I enabled him for years, that's my fault. I take responsibility. I just assumed that if I gave 150%, so would he. He assumed that if I was giving 150%, everything was hunky dorey.
Assumptions .. sigh....
How ugly is the flower that blooms, when all we do is just assume
oh to be able to live in the moment....
Again cookie.. from thoughts in my head to your fingers to type.. how do you do that??
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
""I have asked myself this exact same thing. When is it your turn. Realistically no relationship is 50/50. Still doing all the WORK in a relationship makes you feel so tired after a while. ""
I'm only speaking for me here. I put all the life & energy & work into our relationship for years & years & years, & I was EXHAUSTED.
I think that in my sitch it's almost payback time right now, or me simply resting & recovering. I'm sitting back at times watching & waiting to see if he's learned how to put forth energy & effort & life into the R. He gets a gold star for effort, but he's still learning the energy & life part. But, I have realized that if I continued to do it all, he didn't have to. I enabled him for years, that's my fault. I take responsibility. I just assumed that if I gave 150%, so would he. He assumed that if I was giving 150%, everything was hunky dorey.
Hi cookie - I agree. If you look back at my original post, I think both WAS and LBS, who are here on DB, feel like they've just given non-stop and received nothing in return. That's why I was frustrated. I can't say I feel exhausted. I was willing to do so much more, but W was adamant about minimizing contact. I tried to break down that wall, but I couldn't. Maybe when she's finished her PhD she'll start looking around a little more, but not now.
And yes, we all need to take responsibility for what we brought to the R. But that can sometimes be not as straightforward as one might think.
Discovered an incredible nursery today - I was a little bit overwhelmed. Never made it out of the daisy/sunflower section.
I read about your putting new plants out around your new place(that was you, right?). I am doing the same, I was here mid-June last year and watched how the summer progressed with the current landscaping. But just waited & planned during the winter. It is a shady yard, with not much color, so I bought some Astible to brighten up the corners. Once it dries up I hope to get them planted!
Originally Posted By: lodo
And to answer your question, I want her to hear my side because I think she made a decision under maximum stress & emotional upheaval & as that settles I'd like to remind her that things don't have to stay the same. We aren't stuck in the past unless we choose to be.
What do you think this would accomplish if she could hear your side? Let's go with both ideally & realistically.
Originally Posted By: lodo
I hope she comes back to an understanding of why compromise is needed in any relationship. Did we ever have this, though? I'm not sure.
Why do you say you're not sure if you ever had compromise?
I agree understanding why compromise is essential is any relationship is important, but understanding is essential & able to effectively do it are two different things.
Originally Posted By: lodo
But why am I selling myself short by being willing to put up with this?
ummm.. is that rhetorical??
Originally Posted By: lodo
Richard Bach - I haven't read him for years - Illusions was what I read.
Have we known each other only a few days?! So strange - never thought I'd be connecting with faceless people online...
p. 61 Illusions Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will now you in a thousand years.
So many of his words, speak to me. I can read that book a 1000 times and always take something away from it.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I've never planted astilbe. I planted rudibeckia, echinacea, and african daisies - big bunches of them, along with zinnias and sweet allysum. And a couple of artichokes for color, texture, and food! I just moved last month, so I don't really know what the light & existing plants will do. But there are a lot of ratty roses right now. And some nice fruit trees - lemon, apricot, orange - and an almond tree.
What would it accomplish if she heard my side? Well, what I'd like to have happen is that she suddenly flings her arms around me, I pull her close, and we sink to the floor as our hands and mouths begin to explore ... but that won't happen. I guess i feel like she's boxed me into a definition in order to justify herself and I don't like feeling misinterpreted. I don't think it'd change her mind, but it might help us be friends in the future.
I said I wasn't sure if we ever had compromise because she's not a compromising type. I mean, yes, she did compromise. But her way of compromising was to do things her way without expecting me to help. In other words, she had an opinion of how things should be and she wasn't very accepting of other opinions. The compromises in the relationship were usually done by me. At work, the people I manage may not do things the way I like, or I may not agree with the approach they choose, but I think it's important for the team that everyone has input. So I'm usually open to new things - within reason, of course.
I'll have to pick up a copy of Richard Bach - I can't remember specifics. Only broad brush strokes. I'm afraid most of my reading these days is for school.
After signing, we went back to my office. Usual comfortable talking, sharing of what we're each doing and excited about, etc. She stood to leave and I was going to just watch her walk out, but stood up instead and hugged her. She hugged me back really hard. I held her for awhile but was ready to pull back when I felt her start to release me. She told me about her travel plans and I said I could stop by the house if she needed me to. She said she didn't think so, but then asked if I didn't mind - she didn't want me to feel weird. I told her I didn't feel weird - we'd known each other a long time and we can't just stop being friends. She said she appreciated my understanding and pleasantness through all of this and for being friendly, then she started to cry and reached out for my hand. I held it and then told her I was sorry I had hurt her, that it hadn't been my intention. She said she was sorry for what she had done too. I told her that it was all in the past and we could both be better together in the future. She agreed, then left.
Puppy, I'm sure you have some 2x4s for me and I probably deserve them. If I'd taken your advice from the start and held both her and myself to a higher standard, and enforced that standard, things would probably be much different. Who knows - it's so hard to see the right direction when you're in the midst of things and all you can rely on are your own instincts. For better or worse, mine are to be understanding and loving - a nice guy, who I guess will always finish last.
I'm very sad right now, but it'll all be okay. I just need to keep thinking through things and being patient with myself. It was the giving up hope over the previous couple of weeks, the really letting go and admitting that this isn't a repeat of 9 years ago, that was much harder.
(((((lodo))))). I am right there with you. You are the better person in this whole situation and if she can't see it then that is her loss. I'll listen if you need to talk.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
