Here's the latest...We are going to see an attorney to do the property settlement. I was on the phone with her for over an hour. Some D talk, her opening up and telling me what I did wrong; how my stress affected her...and it DID screw things up. She started crying when telling me of my behavior and got fed up. But later she told me that she forgives me and is beyond it. Hmmm. It clearly still hurts her.
She did make mention of our recent nice visits saying that they are making new good memories. But she places these visits in the friendship category...not at all the beginnings of anything. I told her that I had noticed that, after we have a nice visit, she walls-off and seems to feel threatened by it (I put the cards on the table). I told her that the good calls and visits DO NOT give me hope (I lied). I said that I now expect her to pull back after such a positive visit. She confirmed that. I added that I was painfully aware that these nice visits never leave me feeling that things are turning around. I asked if we could just get a stinking cup of java and not read into it. She welcomed that. It seemed to help put her at ease.
But, man, she sure seems to love her lifestyle and really wants this divorce. I asked her why she kept telling me "let me go..." She got the impression that I was stalling the settlement by not calling her. I told her that I did not believe in this D and would not be calling her, moving this along. She would have to call me and I was letting it go at HER pace.
She said she is very happy being on her own and she is moving on. She says she is not feeling sexual at all and does NOT want a relationship with anyone. Really sounds like she is fried with relationships and wants to truly be alone. She very clearly told me that she does not want to be married to me. When asked how she would feel seeing me with another woman, she said she would welcome it. That freaking hurt but I asked.
We ended up talking about what as going on in her life and actually had a good talk...but maybe I have to go dark for her to see what she is losing. If it were not for the proceedings, I would not even call her. We told each other that we loved each other. I backslid on some issues. I even asked her to put the D on hold so she didn't have to refi the house and raise the mortgage through the roof. Of coarse, "no". I had to try.
I'm really trying to "let go", but I'm afraid I will be "done" with her and this would end things for sure. I don't know what to think, except to take her word of what she says.
Me: 46 Second Marriage WAW: 38 First Marriage Separated: Dec. 2007 W Filed for D: Feb. 2008 For more hope, click: http://rejoiceministries.org/