Sex-Starved Husband. Will Work For Sex.

[hoosiermama]

Maybe I can give you a little insight, being in your wife's role in our marriage. I'm just now beginning to work through this, so bear with me and maybe it can help both of us. (bear with me--get it?!)

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're certainly more patient than my H, who recently left me for someone else because of a MLC and...SSM? But he absolutely refused to do anything around the house, even pick up his socks, so you're definitely doing better in that area.

For a long time I've felt as if I just work at our home. Nothing gets done if I don't do it, H was entitled to do whatever "life-giving" activities he wanted but I only rarely got a night out with friends (dinner, not drinks). There was just an expectation that I'd take care of everything. And there was little emotional support, and absolutely no emotional intimacy. No pet names, no holding hands, no kiss goodnight, no interest in anything I was doing, not even "goodbye" when we parted in the morning or "hi" when he got home. No calls during the day to touch base, but if I was running errands I could count on 4-5 calls about "I thought you said you'd be home by now." I frequently worked 60+ hour weeks, but was still expected to keep up the house, pay the bills, run errands and drive D to any number of things. I was resentful and exhausted and felt very far away from him. On his part, I am sure he felt rejected and unloved, which in turn led to his emotional withdrawal and ultimately his leaving. Both of us stuck, neither able to move until the MLC hit.

In retrospect, I should have tried harder. There was no telling him that I needed emotional intimacy to feel physical, because he was already too resentful to budge. But someone had to make the first move and I wish it had been me. Yes, there were hormonal issues--a couple of pregnancy losses, perimenopause then full-on menopause, the effects of antidepressants I was taking to be less irritable (okay, enraged) due to menopause.

I could see me doing something very much like the coupon book, and then responding in a similar way. And that's because I really really wanted things to be different, I really wanted to be able to feel sexual, and I fully intended to try. However, without any emotional connection I just couldn't do it. It wasn't a conscious, manipulative thing--altho I'm sure it feels that way from the other side--but I would've felt guilty for not being able to "perform" and that would have contributed to a downward spiral.

What would have made a difference? Hard to say, but I know for sure I'd have tried harder if I felt loved, if I felt I was a priority in his life. It's all those little things--holding hands, spontaneous kisses, an arm around the shoulder, refilling my coffee cup when he refilled his own, noticing a new hairstyle or expressing appreciation for keeping the household running or telling me once--just once--that I looked nice. Those things go a very long way. I'm not saying you're not doing them, cuz I don't know, just giving you something to think about. Someone has to budge; if you both keep doing the same things, you'll get the same results. Think back about what "worked" to get you both in the mood when you were having sex more frequently. Maybe do some romantic things but don't follow them up with requests for sex.

I hope that's helpful, and that I didn't just make this about me.