Thank you all. That is good to know about Bening. I didn't realize there were options. Then again, he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and I think he's possibly hoping I'll move the area so he can be near the kids. That's ludicrous but it's the way he thinks.
Well, I just screwed up so instead of being in watching the Food Network with him (actually, our idea of fun, believe it or not), I'm out here feeling stupid. He saw that we didn't have any food (or gas and gave me $120 this morning. Plus he took the family to McDs for breakfast. I was supposed to go to the grocery store this afternoon but we had plans to take everyone to the pool in the neighborhood and meet up with some friends there. I didn't want to be left out so I went to the pool instead. Afterwards, we were all tired and he said, "why don't you just run to KFC and get dinner" I took all the kids with me ("but it's Father's Day" he says, laughing) went to KFC, the kids wanted BK, put gas in the van ($50 and it didn't even fill it up), went to the convenience store to get milk and pepsi and a candy bar for each. All in all, everything totaled almost $100. I have $20 left for food. There was no way I could get fast food AND groceries AND gas. He didn't say anything at first. I said that I realize now that I should have done more to make the money stretch and contribute the income (when we lived together). I said I had some really deep thoughts about all that going through my head but that I would just save it for an email (my rule for myself this weekend is no R talks). After awhile, he came up to me and said, "actually, I am upset that you spent all that money and you didn't even get groceries yet. Why did the kids have to go to BK. I thought you could get everything from KFC". I told him that the kids didn't like KFC so I just got his and mine there. They were really hungry and I didn't want to eat without them getting their bellies full. I apologized. Said I should have gone shopping first instead of to the pool so we wouldn't have gotten to a place where it was too late and we just needed to eat.
I said, I know I screwed up, I'm sorry. I didn't want to overreact and make excuses and justify each item. That was a problem that bothered him in the past. He "felt" that he couldn't speak his mind about decisions for his family or have another opinion or correct me if I was wrong without some big emotional drama scene from me. Yep, I pretty much did that. I'm realizing now that it was a way to intimidate people (because I could one-up just about anybody on anything and make sure I had the last word)and keep them from correcting me and me feeling inadequate. So I didn't do "more of the same". I just apologized, admitted he was right and excused myself and went outside.
But now I'm thinking about something else. So often, like now (and last night when he mentioned about getting the house clean for clearing), I get defensive or mildly attack because I often feel like I can't do anything right in his eyes and that I'm stupid and incapable of making a good decision or correctly executing a plan, etc. That's how I feel right now. It was a big thing for him to give me money today. It was what HE SHOULD DO but with his attitude towards me lately, I was "lucky" to get the $300/month out of him. Yes, I know I can go to command and strong arm him into do everything I want. I'm good at that. I'm good at making sure things line up on the outside to go the way I want. But I wanted to try something different (and totally depend on God in the interim to make up the lack) and pray and be kind and give him a chance to have a change of heart, rise to the occasion and provide for his family. So that's what happened today. I was very happy. But now, he's getting ready to go back to school, we had a great weekend together and now I "gave him a reminder" of something that really makes him mad about me. The truth is that he really doesn't have a realistic grasp on how much things cost. Or maybe I just was feeling good and didn't want to think about being frugal for once. I don't know. I just know that I feel lousy now. He's going back to where he can see and talk to the OW and now I've given him another "reason" to not want to be with me. UGH! I'm sure it doesn't help that it's "chocolate week", as we call it around here. Or as some call it, "Aunt Flo's arrival".
On the plus side, he gave me my Mother's Day present because he wasn't here then. It's a very beautiful Austrian Crystal tennis bracelet. Out of character for him but very much loved! I got my friend to snap some paparazzi-style photos of him and me shmoozing at the pool. I plan to put them on my blog. Still hoping the OW's private investigator instincts (what she does for a living plus being a paralegal) cause her to do a web search of his name and that she comes across my blog with "the rest of the story" and beautiful photos of our family.
