Can it REALLY change?

[7 Year Itch]

Sex has always been an issue in my marriage. As in my husband wants way more than me. Although I have several contributing factors I believe for my libido issues. Childhood sex abuse, hormonal issues, and a female injury issue that happened with the birth of our 1st daughter that has made it painful at times. So yes, lots to combat.

Well one of the things I plan to do is seek counseling for the abuse. It happened at age 8, and I NEVER have had counseling or anything for it. Thought I'd handled it most of my life, but realize this is probably a subconsious factor to my low lobido. I'm seeking out a NEW Dr. for my injury issue as my old one has tried about EVERYTHING. I've already met with the new Dr. and she is convinced she can help me. Plan to have my hormones retested as I haven't had that done recently.

I AM very attracted to my husband and I DO like sex. Up until the bomb was dropped I was one of "those" women that believed it was purely physical for him, I didn't truly have an understanding of the emotional need it filled for him. That he needed that to feel love with me. I knew of course we didn't have sex as much as he would've liked, but I truly had no understanding the damage it did to our intimacy for him.

As we have discussed our issues, he has flat out said, that he thinks MOST of our issues could be fixed accept this one. He feels this CANNOT be fixed ,and he can't go on like this. He feels maybe I'd have more drive for awhile, but that things would go back to the way they are.

But of course I can't Prove that in a week, that'ts something he'd have to see over time. But he is just purely convinced it's the impossible fix.

If I only wanted to fix it for HIM then I'd agree with him. But I want to fix it for me too. I do like sex, and I want to WANT more sex too. I do want sex with him, and am attracted to him.

He's so resolved on the divorce at this point, it doesn't matter what I say. Are there any sources or books I could point him to that really show how these things CAN be overcome. I think he needs to hear it from someone other than me.

It totally freaks me out that THIS could be one of the sticking topics for him for divorce, when I feel so VERY much that it could be fixed and that I'm working on EVERYTHING now to do it.

Help.

Chris

[saffie]

There are loads of books on this type of thing. Go look at Amazon and read the reviews.

Just throwing some random titles at you

Peace Between The Sheets
The Passionate Marriage
Resurrecting Sex

There is another site called EDITED - ADVEDRTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
that has a recommended reading list with links through to the Amazon reviews.

[Bagheera]

Greetings 7 Year Itch,

I AM very attracted to my husband and I DO like sex. Up until the bomb was dropped I was one of "those" women that believed it was purely physical for him, I didn't truly have an understanding of the emotional need it filled for him. That he needed that to feel love with me. I knew of course we didn't have sex as much as he would've liked, but I truly had no understanding the damage it did to our intimacy for him.

Bless you, woman! You're now one of the enlightened few. Have you communicated this realization clearly with your H?

He feels maybe I'd have more drive for awhile, but that things would go back to the way they are.

He's somewhat right, if he's not willing to do his part to fix the relationship also. In order for your physical desire for him to remain strong, he must be willing to take responsibility for his part in the problems, and do something to fix them.

One of the hardest things for the rejected HD partner to realize is that they have usually played a large role in creating the problem. They are so focused on their own pain, that they fail to see the pain they have caused to their spouse -- and the resulting lack of desire. Your H must be willing to shoulder some of responsibility for the situation, and then work to repair the damage. Else his fear that things will revert back to the way they were will become self-fulfilling prophecy.

He's so resolved on the divorce at this point, it doesn't matter what I say. Are there any sources or books I could point him to that really show how these things CAN be overcome. I think he needs to hear it from someone other than me.

First, get a paperback copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage and have him read it, cover to cover. It's short, and can be read in an evening (or two). It's the most concise and to-the-point coverage of the topic that I have yet found, and covers each spouse's perspective nicely.

Second, send him here, and have him look at my threads in particular, along with some of the other success stories. They're here, and the key component to them is when BOTH SPOUSES are willing to work on the problem, particularly the LD partner. Without going into detail, my wife is in the process of dealing with some of the same issues that you are, and is doing so successfully. But it's not a one-sided thing: I have to do my part and work just as hard at fixing the relationship. Your H doesn't realize how lucky he is that you're willing to work the issue and do all you can to fix the problem --> there's a bunch of guys here who would do darn near anything to have their own wives reach that same epiphany.

Hang in there, and take care,

Bagheera

[7 Year Itch]

Thanks Bagheera, I certainly think my H would say my enlightenment is too little too late. Wish he had just talked to me about all this.

I'm definitely going to check out that book. Not sure if he'll read it. Maybe if I "accidentally" leave it out. Being as we are about 3 weeks away from him filing and sleeping in different beds, I'm not sure I can find a way for it to fall under his nose, but I will try. He said that is the ONE issue he just doesn't see changing ,and I cannot believe he'd risk our family and future over THIS issue. One that I KNOW and more importantly WANT to change!

Chris

[Bagheera]

I certainly think my H would say my enlightenment is too little too late.

It's better than the 20-odd years it took my wife and myself to realize our own contributions to our unhappy marriage and make some dramatic changes. Again, he has something to truly be thankful for here, if he'll wake up to it.

I'm definitely going to check out that book. Not sure if he'll read it. Maybe if I "accidentally" leave it out.

I don't know your H, obviously, but I tend to think it would have the greatest effect if you tell him your realizations, tell him how serious you are about fixing the problems, and sincerely ask him to read it. If my wife had done that, even at my most angry and resentful, I would have taken her at her word and at least given it an honest read.

I also have to say, that there's an alarm bell going off in my head in reading your situation. If he's as intransigent as you say, despite your willingness to work on this issue, I wonder if he isn't running from something else, OR running to someone else. However, after only a single post describing things, I may be reading in too much.

Best of luck to you,

Bagheera

[Strong&Alive]

7YI,

As has already been suggested - send him to this BB so he can read your posts and see that you've been honest about your contribution to the problem, and the efforts you're willing to put into your SL.

Maybe he also has things he wants to get off his chest.

From what I can see, you seem committed to making your SL and your marriage work.

As one HDH (and father) to another, I personally would be wholeheartedly urging your husband to give it another chance.

I am sure that if he could match your honesty and commitment, you could both end up with the marriage of your dreams.

S&A

[7 Year Itch]

The thing is, is I have a Newcomer journal, and I"m currently doing the LRT. I don't want him to come in here and see all my posts and see that I'm DBing, ya know?

His thing is he things most of our problems could be solved except the sex issue (which I'm totally confident it could be) and he now no longer loves me, and he doesn't see how that could possibly come back. I mean how do you combat that? It doesn't matter that I tell him of numerous people that have been where he is, and have found their way back. He believes ALL of those people must have had "something" he doesn't because he is DONE and KNOWS he is done (these exact words I've heard WAY too much lately).

Which is why I"m in the LRT right now, because he just will not budge or be open to anything.

Yet, we had sex again on Friday night (but he's not attracted to me). He confuses me so much.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Well I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. We ML again on Sunday night. Really nice, he even said it was really good. Then yesterday the wrath came. He gets mad at himself because he feels nothing for me, still is resolute on getting a divorce, and doesn't want to give me hope. So his anger at himself gets turned on me, and he gets mean.

IT was not a good day yesterday. Ended up with same old D and R talks. Lots of emotion. Yet when I ask if I can still reach out, he says yes. So I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I guess I need to refocus on me, and LRT and just let it all go for the time being. I just don't know what I"m supposed to do anymore. He wants me on board for the divorce and to get with him on that, but I just can't. I know in my heart it's not right or what should be happening.

Chris

[SillyOldBear]

I cannot believe he'd risk our family and future over THIS issue.

Personally, I wouldn't, but I'm not sure you really understand what he's thinking. This is not about getting laid. You've been rejecting him for how many years? He took you at your word/deed and took in the message that you don't love him, at least not "that way."
TO HIM that makes complete sense. I realize it doesn't make sense to you--how can an entire loving relationship come down to sex?

But for him, it can, because sex was the difference between his love for you and his love for his mother, his sister, his daughter. He probably believes (I'm just going by my own brain here) that sex is the difference between YOUR love for him and your love for your father or a very good friend. If you don't want to do the one thing that sets it apart, then you must not see the difference--and for him, that's a depressing thought.

I'm very curious about this--what did he tell you over the years about how he felt? Was he clear, and you just missed it, or did he assume you must have known what you were doing?

[Delil@h]

Hi sweetie .. I dunno your sitch well . I will try to catch up and read when I can.

My H said those exact same words... I am done.
Lets get a divorce. This is over. I will NEVER , EVER change my mind. And SEX was a big issue for us.
If you and when have time go back and read my old threads... My journey and the advice given may just help your sitch....
Miracles can happen.
Also...
1.
Even if the sex is eye socket blasting. he will need time to see this is really who you are now.
2.
If you rejected him for years he is in extreme pain. A pain unimaginable , no words could describe it enough.
3.
Get the SSM book and a highligther.
4.
Silly old bear is right on. It isnt about getting laid it is so far deeper than that and when you get it you will be amazed. Or cry for a whole day at how much pain you unitentionally put the man you love in on a daily basis.

All my best love.. believe in Miracles.
~Ali