I thought I would just put down a couple of comments from my point of view, bearing in mind I don't know you so just take what you need from them or please feel free to disregard.
For a lot of women sex is a complex issue. You need to feel calm, relaxed, loved and emotionally supported. For me sex is not so much about the physical act, although don't get me wrong that is important, it is about feeling close to someone so the cuddles and the touch and feeling special are just as important. As soon as I feel pressure I back off right away but I see you are in a catch 22 as you don't want your wife to get used to that and think that this is how things are. Have you read Dr. Ellen's books? There are some good wooing tips in there and Michelle's advice is also spot on.
I think you have pretty insightful observations on it all. Maybe she is feeling the pressure with the house, kids and job. Also many women struggle with self-image if they have put on a bit of weight and have all these other responsibilities on top – although never suggest this to her!! I would suggest finding a way of making her feel like a sexual being again. I think the gift of the book was a way of saying that she would like to be that person but is not sure how to go about it and then felt pressured.
Start really really slow, take the pressure and expectation off for a while. Build up her confidence, take time for yourselves and make her feel secure and safe that you have no expectations of her at this stage. Things like holding hands and subtle compliments are really important to a woman but also, if done at the wrong time can be annoying so don't be put off if she brushes you off. It is not out-and-out rejection it just means that other things are a priority for her at that moment or she might just not be used to it, it may be a shock. If she brushes you off look at the situation she is in at the time - is she dealing with the kids, or cooking dinner in which case she will be busy. Learn and move on and experiment with affection at a different time.
Us women are complex beings! We often expect men to just ‘know’ and sometimes, like me, learn the hard way that they don’t.
Hope this helps and good luck. Use the boards for a sounding board if needs be!
