Bring on the Rain - Part 2

[SueS]

Hi everyone-

NoCode- I love the Rascal Flatts song "Stand". However, listening to them reminds me of songs that OW has sent to H and for some reason I have a hard time listening to them now. Karen- Thanks for the "Take a Bow" song. I haven't heard that. I'll have to give it a listen. I did look up the lyrics. Sounds good.

Journaling.......
The weekend was hard. I guess maybe I'm on a bit of a down swing right now....a little pity party. We didn't do much on Friday evening. We had some dinner & just hung out watching movies. H tried to initate sex and I have to admit that I was weak and gave in this time. He kissed me for the first time in months. He slept in our bed. But, his actions on Saturday just gave Sue a big old reminder of how it's all about him.

On Sat. morning we took D4 to "Walking with Dinosaurs". It was really great and a surprise for her. She couldn't stop smiling. We had fun. When we got home, I cleaned up the kitchen & then D4 and I went for a walk. His phone rang before we left but he wouldn't answer it. When we got back from our walk, we surprised him by coming in a different door. He was on the deck, quickly got off his phone and acted like he was sweeping & cleaning up the deck. I'm not stupid. He NEVER cleans that. From about that time on, H was very, very grumpy. It was a time that I kept saying to myself....When will this end?...When will I have peace? H made dinner Sat. night, but again, was very short with me. H had promised D4 that we would take her for ice cream that night, so we did. After we got home and I got D4 to sleep, H laid down in our room. He flipped & flopped around, sighing several times. I guess he expected me to initiate things with him. When I didn't, he got visibly irritated & took his pillows out into the den & slept in there. There was that reminder that it's all about H. Why does he try to make me feel so guilty for not initiating when he's the one having an A, sleeping with OW and planning a new life with her?

On Sunday we got up and D4 gave her Father's Day gift to H. She was very excited about it. H told her thank you for the gift. It was a picture of Wrigley Field. It hurt when she asked where he was going to hang it. Again, a reminder that the poor little one has no idea that her life will change drastically soon. We went grocery shopping and then just came back home. He was still quiet & fell asleep on the couch. D4 and I did a few things around home & then ended up taking a nap too. She and I never do that and it felt good to snuggle with her. Not much else. Just seeing H jump on & off the pc most of the day for more reminders of his A and our upcoming split.

I've been trying hard not to be so emotional but the past couple of days have been hard. One minute I think of how soon H will be living with OW, waking up with her each morning & the things that they'll do. Then the next minute I think of how I won't have to deal with H being cold and giving me those daily reminders of his selfishness. Over the weekend he talked more about how his DUI had cost him a trip to Vegas & Phoenix in July. Another reminder of how self-centered he is. He talked about how if he didn't have to spend money for an attorney that he'd be spending time in Vegas & in Phoenix with his brother in July. At one point we were sitting on the deck this weekend and he had his shirt off getting sun. D4 told him to put his shirt on and that no one wanted to see him like that. He said, D4, trust me, there are plenty of people that would like to see this. YUCK! His self centered attitude made my stomach turn. When I look at my H, I do see a physcially attractive man. Then I stop and think about how unattractive he can be too. Not physically, but in the things he does & says. I read on one of SallyM's posts from a few months back how her H had at one time told her that she was boring. Now, we all know that's not true. Anyway, it reminded me of my H telling me that I'm a cracker, with not salt. In other words, dull & boring. I told him that I'm the one that he know is good for him, but not exciting enough for him. I also started thinking about the times that I bailed him out & covered for him with his drinking. When we lived in IL, I drove 30 miles (with D4 - 12 mos. old at the time) in the car at 11:00 pm to pick him up from a concert that he'd been kicked out of. Security had called me and told me that they wouldn't let him leave without being picked up. I think of him getting so angry & kicking our door in when I was a few mos. pregnant because I accidently locked us out. And of course, I think of the recent incident when he laid on D4 and didn't even know what he'd done.

Speaking of his drinking, he hadn't had a drop in 2 weeks. On Sat., he bought some wine & when that was gone, he wanted more. He saw someone carrying a 12-pack of beer into our building and said that he should ask them where the party is. It hasn't ended and it won't end.

Well, enough of my rambling. Have a good day everyone.

SueS