I know for sure that she's stressed out. We work very similar jobs, but she works in a worse environment than I do and there's a lot of pressure on her. She puts a lot of it on herself. And we're both exhausted by the kids and the house; I don't blame her a bit. Well, I shouldn't, but as I read what I wrote, maybe I'm not doing a good job of not blaming her. It's hard, though. People talk about "doing the little things" and "keeping romance alive" but it's hard to be romantic the second time when the first time didn't mean anything. Another example from our past, if for no other reason than that I really hold a grudge:
We were both working half-days at a rural building during the summer. She wanted us to go to lunch with another couple, and she and I had driven separately. As they went to the restaurant, I noticed some beautiful purple flowers at the roadside, along a railroad bed. They were just weeds, I suppose, but they were pretty. I stopped and picked some, along with some white, lacy flowers and a few yellow daisies. I arranged them the way I wanted them, cut the stems, and peeled a few corn leaves, which I wrapped and tied neatly around the bundle. It looked like a professional flower arrangement, and I was proud of it. I swear to you, when I walked in, gave her a kiss and presented her with those flowers, she said, "Only my husband would wrap corn around weeds." She tossed them on the table and left them there when we left. It broke my heart. When I told her, she apologized, but it was as if she couldn't understand why I would let such a little thing bother me.
I do the little things, though, and that's another Catch-22. Doing the little things is good, not doing them is bad. On this we all agree. But once you do them, then the analysis of WHY you did them begins. Did she really look beautiful, or was that a ploy to get sex? (No, she looks beautiful.) Are you only holding hands with her so you can have your filthy dirty way with her? I do dishes and laundry daily, especially right now as I'm home all day for awhile and she's working half days. I change diapers, I bathe the baby, I cook dinner, I make breakfast, mow the lawn . . . . and I'm the one framing the floors for the new bathroom she wants, and finishing the attic so we can have less clutter, and installing central air and new windows . . . . it just feels like all of this counts for nothing. Absolutely she takes care of the baby more than I do, but that's mostly because I'm on a ladder when I'm not crawling in the basement.
She does NOT take time out to do fun things for herself enough, but not by my choice. A couple of years ago she did at least start taking a "girls' trip" with my mom, sister and others in my family. They go to Wisconsin or Minnesota and act silly for a long weekend. She went last week, and I gladly kept all three boys at home. We were fine and she had a great time. Then she and I used her mother's day present--I got her tickets to see her favorite country singer a couple of hours away, and we made a date of it. I know there are husbands who are distant, but I honestly don't think that's me. I make it a point to tell her when she looks especially good, or when she does something that makes me happy.
I know what you're saying about the coupon book, too. Intellectually, what you're saying makes sense, but it's hard for me to trust it. I feel like, no matter how many ways I say it, she has no understanding that for me, being stressed and exhausted by kids and work means I need to make love to the woman I love more than if everything were fine. I honestly think I'd need her a lot less if life were coasting along easily and I had time to go out and work at my hobbies. There ain't no "boys' trip" in the cards, either.
Truth is, my marriage is not as one-sided as I've made it sound here, and I know that. But it FEELS that one-sided from in here.
Anyway, I screwed up last night. We had a great Father's Day. My wife made a huge breakfast, and she and the boys gave me presents. They didn't get me a card because they rejected all the ones that appeared to be written for people with drunk, lazy fathers who blow up barbecue grills (good thinking.) My wife got me something I really wanted. Normally, I'm the big present guy--I love presents and surprises, so she gets big ones and elaborate surprise schemes. She asked me what I wanted, and I said something like, "Don't worry about it, everything I want is always too expensive or you don't want to get it or whatever." Well, that wasn't fair, was it? I thought about it and apologized for not taking her at face value. I think she was shocked. She's used to having me be surly most of the time now, I suppose. Anyway, we had a nice day together, then I got paged out and was kept running until after midnight. When I got back, I just couldn't go to bed. I'm closing in on my second week of being asexual, and it's starting to wear on me. One of the worst things about being rejected by your own wife over and over is that she still expects you to sleep next to her--and even cuddle. I've got nothing against cuddling, but if I'm on a forced diet, I don't want a piece of cheesecake suspended over my mouth by a string, either. So I posted here, and then some more, and read some threads. About four in the morning she came downstairs and saw what I was doing. I felt bad and went back up to bed with her. She could tell I wasn't happy, but I'm not supposed to be discussing these things with her while I do the month of the eunuch, right? She's not supposed to be told what I'm doing or why. So I just tried to say over and over that she didn't do anything wrong, I was just having a hard night, but she was clearly not buying it, so she felt worse, and so did I. Finally I asked her whether she had thought about reading Michele's book. She's read the introduction and plans to read the rest, so I just came clean. She did say that she'd noticed a change for the better. I guess that's something. The problem is that, from my point of view, I'm making a change for the worse.
Time to say something good about my wife before everyone thinks I hate her.
My wife is a fantastic mother.
My wife is gorgeous. She thinks she's fat, but she still has all her curves. When she smiles, there is light.
My wife tolerates my volunteer work in EMS and politics.
My wife can make me feel better when no one else can.
My wife knows there's a problem in our marriage. She is trying, off and on, to make it better.
If I can convince my wife to relax enough to have sex with me, the sex is wonderful.
