H and I talked again a lot last night....more about how we are feeling that we are not going anywhere....He feels this way, too, and said he had felt it since the beginning of our relationship, even before the separation, and before the A...It is like we always thought if we could JUST get it together we'd have it all. So, these past 2 months we "gave it all" and we realize it is just not there. We are both unable to say it's hopeless yet, because we both said we probably jsut need time, but we are still unhappy. We are clinging to retrouvaille to really help us as well. So, no we can't say that we have done our all out best, because as puppy said we need to give it at least 6 months with NC and work to really know.
OM and all of his qualities.....h4h, u asked if I thought about how he'd be as a father, etc. I could probably say all good things about him right now, but I am a smart enough girl and have read enough to know that I may not be seeing him clearly.
I want to try and I dont want to feel hopeless and the same goes for him.
hopeforus, you talk from your heart and with pain. I know my H and he would not want to know this. I'm not selling him short. I know him. We have talked and we have said when we are in a better place he may want to know more details and we may be able to talk about them. That will be the time we may "go there". Right now we are just trying to get some positives in our relationship....anything. Talking about me seeing OM is really a drop in the bucket of our many drops of problems, but, no, I do NOT think it would bring us closer together. It was more for me to see, not for him. I needed to do this. I see what you are saying, and for you, it may be what is best, but for me and H...it would not. At least for now. OM is frustrated....going back and forth with me....who wouldn't....the "friend" is over 10 years younger and i'm confident they are friends. He didn't want to be home and miserable thinking about us. We broke up 2 months ago and he has not dated anyone.
DanceQ-Keep posting. Good to hear your thoughts. You are exactly right......I want intimacy, and I am not getting it from H. How do I get it?
Puppy- Consensus possibly, but that's not always the best way to make a decision. I do agree I need to do the 6 month no contact. I was doing good for 2 then messed it all up. Now, I have to start over. No, it is not too much to ask.
Sara is right. I do withhold intimacy from him now. I just don't feel anything toward him in that way anymore and I have a hard time remembering when i did. It is all about the lack of intimacy. And, I agree with what she said about it being the problem I should focus on.
Puppy, if you ask my H what his biggest concern is.....it would be that we will never have passion or that feeling that is missing....NOT trust....I can guarantee that....My situation and the way he and I are are different from most. We were separated for 3 years......and he did NOTHING.......the A and this contact I had is NOTHING compared to what we both feel we may never get. He did things in the past that were wrong as well and I don't want to know if he is still doing them.....just want some changes in our relationship and feelings. He already knows about the A, there is nothing more to tell about that.
I apologize WDID. You're correct. I am in pain and I shouldn't let that seep over to other's sitch's when I don't know the whole situation. For me it's just so frustrating in that we did have a good, passionate marriage until about the last year before my WW started her affair. I started traveling for work a lot and that plus a stressful relocation for work and bam, affair off and running.
I really do feel for you. Really. It's hard for us LBS' to hear sometimes, but there's two sides to every story. I think what bugs most of us is that we were never given any indication there was anything wrong before the affairs started and then our WAS' claim they've been unhappy for years etc. It's hard to know what to believe if there were never any indications prior to the affair. This doesn't sound like the case for you and your H. Given that you were separated it's obvious there were problems.
You're still not going to convince me the truth isn't the right thing, but it's your decision for what's right for you.
Good luck.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Hi WDID, Im not sure I would tell your H, if your marriage isnt strong enough it might not survive, you wouldnt do surgery on a patient with the flu if it wasnt absolutely necessary. I think you need to focus on reconnecting somehow with your H, and disconnecting from the OM, right now. I think that sometimes if you set problems aside and focus on making your relationship strong, the problems will dissolve on their own, every sitch is different, but Im not sure I would tell him, at least not right now. I also agree that you need to seek your validation from within yourself, figure out how you can feel good about you, someone might be able to temporarily make you feel good, but until you can do that yourself, you are looking for something that no one can give you. I think that your integrity and strength that you showed posting here is a good place to start!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Just be friends with your H. Neither you nor your H can compare to OP. You can both always find someone who you feel more chemistry. Heck, OM may end up a bummer over time (he already sounds a little controlling, selfish and pissy from what you've described), and someone better might show up after that. I've watched my D friends go through that situation. You sound like someone who is trying to be logical. You are just all s@rewed up by those hormones and endorphins. But gosh they do feel good!
I think the more important thing to do is to consider if your child is the kind of kid who can handle changes in his life well. Is he the kind of kid who will have no problem having two homes he moves between, two different sets of parents and families? Would he handle sharing one or more parents with step-siblings? I don't know if OM has kids, but your H may remarry or live with someone who has kids. Is your son the kind of kid who will handle this easily? If so, then you might as well concentrate on your own needs and wants and do what you want, otherwise I think if you love your child and care about his mental development and stability you shouldn't put him through this. Wait till he's older and then leave the marriage.
Otherwise, if he is a sensitive kid and you put him through having to deal with a situation he isn't emotionally equipped to handle, any relationship or marriage you have will eventually be affected by an unhappy child/teenager who will just make everyone's life kind of nightmarish (not that teens and kids have problems anyway, I just think it can be worse when you don't have good family structure and support). If OM is meant to be the one he will still be there later. If not, he's not meant to be. He didn't really love you anyway.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
h4us- You don't need to apologize. You were giving advice from your heart and what you know from your sitch, and that is why I am here....looking for people's thoughts based upon what they know. My situation IS different in that H and I both knew of problems for a LONG time before the A. I appreciate your thoughts on the truth never being a mistake. I agree to disagree on that one....
bluerain- Disconnecting with OM, and reconnecting with H...YES! Reconnecting emotionally and intimately is my goal. I also agree about the validation that I need to get within myself. I'm going to do some research on that a little bit.
running- You understand me well. The statement "you will always find someone who you can feel more chemistry"....I never thought of it that way. THis helps me. Also, my son does not adapt to change well. My H and I would not be the stereotypical divorced couple no matter what....we are really good friends and always do whatever is best for S. We know that being in conflict is bad and have sheltered him pretty well with this. But, bottom line, divorce is not good on the kids. I want to avoid this if I can.
Update: I've been reading my books again and am realizing that what I am feeling is normal after an A. I need to have the No contact and not look back. It talked about having a time frame of 6 months to one year of working hard at it, but it also talked about if I go into this with the "well, I hope this works out, but I don't knowwwww....." it will most definitely not work out. SO, I need a new mindset. H and I have to beat this intimacy problem and it may just be because I have this emotional connection to OM still and know that if I give to H, that the OM will more than likely never be my Plan B again...it will mean that is done for good. I'm trying to figure out the "whys". I must still be ambivalent about working on my marriage. I have to not be this way, and give it my all, and if in the end it doesn't work out I deal with that chapter. OM is separate from working on my M. I have to do the work first, then deal with the results. I have to be ok with losing OM. This is hard. There is grief. But, again. I am a smart enough gal. and read enough books to know that it is the chemicals in my head and the "in love" stage. This may be a mistake, but it is a mistake I have to make or I will always wonder if I had tried enough with my H.
"Broke up" with OM every day since I posted, but would end up talking in some way. Today, told him point blank that I need to try to fix my marriage and so his response was "then fix your marriage and leave me the f alone". Then, he hung up. SO, my guess is he'll stop contact now. It's a good thing he is not being "understanding" and "waiting for me" because if he was I don't know how strong I would be.
OM only wants what he wants. He's the center of it. Your inner conflict, concern about your child and his reaction, etc... well it doesn't sound like those matter to OM. I wouldn't be surprised if he just wanted to "win."
You may not have a perfect marriage (Does anyone? Maybe in the first two or three years...), and you may not have a marriage you want in 10 years.... but trying to at least be friends with your husband, allow your child to have some stability and access to both parents, I really don't think you'll ever regret that. Just take the next 7-10 years to focus on you, and being a great woman any healthy, well-adjusted guy would love to be married to and I don't think you'll regret anything.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
We definitely don't have a perfect marriage. My H and I are already friends. My focus now is on happiness within myself and in my marriage. I won't give it 7-10 years, but I will give it 6 mos- 1 year. I am unhappy and being unhappy is not good for my child. I need a time frame so that I don't stay in something "just to get through the day" and wake up 10 years later and realize that nothing ever changed. Plus, this will make me "do the work". This road is going to be bumpy and difficult, but I am going to take it. I'm not in this marriage to "make it work", I am going to try for that "next level" that they talk about.
h4us- You don't need to apologize. You were giving advice from your heart and what you know from your sitch, and that is why I am here....looking for people's thoughts based upon what they know. My situation IS different in that H and I both knew of problems for a LONG time before the A. I appreciate your thoughts on the truth never being a mistake. I agree to disagree on that one....
bluerain- Disconnecting with OM, and reconnecting with H...YES! Reconnecting emotionally and intimately is my goal. I also agree about the validation that I need to get within myself. I'm going to do some research on that a little bit.
running- You understand me well. The statement "you will always find someone who you can feel more chemistry"....I never thought of it that way. THis helps me. Also, my son does not adapt to change well. My H and I would not be the stereotypical divorced couple no matter what....we are really good friends and always do whatever is best for S. We know that being in conflict is bad and have sheltered him pretty well with this. But, bottom line, divorce is not good on the kids. I want to avoid this if I can.
Update: I've been reading my books again and am realizing that what I am feeling is normal after an A. I need to have the No contact and not look back. It talked about having a time frame of 6 months to one year of working hard at it, but it also talked about if I go into this with the "well, I hope this works out, but I don't knowwwww....." it will most definitely not work out. SO, I need a new mindset. H and I have to beat this intimacy problem and it may just be because I have this emotional connection to OM still and know that if I give to H, that the OM will more than likely never be my Plan B again...it will mean that is done for good. I'm trying to figure out the "whys". I must still be ambivalent about working on my marriage. I have to not be this way, and give it my all, and if in the end it doesn't work out I deal with that chapter. OM is separate from working on my M. I have to do the work first, then deal with the results. I have to be ok with losing OM. This is hard. There is grief. But, again. I am a smart enough gal. and read enough books to know that it is the chemicals in my head and the "in love" stage. This may be a mistake, but it is a mistake I have to make or I will always wonder if I had tried enough with my H.
"Broke up" with OM every day since I posted, but would end up talking in some way. Today, told him point blank that I need to try to fix my marriage and so his response was "then fix your marriage and leave me the f alone". Then, he hung up. SO, my guess is he'll stop contact now. It's a good thing he is not being "understanding" and "waiting for me" because if he was I don't know how strong I would be.
WDID,
You sound like you have a clear understanding of what you need to do, what you've BEEN doing, and why that's not working.
Now it's time to do it.
Can you remind us of what sort of transparency plan you have in place with your husband? This, to me, seems to be where things are breaking down. It's too easy for you to keep contacting OM, and you keep resetting your reconciliation clock back to 0:00.
It's time to do it....so much easier said than done, but I'm trying hard.
There is no real transparency plan in place. I've realized that if I want to contact OM, I will contact OM. I can find ways. What I need to do is resolve myself that I will not. If I cannot make that resolution, then I need to leave the marriage. I think I needed to contact Om this last time to see that it is real, this emotional need I have for him, and to make a final decision of what I am going to do......ambivalence is unhealthy and even if I stayed with H, if I was ambivalent about my intentions, whether I stayed or not, the marriage would fail.
So, where do I stand now? I realize that I have these strong feelings toward OM and that I worry about losing him. I realize that if I leave my M that I would always wonder if I did everything I possibly could and would never be fully happy with that doubt no matter how much I "love" the OM, this due to the fact that there is marital history and a child. I feel the same about the OM in that I will always wonder...but I do not have a child or history with OM. I realize that my M may never have been "good" to begin with and the trying may be futile. I realize that I am 37 years old and a year of trying and failing could mean a more dismal future due to my age. I am trying to choose my marriage, but I don't want that to mean I choose my marriage over happiness. I am making a conscious decision to work on my marriage and try my very best. There are never any guarantees, either way. All I can do is use my head, and my heart and make the best decisions I can make. I am going to fall, and I'm going to fail, but like Sara said once- life is a series of making mistakes and learning from them, and striving for happiness.
Next steps......went to bookstore and read a book that made me concerned about whether my marriage has a chance. Still not wanting to leave, though....that's gotta mean something. I'm thinking maybe I should try to find a counselor to help me deal with my feelings toward my H. I don't want to be in counseling forever, however. I want results. I need to read my books again and start doing the things they suggest even though I feel nothing.
That's where I'm at....at least at this moment. For me, getting my emotions under control is a very hard thing. What I want, and what I feel are two very different things.
Sweetie, you have to remember that no one else can make you happy. That comes from within. With Om of course you get all excited(you are like a kid doing something that they shouldn't and of course the possiblity of getting caught just adds to it) but you are not in love with him. You don't even know him. Your H on the other hand is Mr Reliable and probably not giving you the excitement you seek. Tell him what you need and what you want in plain English and see if that helps.
My H has said numerous times, "I haven't been happy", but what he really is saying I don't know how to make myself happy, you haven't done it and I have all these feelings for OW so I must love her.
Do you see the similarities? Instead of putting all this time in worrying and thinking of OM, work on you because any body that is the OP doesn't deserve the time of day. The are leaches, feeding off of someone's frailities.
Just my .25...take it or leave it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
