I'm not going to leave the bed. I stay up late when I can't handle it. Sometimes I take long walks, sometimes I sit at the computer and use the time do online stuff I otherwise wouldn't have time to do.
She pulls more than her share. And I guess there's no point in being totally secretive about everything; we're both school teachers in the same district, but she's teaching summer school this year and I'm not. That's why I'm home at the moment. When I say I do laundry and dishes, I don't mean I do all of it. I'd say I do more dishes and she does more laundry for most of the year. When I'm home all day, it makes more sense for me to do it. Vacuuming/dusting is a Shop Vac proposition in our construction zone, so I guess I do more of that, but all in all, when we're both working full time, I'm sure she does more housework than I do. Besides, she gets off work earlier than I do, so she usually ends up picking up the kids and getting their homework started. The twins lived crazy lives before we adopted them, and they still have serious emotional problems, so this is not easy. I'm not saying she's lazy around the house; I'm saying I've been advised before that if I would just pitch in and help, our problems would be solved, and I've found that isn't true.
But I tell my students and my kids that you can't control what the other people do, you only control you. I need to live that way. The advice about the bedroom is spot on. It's just not a romantic place at all. The door lock has been broken forever, since the dog locked herself in and I had to break open the antique lock. The door wouldn't even stay closed without a prop. With the kids next door, I know that worried her. So today I removed all traces of the old antique knob and lockset ("Patented 1863") and installed a new lockset that holds the door firmly and locks securely. Next will be to donate enough old clothes to GoodWill that we won't have to have piles of clothing in the room. After that, that room is going to be the first to get new windows, because that's what I need before I can rip out the rest of the crumbling plaster and build a room where she'll feel relaxed.
I'm telling you, none of you can understand how terrible this house is. If only I had cancer, Home Makeover would come build us a new house. I really think the house is a bottleneck. I don't think she can relax here. But the thing is, it's her dream house. She just had to have it, and I just had to get it for her. It has the potential to be a wonderful place, but right now it's all potential. Frankly, I feel like she thinks it should be done by now, and the fact that I don't move faster on getting the house done shows how inadequate I am. That's probably wrong, but that's how it feels.
I'm really rambling here, but it feels good to talk to people who aren't involved. I've asked my wife to go to counseling with me, but I get the soft rejection. She says yes, puts on a brave face, nods through tears, but nothing comes of it. I'm thinking about doing the phone session by myself if she won't join me, but I want to give her a chance to read the book first.
