comfortable he is in keeping it up. From the looks of it, that's typical of the pattern.
I don't know if I should make any changes, or what the best ones might be.
I don't feel caught up in it anymore. Just very calm & happy.
Is this still true? I hope so for you
It's a mixed bag lately, pretty happy, although the calm is a little up & down at the moment.
One of my best friends lives next door to H. I don't talk about him with her because I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable position, & also don't want to hear any "news" for PMA reasons. She just called & mentioned that OW has been spending a lot of time at the house, but she's never seen her there at the same time as S5. I told her S has never met her. Wouldn't you think that was odd if you weren't introduced to your BF's child after 14 month's! I am glad he at least has some rational behavior on this.
I am in awe... you working on the relationship for 14 months, with a husband who's had/has another partner.
I feel like I'm in an impossible situation... husband bolts out to undisclosed location, turns out it's with another woman he's been with during our marriage, starts divorce proceedings the day he moves out.. everything happening in a few weeks time.
How do you do it? I'm trying to move forward but not get divorced, if that makes sense. The more it goes on, the more I realize I don't believe in divorce.. I just don't. I believe you work through things. We let things fester forever.. now I have a different understanding of what is possible.
All he wants is to divorce me, his goal in life. What in the heck do I do?
