You won't like to hear this, but you are still trying to push an R that X has given no indication he wants. X already set the standard by NOT saying anything on Mother's Day. Although you got a polite response you are intruding in his life and pursuing. Stick to business. If X wants something other than that, he'll let you know. Then you can decide if you want something beyond a business R.
Regarding X's GF:
(1) You might want to try calling her X's GF as a less toxic way of processing information about her. She is no longer the OW. She is his romantic partner.
(2) Anger is certainly a reasonable reaction. It was extremely poor judgment for X to bring his GF in contact with your kids with respect to timing, the lack of communication with you, and so on. Unfortunately, it is his choice to make. You will have zero control over this. The bad thing is that his choices are setting up the kids to be the ones that have to handle your emotional fallout here. Don't let the kids take the hits. NEVER require them to demonstrate love or loyalty to you by having a problem with X's GF or her kids. Unfortunately, it sounds as though they are probably feeling some pressure to do this anyway, as demonstrated by them being wary about talking to you. They should never have been in the position of (1) being the ones to let you know or (2) worrying about your reaction.
Probably the best thing you can do is a strictly business email arranging a time for the two of you to meet with the kid's counselor.
My question, now, is what communication there will be at all. I plan on keeping it to email.
email sounds fine to me, that way you/him will really think before sending anything, and you can stick to business only (better this way, to help you detach)
Because I'm used to it, I wanted to say/txt something for father's day, but I will just teach the kids to recognize that day, and that is enough for me. Hope you dont' expect him to wish you happy mom's day next year because you txted him, better to assume he wont' do anything again (he prob feels it might lead you on if he says/txt anything).
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
ot-- The problem I had with Mother's Day is that he got me on the phone and didn't say anything. Then a few days later he expressed anger at me that he "couldn't" wish me a Happy, because he was afraid that I would see it as hope. (But that's been the pattern--he gets angry when I "make" him hurt me).
I feel that it is a respect thing--the kids wouldn't be in the world without each of us. I didn't send a card or gift; I was simply recognizing his role as the father of the children I love, no relationship past that.
You are right about the GF. And I'm not angry as much as disappointed. I certainly wasn't surprised. And the fallout will be his. When he blew it back in Feb, the kids found out that I had a major problem with her. I haven't spoken about her since with them. When S asked me "don't be mad at dad" after he told me about the weekend, I just told him I wasn't mad and it was ok.
The thing is, I really don't think it is ok, so I feel like I am lying to my kids. Not just for what this woman has done to me and my family, but also with the kind of mother that she is. But I know that I can't do a thing about it... I think I will try writing an email to him about this; he had agreed in the divorce that he would consult the kids' IC, and he didn't. I just know that it is going to piss him off, as he sees any concern of mine as me trying to run his life. I can also call the IC myself before-hand and get her input.
Blech. I have to be around him tonight for my S's Court of Honor. His parents are coming with me, but in recognition of their grandson. I plan on a polite hello if he approaches and nothing else. I'm guessing I won't even get that (as nothing was said at court).
I can't believe that this was the man who I loved so very much--now I can't even say hello without there being a big inner-debate.
Your e/m to your xH was uncomfortable to read b/c while seemingly sweet on the surface -- it still comes across as major pursuit. Which of course means he will keep distancing -- which is exactly WHY he didn't acknowledge you on MD. I understand his reasoning as to why he didn't do it b/c he felt it would raise your hopes.
IMO outside of purely business-related -- unless your xH initiates contact with you first -- you shouldn't initiate any contact with him -- unless you would also contact your next door neighbor, the guy who pumps your gas or a co-worker's H in the same way.
For example you would NOT have sent that type of Happy Father's Day greeting to any of them -- and you shouldn't have sent it to your xH. You need to think of him as dead to you -- b/c he is not any part of your life now. He will always be a part of your children's lives -- but the xW is NOT part of that equation except in the most tangential sense. This can change -- but it never will if you keep pursuing him -- no matter how obliquely.
And if you harbor any desire for a chance of potential future reconciliation -- it serves you best to distance yourself and make yourself less emotionally available. Create mystery! So until your xH is the one to pursue you -- you should treat him as an acquaintance -- no more and no less. Yes, be kind and cordial -- but offer and expect no more from him than that.
I can't believe that this was the man who I loved so very much--now I can't even say hello without there being a big inner-debate.
Donna,
You really need to look at what you lost clearly.... A married man with children who screws around on his W (and family).....
It reminds me of what I lost with KB... A woman I loved with all of me.... A woman who refuses to tell me what is on her heart and mind... A woman who chooses to share this with OM.... Has an EA/PA..... Fabricates stories to smear me and "justify" her actions.....
I think both of lost so very little ... Really.....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
He would be correct. You are trying to run his life.
Regarding the Father's day/Mother's day business, you are trying to seek emotional support and validation from him. You are imposing emotional ties on him. You were pissed because you didn't get what you want from him regarding personal/emotional contact. And, you aren't going to. Stick to business.
Regarding your kids interaction with GF, it is a matter for your L (if there is a legal agreement that excludes it) or the kid's C to address. If you must do something, call the C yourself.
As far as I can tell, XH agreed to listen to input from the C. He did not agree to run his choices by you or listen to your input.
And, if you can't say Hello without there being a big inner debate, well, that should tell you something. Don't say hello.
It is unfortunate that XH's parents are going with you to their grandson's function rather than with XH. This is not going to get you closer to your goal of setting and maintaining more appropriate boundaries with XH's parents.
Yeah. I agree with the folks above. Let it go. No expectaions. Nothing is too good for you from your husband......and nothing you'll get. Let it go. You've done a great job getting through the divorce. Now is the time to look ahead, not backward. I know it's easier said than done, but you've met with success doing this.
Look, bottom line is it is a few days after your D. You are going to keep making attempts at inappropriate contact and maintaining inappropriate expectations for some time.
But, when you catch yourself doing it (generally agonizing over some interaction is a pretty darn good sign), then stop it for your own sake.
The more you stop it and keep things to purely business, the better you will feel. At some point, you'll find anything more from him very intrusive, believe it or not.
Please listen to OT and others. You only keep hurting yourself in all of this and it is getting you nowhere fast. He is not worth the time and effort of your thoughts. You and your kids are the only ones worthy of that now.
