Blackwell, have you told him what he actually has to do to show you that he's sorry, rather than just saying it? It seems to me that would be the way to deal with things like singles sites--he should know those are deal-breakers for you.
It's good that you're not puritanical about porn, but keep in mind that asking whether he'll get his release from "you, other women, or porn" makes it sound like pornography is equivalent to having sex with either the wife you love or the exotic other woman. It's not. If I could replace sex with my wife by using pornography, I'd do it and save us both a lot of heartache. If you're still going to reject him, and you're expecting a concession on pornography to allow you to have your cake and eat it too, it probably won't work. You mentioned your emotional needs--should he be able to ignore those as long as you can watch romantic movies? Not the same, right?
As an HD husband, I can tell you that rejection can drive a man pretty far. I've never cheated, but I had those thoughts and I constantly fantasize about other women. I tell myself I'll never act on these fantasies, but I can't help but wonder whether women notice that I sneak glances and get distracted--and think I'm, in your words, a pervert. Also as a HD husband, the mind boggles to see a woman say she didn't realize her husband felt rejected or ugly because she rejected him. To the HD person, it seems too obvious for words that if you reject someone, they feel rejection, and if you say by word or deed "you are inadequately attractive to interest me" then they feel inadequate. If you spit out the dessert your mother made and pulled a face, would you be surprised if she took that to mean her dessert was no good?
I'm still in the middle of a sex-starved marriage, so I might be feeling too raw to reply well here, but your husband has no reason to believe you won't reject him all over again once you get what you want, and you don't really know that he won't cheat, either. You'll have to find a way to come together without knowing for sure.
One more thought for you. From his point of view, right or wrong, you hold all the power in the marriage. The marriage represents a rigged game. You're asking him to play, but he already knows you aren't going to allow him to win or even enjoy playing. You have all the power--the two of you will have sex when, how, and how often you choose, or not at all. He has NO say in the matter except what you grant him. One way for him to get around this Catch-22 situation is to go outside the marriage. And he probably does not believe, no matter what he's told you, that he played a large part in creating the Catch-22 by reinforcing your rejection.
That's my advice; it's worth every penny I charge for it. If I actually knew so much I'd be upstairs making love to my wife.
