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[pat44]

Hey SD:

W is never ever ever going to agree with you in wanting a D. She will never ever work with you or cooperate with you on the D. And she will be nasty when you do eventually file for D. There will never be an optimal time to file. There will be confrontation and threats when you file. And she will probably say all sorts of nasty things about you to your boys. The D fallout will happen - it is inevitabla and unavoidable. Perhaps you need to see a C about how to best handle the fallout with your boys.

Meditation, focusing on the collective happiness over my personal, short term happiness, etc. have helped me in my best moments over the past 1 1/2 years. My behavior over the past few days was a lapse out of that mindful, patient persona.

SD...you really are hard on yourself sometimes... And I did slam you pretty hard with that 2x4. Nothing wrong with the fun part of your trip to CO. It probably did you a a world of good. The "running away" part caught me off guard - especialllly your willingness to leave your kids behind - look at your username - SuperDad.

SD. you are going to have to go through a tough part to get to the better part and that journey will involve, fear and confrontation. Remember your previous posts and your son's reaction to no mother's day gift - they already know things are not right. You are not acting like a family. If anything - your boys are growing up think your R with W is a normal R... It may ultimately be a relief for them to see a healthy and happy Dad - even if their parents are D. It may be good for then to be out of a house with continous tension.

AG, I am interested in your opinion that it is unacceptable to live in separate locations than the kids. I agree that this is not optimal, but I know quite a few people who make this work, even some of whom are married!

My opinion on this topic is rather strong. No, it cannot work. When parents are local, they are there for the everyday events in their children's lives. Both parents are a phone call away. You have more frequent contact. Kids need both parents - even if they are D.

You and W spend so much time with your boys. Do not add the trauma moving away to the trauma of a D on them. Kids already deal with "was it my fault." Moving away will reinforce that notion and create issues of abandonment.

Look at me talking like some sort of expert. I don't even have kids yet! This is just my opinion.

I think some of the other posters with kids will be able to tell you more specific stories about why being a part time parent is not a good idea.

I imagine this whole situation is wearing you down. Don't you want to be done with this and move on with your life. You do know that you can have a post D life in FL too.

take care,
AG

[SuperDad]

Sooooo,
I got up off my butt this morning, started re-reading the D info from the lawyer and requested an appointment to restart the case.

It's sad and scary and just disappointing. However, when I was looking for the forms, I ran across some of the documentation of the A that I gathered and it reminded me of how gone she is and how pointless it is to even talk about a M anymore.

Funny, but last year at this time, I was so focused on whether to get her an anniversary gift. This year, I was only reminded of the date because it is also my parents anniversary and they told me about the party they are having for their 44th!

I joked with them that I will have to live to be an old man to see that one since I will have to start all over. At least I can again see that this is possible and that I can find happiness in a R again.

Ladies, thanks for the 2x4 when I needed it!

SD

[qoe100]

SD,
Reading your posts, it just irritated the heck out of me that your W was continuing her A, spending your money, not working, spending little time with the kids, etc.

Don't let her threats get to you. Do what you have to do, be matter of fact, get your ducks in a row and be prepared for some ugliness for awhile. It will happen but you must remember that it was "her" actions that have pushed you to this point.

[pat44]

Hey SD:

I am glad to see you are slowly moving towards taking the initiative... Sad, scary and disappointing does sum it up...

The whole thing is a process and half the battle is getting into the right mindset.

My dad was the one that gently prodded me with pushing the D through. It is work and really there are a million other things I am sure you would rather do - but this needs to be on your to do list.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. Buddhist philosophies will sustain you through your journey and give you the strength and clarity of judgement to do what you need to do constructively.

Now I need to whack myself with the 2x4 b/c I am procrastinating!

take care,
AG

[SuperDad]

Thanks again AG and qoe,
I think my problem was that I really felt like somehow giving her time to take responsibility for her own life would eventually work. In fact, thinking about maximizing the happiness of all involved is what kept me in limbo this long. It is now clear (even to me) that she is not returning to reality on her own and that prolonging this limbo is taking its toll on me and by extension will continue to get worse and worse for the kids.

Qoe,
It has not been so extreme as you paint it, she does pay for her own activities with a part time job from home and her behavior around the kids has really improved, she even took them to the beach with a friend today, so this is good. I just hope these changes are permanent.

On another note, I am going to have to decide how much to tell her prior to serving her with the papers. Options are:
1. Say nothing, just let the L deal with it.
2. Wait til papers are ready and then let her know that it is coming.
3. Tell her immediately after I meet with L again and ask her to start working with me.

Option 1 is of course attractive to us conflict avoiders. Option 2 could lessen her anger, but probably not. Option 3 won't work, but again might lessen her anger when she gets served.

Thanks for your thoughts, SD

[pat44]

Hey SD:

Thanks for the compliment on my thread.

On another note, I am going to have to decide how much to tell her prior to serving her with the papers. Options are:
1. Say nothing, just let the L deal with it.
2. Wait til papers are ready and then let her know that it is coming.
3. Tell her immediately after I meet with L again and ask her to start working with me.

Once the D stuff starts I believe it is best to treat it like a business transaction. Option (2) is my choice.

I would pick a time when you know she has somewhere to go - perhaps a plane to Texas. That places a time limit on the dialogue. Then I would keep it short, to the point and use "we" language. Something along the lines of "I think it is time for us to accept that our M is over and for both of us to move on with our lives. (If you want to soften: I simply feel that we have very little to offer each other anymore.) I have decided to file for D. The papers will be arriving on____"

Then prepare for The Reaction. And then your challenge is to say nothing beyond: I understand, of course you have to do what you have to do, I will think about that, yes, I regret that we have reached this point too - type of sentences. Responses that say nothing - that do not sacrifice your boundaries and at the same time does not escalate the situation.

The key really is having a time limit - so you get to get in and out. And it would best if it was before she was on her way to Texas. Perhaps she will be a little less reactive and destructive.

She may surprise you. Sometimes bullies are full of hot air and threats and when confronted they back down. She isn't use to seeing this in you - it may catch her off guard.

I would make that a 4 yoga/meditation class week BEFORE the conversation. The burden of keeping things constructive is on you.

I know I have been pushing you to make a decision to move forward with the D. And well now, you need to focus on taking care of you and being prepared for the fallout. You need the endurance to make it through this time. And yes, when you get to the other side you will thrive.

We are all here for you.

And yes, you were right, I was projecting my annoyance with people that misinterpret eastern philosophy on you. I owe you an apology.

BTW: Don't forget to ask your lawyer about maxing out 529 (?) accounts for the kids college so there are fewer assets to divide. Shovel as much as legally possible into kids accounts. Of course, you will need some checks so the kids can't just access the money and blow it.

take care,
AG

[KarenMarieS]

HAPPY FATHERS DAY SD!

[SuperDad]

AG,
Thanks again for your advice. I definitely need to work on my validating again, I did a really crummy job of it in our last convo.

I think I will go with no. 2, it at least keeps her from being caught completely off guard, not that she will see it that way!

The biggest issue now is that she will have to go back to work as a teacher and since she refuses to start looking for a job, I am not sure how this will play out. Will be a tough year financially if I have to move out and she is not working!

She may surprise you. Sometimes bullies are full of hot air and threats and when confronted they back down. She isn't use to seeing this in you - it may catch her off guard.

She definitely has the bully characteristics. Every time I confront her, she does not follow through on her threats...
first moving to TX, then to file for D, etc. I just wish I had stood my ground early on in our marriage, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now!

And yes, you were right, I was projecting my annoyance with people that misinterpret eastern philosophy on you. I owe you an apology.

Thanks for that AG, I do understand where you are coming from. I actually find this behavior amusing. I by no means claim to be an expert and certainly still could be more patient, but life is a path, not a destination.

Karen,
Thanks! I have a great weekend planned...started with dinner with the kids tonight, some ME time at tri club in the a.m., then an afternoon with the kids, followed by a lazy Sunday, with the exception of my 90 min. power yoga class.

Well, off to bed to get rested up for tomorrow!

SD

[Reincarnated]

Would it be really terrible if she didn't get a teaching job? If she held that position before and has that "earning potential" I think that most courts would consider that--they want adults to support themselves. How long has she been home?

[SuperDad]

Hi Donna,
I wasn't so clear, I just meant that if she doesn't get a teaching job starting in the fall, that money will be tight for us all until she does. I am of course worrying about something I can't control, so it is pointless.

She has been at home for 10 years.

SD

PS - thanks for your previous post and I am aware of the impact of the big D on kids, but I also know that the current arrangement is having an impact as well + it is a horrible example of how a M should work and that I cannot live my life like this much longer.