Yes it is amazing, because I started within my self to have doubt that I will be able to hang in there. but after what happened yesterday, I think everything is going to be ok. And check this she called me today just to say hi. And is trying to make plans just for us on our trip in El Paso. Im not getting ahead of myself but it has been awhile for this type of behavior. Jack where you at man, I need you.
Jack lives in Alaska. Sooo its at least a 1 - 4 hour time difference. You also have other people here with good advice too Confused.
Why do you doubt you can hang on?
You know, I knew without a doubt I could. Despite everything that happened. : ) Turns out that wasn't quite true which made the LRT real.
You prayed and got exactly what you needed with extra bells and whistles. So if God be for you, who can be against?
Look, you know your wife better than any of us, however, if she is in MLC then we can tell you things that she is more than likely to do, just based on experience and reading about other MLC spouses.
MY wife made the same overtures about working on us. That didn't prevent her from an affair, actually she spoke like that during it, while I had no idea at the time.
It is their BS crazy talk that, strangely, should be giving you some indication to hang on. If she REALLY didn't want to be around you, she wouldn't. You'd be the dust she shook off her shoes when she got to her new life. Take some comfort in the fact that she still talks with you and wants to work on your marriage.
Confused have you figured out what you have contributed to the downfall of your marriage yet? Would like an answer to this question.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Oh yes I know exactly what I contributed to the downfall. No communication at all. I mean I started out, I could tell her anything but after a while it seemed to me that the only thing she wanted to talk about was the negative things. Nothing positive or any thing like that. And her criticism cuts through me like a knife man. So I started telling her half truths, and lies, just so I would not hear her criticize me. I mean it hurts to hear the perosn you love the most, have nothing good to say about you. Just criticize, from the way I dress to the weight I gained. I mean I felt alone, and was afraid to open myself up to her any longer. So when she found out the lies I told it just made things worse. So thats my contribution, and I have told her I can be honest with her again, thats not the problem. I'm all to hurt from her acusations, and criticism, to open up right now, it is going to be a process for me. But I'm willing to see it through.
Look at the things she criticized with great interest. There may be some things there that helped contribute as well. Not just your responses to the criticism.
Are you a slob? Do you help around the house? Do you build your wife up or tear her down?? Many people criticize as a way to make themselves feel better about themselves. Could you wife be doing this??? What could you do to make her feel better about herself?? What you have so far is good, but don't stop looking for things. It will help with future relationships if your marriage doesn't work out and make you more ready to piece should that time come as well.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
My H and I did retrouvaille about 8 years ago. It helped us, but not for long because he slipped back into old patterns and then I did too. It's a very intense experience and is helpful at breaking down walls. We also laughed that a part of the retrouvaille technique is to give you both a common enemy--the guy who rings the bell or knocks on the door at the end of every "sharing session" with your S to announce that time is over and it's time to come back together with the group for the next topic! They keep things moving, so that you have time to think/write, then discuss, but not spend undue amounts of time in any particular topic. We left feeling very close and it was great. We continued "dialoguing" for a few months, but then it felt that he was dialoguing "at" me and not listening at all. It also felt like I was the only one making real changes. So it's not a guarantee, but it's a darn good starting point. We weren't working thru a MLC at the time, but as we're in the midst of one now I have some perspective. I think it would be very helpful, and you just have to make a real commitment to continue the work when the weekend is over, and with the pain and confusion of a MLC that can be hard. However, whatever pain and confusion is caused by lack of communication in the relationship can be healed significantly during the weekend. Good luck with it; if she is open to it, there is a ton of hope.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Because follow through might also be a downfall. Not throwing stones here. Just know about one of my wife's former complaints.
As for the weight, are you happy being overweight? Now is the PERFECT time to lose it...not for her, although I would say the benefits there could be mind-blowing, but for you.
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So thats my contribution, and I have told her I can be honest with her again, thats not the problem.
Yeah actually it is a problem. She is used to you lying, so now you have to prove that your word is good again. The best advice I can give is actions not words. Never trust the man who says, "Trust me." A man is as only as good as his word. You have to get yours back, make promises sparingly. Fullfil the ones you make.
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I'm all to hurt from her acusations, and criticism, to open up right now, it is going to be a process for me.
Tough. Open up, not talking floodgates here, and I am saying NOT about your realtionship, but you had better find the valve and you better start. Little things get the practice. Be prepared for her criticism, but do not let that deter you, this problem happened over time, over time you both will correct it, and re-learn how to talk to each other again. She needs to believe in you again, and you have to suck it up until she does.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 06/16/0805:15 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yes I will take this advice and run with it. And no I'm not a slob, I work cook and clean up around the house. It is just we have been in a finicial rut but Im working through that. I have to be careful when I say I'm working through it, I have to learn to say we are working through it. And yes I know I have to start out small but I will continue to work on the big picture. But it just seems she is the one who is making future plans with me. Thats why Im so confused about things, and it seems lately that she is starting to open up to me again. It is just hard for me to do that in return because of her criticism. Like I said, at first it seemed she was on my team and then over time, she would make me feel that she was only looking for negative things about me to exploit. I know Im not perfect, but the mean and nasty way she talked to me, made me just clam up. I wanted to say nothing at all. And she even told me her mom told her that she is just like her dad. Nothing anyone does for her is ever good enough, she will always find faults in whatever it is being done for her. And thats one of the many reasons her mom left her dad. And thats how I feel nothing I do is ever good enough, and I feel I'm not good enough. And so thats why I turned to lying and not telling the whole truth, because of her demeanor. She told me yesterday that retrouvaille could be a starting point for us, and she seems to be looking forward to it. I just dont know how to read her as of yet. but its coming.
