After signing, we went back to my office. Usual comfortable talking, sharing of what we're each doing and excited about, etc. She stood to leave and I was going to just watch her walk out, but stood up instead and hugged her. She hugged me back really hard. I held her for awhile but was ready to pull back when I felt her start to release me. She told me about her travel plans and I said I could stop by the house if she needed me to. She said she didn't think so, but then asked if I didn't mind - she didn't want me to feel weird. I told her I didn't feel weird - we'd known each other a long time and we can't just stop being friends. She said she appreciated my understanding and pleasantness through all of this and for being friendly, then she started to cry and reached out for my hand. I held it and then told her I was sorry I had hurt her, that it hadn't been my intention. She said she was sorry for what she had done too. I told her that it was all in the past and we could both be better together in the future. She agreed, then left.
Puppy, I'm sure you have some 2x4s for me and I probably deserve them. If I'd taken your advice from the start and held both her and myself to a higher standard, and enforced that standard, things would probably be much different. Who knows - it's so hard to see the right direction when you're in the midst of things and all you can rely on are your own instincts. For better or worse, mine are to be understanding and loving - a nice guy, who I guess will always finish last.
I'm very sad right now, but it'll all be okay. I just need to keep thinking through things and being patient with myself. It was the giving up hope over the previous couple of weeks, the really letting go and admitting that this isn't a repeat of 9 years ago, that was much harder.
