Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[cw68]

I looked good and acted totally "as if" tonight. Was able to have a rational conversation about living situations and the legal end of things. While H says he doesn't want to drag this out for longer than necessary, he's in no hurry to file anything legal. I told him that I understood and accepted that it was over, but that I was concerned about finances and health insurance for me. Told him that if he doesn't want to sell the house ASAP and try to keep it for a while then not filing anything is the way to go because I couldn't afford it on child and spousal support. He said he'd contribute any way necessary. I also told him I was very concerned about health insurance for me and offered up the legal separation as an option since there's no one else, explaining to him that it holds appeal to me because I can stay on the insurance and just pay him the difference that covering me adds. He said I didn't have to pay for it and said he'd think about legal separation.

I'm not going to pull what I did after Mother's Day and think that this means there's a chance for us. There isn't. This is cold, hard rational thinking about finances and health insurance for me.

After dinner he came back and we played Monopoly. It was so telling IMO. We were laughing and enjoying it as a family. H and D7 start to get bored. H starts complaining about things. D7 asks me if I thought the game was fun because she thinks Monopoly gets kind of boring. I told her that I didn't think the game itself was super exciting, but that us all hanging out, playing and interacting was the fun part. H has all this in his hands and he's focused on how the game isn't fun. Game ends as S5 runs out of money. Then he cried for 20 minutes because he wanted to play and nobody was letting him. He was crying violently. I was trying to console him and kind of ignore him at the same time, not letting him pull a lot of attention for it but know that I was there for him. D5 went up to his room. H went to follow him, I said that I didn't think this was about the game and said he should probably leave soon. He agreed. S5 told me during his crying fit that it was all my fault and that he didn't like me. I kissed him, told him I loved him and left because H was comforting him. To busy myself I went outside to water the garden where the drip system is busted. H came out to say goodnight and I sprayed water all over him, smiling friendly-like the whole time. It felt so good! Then as he hugged me goodbye I said, "This better be worth it."

Night night. I'm a bit better than before. I have to start moving on.