I am slowly coming to the realization that if I were to set two goals (i) make enough money to buy a yacht on the Mediterranean and (ii) place myself in a social environment where there is a remote possibility of meeting a potential date - I am more like to make goal (i) over goal (ii).
Goal (i) is easier b/c there is no risk - and I am not all that attached to the idea of a yacht anyway. Work goals are like a game to me.
Goal (ii) involves putting myself out on a limb - expanding the envelope of my comfort zone.
I will always have enough things on my "to do" list to justify avoiding (ii).
Now that being said, I know my standards for (ii) are high. Ironically my inflexible non-negotiable standard that a man my age be legally D significantly reduces the number of available men. Many people get on their high horse when a WAS declares themselves to be emotionally D while legally M - and the LBS reaches a point where they are emotionally D and the legal D is treated like a semantic. Then it becomes "well he/she did it first - so they are more wrong than me." And that may fly with many if not most people - but it does not work for me. I do actually expect a lot of people - but no more than I demand of myself. And I myself dated an emotionally D person within months of my legal D when I was a member of the walking wounded - and have learned from that experience.
Perhaps this is an anti-X requirement in that The X while he didn't cheat on me or if he did I don't know about it. But he was all about "instant gratification." And well that created conflict in my M. He liked nice things and wanted them NOW. I like nice things but wait till I can afford them.
I am putting myself out there more by going to seminars for social reasons. The people there are a little more driven and self disciplined. At the seminar - the gym was packed at the hotel at 6:30 in the morning. And some people left for an hour to finish work. Those are the kind of people that are a good fit for me.
I am also going to participate in the political fun stuff - not to change the world - but to get involved in the social scene. I want to go more the fundraisers - as opposed to the "passionate" ones that are out to change the world. I am an Obama supporter - and those that support him - well there is a like-minded element there. And as cynical as I have become - there is something about him that moves me....
I shook his hand the day the election results were finalized roughly 4 years ago... I was devastated and went into work late. As I exited the train station, he happened to be at the exit and was shaking everyone's hand and thanking them for their vote. He had won - there was no PR reason for him to be there. He made eye contact, firm handshake and said "thank you for your vote." A reporter was standing there and asked me what I thought. I was so shocked - that I barely stuttered out the words "Hope..." And now well - I am afraid to hope b/c politics are so ugly these days... But maybe it is time to take a baby step back towards believing in something that may be greater...
In any case, the past eight years are coming to an end. No matter who wins - it will be different. While I may have different views that some, I have a deep sense of respect for Obama, Clinton and McCain. As I talk to friends - both Republican and Democrat - we all feel a deep sense or relief that those eight years are ending... It has been a very very very long eight years.
So here is the issue - the facts speak for themselves. I cannot even stay on topic with respect to dating! LOL!
I have cut and pasted a post I wrote on N_hill's thread. Sigh - so getting back to The Issue w/o digressing:
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I have a question for you that I have been asking myself lately...
Do I go out on limbs where there is next to no emotional risk involved - i.e. where I am not dependent on another individual in any way, shape or form? That is an arena where I have total control.
And do I shy away from any risk that involves an emotional risk where my emotional state may be swayed/dependent by/on the behavior of others?
Notice how my post about dating was immediately followed by a post that will lead to the creation of an AG empire. I think in my case, it would be easier to create and run the country's largest patent firm, make a statement on behalf of all womankind in this male dominated world of patent law and keep 100's of the biggest baddest attorneys in line than take an emotional risk....
Oh good, you brought this over to your thread so we don't make No_hill crazy.
I've always told people that the reason I've been unsuccessful in relationships is that other people are involved. I have close friends since high school, my first boyfriend and I are still close. That makes me feel capable of having people close to me (outside family members). However, professionally, I'd rather be given my tasks and a deadline - upon completion, I upload to the team. Yeah, I forget my Myers-Briggs but it's something like an introverted extrovert.
Ewww. Just typing that has made me realize a thing or two. This is going to be an interesting thread.....
I understand where you are coming from in looking for a new R.... I had a buddy who met his W on eHarmony..... I have known several people who met their spouses there.... For many, it takes the "guesswork" out of it.... People are there to meet people.... IMHO, it would be a more efficient use of your time to meet guys there....... I am sure a gal like you could find what she looking for there...
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 06/16/0806:05 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I've always told people that the reason I've been unsuccessful in relationships is that other people are involved.
Actually I am extrovert and other stuff on the Myers Brigges. I have some close friends that I let in - but they are still safe and it is a distributed system with lots of redundancy. I am not dependent on someone for anything that another friend in the group can't step in to help.
And I can walk into a room full of strangers, engage people, have fun and walk out w/o forming any emotional attachments. I seem to make an impression - but for some reason most of it doesn't stick as much at my end... Sometimes people get hurt b/c they think we have a connection - and well I don't...
And The X did say during our M that he felt that I didn't need him or trust him to catch me if I fell. And Michele suggested during the first session that perhaps The X needed to be needed by me....
And when I was stuck in a wheelchair for three months - well - that was when I was really tested... But I think my behavior was borderline insane when it came to preserving my independence...
I knew dating would open another can of worms... And here I was feeling so balanced and centered! LOL!
Are you as "unable to depend on another" challenged as I am?
I know I have heard about a lot of people that have had luck with online dating. I know - I am difficult - or perhaps good at making excuses... Feel free to call me on it if you see me "creating" justifications to avoid getting out there.
The reasons why I am not comfortable online dating:
(i) I would have to post my picture. And well I feel very uncomfortable doing that... Am sure I will post about The Appearance Issue a few posts down the road...
(ii) I like to get to know people w/o the pressure of having to decide what I want NOW. In my ideal perhaps flawed vision of an R - I want the friendship first. And I move very slowly. I am a slow even among turtles.
(iii) I feel like it is tough for me to get a handle on a person online. You can be whoever you want to be. And once again - that whole pressure about what I want, where am I going... The answer truthfully is I don't know.
Okay - go ahead and poke holes in all I have said! It is very likely I will find something wrong with any suggestion anyone makes right now. But while I may disagree - I do listen and sometimes the wisdom percolates into my brain days after I read/listen to a post. So I am all ears.
Please forgive me if I am wrong... But you have remarried right? How did you meet your W?
A part of me hesitates to post about this... And I have posted about it in the past and have had the veracity of my posts questioned and in some cases mocked.
But allowing that to intimidate me from posting to get where I need to go would be ridiculously thin-skinned at my end and giving more value to those that seek to diminish that which is important to me than is warranted...
I guess the first step is to replace The with My - I need to not distance this issue.
My appearance has caused issues throughout my career. Or perhaps it is the people that caused issues and I have attributed that behavior to my appearance.
There is a segment of the population that seems to characterize my appearance as falling into the definition of attractive. And there are times when men that belong to that segment react to my appearance.
My appearance has caused issues with women "friends." Sometimes some women that are not secure with their own appearance feel not so secure around me. And I use quotations b/c my real women friends are not threatened by the way I look.
When I was at The Resort. There were two occassions where two different women that I was hanging out with were visibly annoyed at the male attention I was getting. I posted about it at the time distancing this issue from me by attributing the fact that I was surrounded by men to the magical wheelchair. And I react to women acting that way by "diminishing" myself in other ways to make myself "less attractive" so they feel more attractive. I don't want to do that anymore. Ironically another woman wants to go to the Resort with me b/c I am the bait and she likes that I diminish myself - she is more aggresive. So my discomfort had lead to attracting not so great people into my life that want to leverage my weakness to their advantage.
I don't know and can't quantify what part of male reaction to me is appearance and what part is personality. Since my D, at least 5 men that I have talked to on the phone and have never met in person or that have never seen a picture of me have decided they are attracted to me and wanted to actually to sleep with me or an R.
People, sometimes total strangers, men and/or women do come up to me and compliment me on my appearance - happens maybe 2-3 times a year.
There have been occasions where men from work are really are taken aback when they meet me b/c my appearance surprises them.
I had to establish my Remington Steele law firm so my appearance was invisible and all that I put out there was my brain - to be taken seriously...
I am secure with how I look - in that I have never really analyzed what I look like. I am too busy most of the time to really care. Or perhaps I am not - why else am I posting about this...
I consider my appearance to be a gift from my parents. I take neither credit nor responsibility for it. I take responsibility for my professional achievements b/c I actually have a hand in it. My appearance - well it is just there.
I am posting random thoughts b/c part of why I don't like putting myself out there is b/c it involves facing how I look. And while I am secure with myself - I am not always very comfortable with people's reaction to it.
A part of me really thought maybe hoped this would be a non-issue as I aged...
Most of my male friends sense this and know that my appearance is off limits - in even complimenting me on a casual platonic level.
I have no desire to be ugly. I want to be able to be comfortable being me w/o worrying about how people will react to me.
It is the truth - it is reality from my perspective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - different minds will have a different take on this whole appearance mess.
I know I have heard about a lot of people that have had luck with online dating. I know - I am difficult - or perhaps good at making excuses... Feel free to call me on it if you see me "creating" justifications to avoid getting out there.
The reasons why I am not comfortable online dating:
(i) I would have to post my picture. And well I feel very uncomfortable doing that... Am sure I will post about The Appearance Issue a few posts down the road...
(ii) I like to get to know people w/o the pressure of having to decide what I want NOW. In my ideal perhaps flawed vision of an R - I want the friendship first. And I move very slowly. I am a slow even among turtles.
(iii) I feel like it is tough for me to get a handle on a person online. You can be whoever you want to be. And once again - that whole pressure about what I want, where am I going... The answer truthfully is I don't know.
Okay - go ahead and poke holes in all I have said! It is very likely I will find something wrong with any suggestion anyone makes right now. But while I may disagree - I do listen and sometimes the wisdom percolates into my brain days after I read/listen to a post. So I am all ears.
Please forgive me if I am wrong... But you have remarried right? How did you meet your W?
Thanks for posting!
take care, AG
AG,
I will speak from my "unofficial knowledge" of eHarmony..... I am NOT saying I "officially" know anything.....
The only people who see your pic are your matches..... I really think it is important to share that as a "baseline"....... Many people just want a rough idea of what you look like....... From my pictures, gals have said the pics do NOT look as I look in person... Every one said I was "cuter" or "more attractive" in person....
As a guy, when looking for a gal, I was looking for someone I COULD be attracted to.... She does NOT have to be someone who blows me away.... What I personally find attractive and sexy is a gal's looks PLUS her personality.... Some of the most "plain Janes" in pictures are OFF THE CHART attractive in person....
Not everyone on eHarmony is looking for M tomorrow.... You can find a guy who is willing to take it slow......
You can NEVER get a handle on a person online. You need to put in hours and hours and hours on the phone or in person...... This is the EXACT same time you would have to put in to someone you meet elsewhere......
I am happily remarried to my "dream girl"...... I asked God for a few things....... I NEVER told Him I wanted her to be a Nurse.... I never told Him I wanted her to be a Latina woman.... Guess what? She is EVERYTHING I wanted.... AND she is a Nurse..... AND she is a Latina..... God is sooooooo awesome!
I met her somewhere...... I will not say exactly where.... But, you can guess based on my "unofficial" experience...
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 06/16/0811:29 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Are you as "unable to depend on another" challenged as I am?
Absolutely. I'm getting better at asking for help after realizing this was a problem. It's a tough gig to figure out since I'm used to and completely content with doing things for myself. My issue that needs to be fixed is doing too much for others, too dependable. I take on so much that I get frustrated with the load after a while, which is no one's fault but my own. Learning to sit on my hands has proven to be quite a challenge, but I'm getting better.
So, in return I ask you, do you find yourself accommodating others too much (mostly in a R)? I think that is more my problem. Most people don't have an issue with someone taking care of themselves, however, by being too accommodating, I tend to attract men who take advantage of that.
All Information overload. Deep - Thought provoking - and lots of it, with a wide variety of subjects.
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drive No_Hill crazy
Too late already am. I will attempt to respond without digressing into a favorite topic (myself) too much.
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I'm used to and completely content with doing things for myself. My issue that needs to be fixed is doing too much for others, too dependable. I take on so much that I get frustrated with the load after a while, which is no one's fault but my own. Learning to sit on my hands has proven to be quite a challenge, but I'm getting better.
I avoid many posts for that purpose. Often I think I can do good but I realize my time writing and their reading is better spent elsewhere. It sometimes is egotistical of me to believe I can make such a difference.
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It is the truth - it is reality from my perspective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - different minds will have a different take on this whole appearance mess.
It is your perspective and your world. Only you can determine what you want thus if someone tells you to change your criteria they are wrong. You may need patience but you have time.
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5 men
You must have been a voice coach in a previous life.
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There is a segment of the population that seems to characterize my appearance as falling into the definition of attractive. And there are times when men that belong to that segment react to my appearance.
I agree. Often what we see as very attractive we act differently. I have analyzed my actions afterwards over time and felt embarrassed but both myself and the other person. Nothing immoral or overly foolish but too eager to please. When it was done to me in some previous decade I knew how I felt.
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I had to establish my Remington Steele law firm so my appearance was invisible and all that I put out there was my brain - to be taken seriously
That violates the number 1 rule of business. Green. Ok I will not invest in tobacco companies but Hey I love a good Cuban cigar. That does not make me a bad guy! I may flirt with the attractive lady in marketing but if the ugly old man gets me a better deal then he gets the business then I have enough dough to buy the attractive lady's good looking friend dinner since I do not mix dating with people I work with. Bad for business.
I dated my bosses best friend and that got hairy. If I ever run into that female boss again I will have to thank her for not firing me since for other reasons my only accomplishment was to stay employed at that time. I would have fired me.
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When I was at The Resort. There were two occassions where two different women that I was hanging out with were visibly annoyed at the male attention I was getting
I love those ladies. All the competition goes to one source then I clean up the rest. They get slammed and I get variety and numbers.
This has all the makings of a great business idea.
Years ago when I was training regularly I lived 5 miles from a town of 200 people thus coyotes outnumbered us. Some of the menfolk asked me if I was going to pursue their wives. Actually one of them who asked hit on my X years later (dirtbag) but it was funny cause it was something I never considered or desired.
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I am also going to participate in the political fun stuff - not to change the world - but to get involved in the social scene. I want to go more the fundraisers
I know nothing about these folks but you may find a like minded person secure in their self. To be able to give to a fundraiser they must have had luck or brains. Best of luck.
As a man it's easier in this department. When younger I choose to shave my head, dress, and acquire mannerisms that were contrary to what most ladies seem to like since all you need is one. Now that personna has been forged by experience and the initial effort it is all I know but I am comfortable with it because it was my choice I did for myself. In fact my entire situation has arisin from a series of choices most which I made or influenced. It is my decision on how to label said choices.
When I am on that beach it's my beach and I run it. With your firm it's your firm and you run it. You can look like Holley Berry or Golda Meier cause it's your firm. What counts is your confidence and ability to do the job for your clients so they get the #1 color in business. Green.
AG There is a reason why you look the way you do. AO there is a reason why you have the ability to pass on information on the subjects you do.
In each case it is a good thing. In my world both of you would be considered arm candy and I would get my peers respect however that's a bonus cause the #1 objective is a good time had by all.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I am not dependent on someone for anything that another friend in the group can't step in to help.