I hope everyone is having a good weekend. I've been spending quite a bit of time in the garden (when I should be doing other things!) and that's always good, because I just think about what I'm doing and find it easy to push away other thoughts.

I'm also eating things like tons of garlic and raw onions that I avoid when my H is here \:\) Aren't ya glad we're not talking in person?

I don't think I mentioned that the morning I found the text message on his cell phone, I also said that I thought that things had gone as far as they could with only one of us trying. I immediately wanted to take it back, but didn't. He didn't say anything but seemed to be thinking about it. Some of the things he's doing seem like he's putting in a bit more effort. However, I needed something that turned out to be in his car and there seemed to be some hesitation on his part about letting me go and get it - he keeps his cell phone in the car and probably anything else he doesn't want me to see, since I'm never really in it.

I just went and got what I needed - I really wanted to look at his phone, but I didn't. Should I? Who knows?

My mother is coming for a visit this afternoon and wants to 'talk'. I imagine part of the conversation will be about how I never have time for her and my skin is crawling at the thought of it (long childhood story, condensed: emotionally needy single parent). Feeling this way about my mother has given me a glimpse into how my H might feel, because from his point of view he's been stuffing his own feelings, plans/passions (does he have any?), etc., because those conversations usually led to fights and I could be cold and distant for a REALLY long time after something like that.

Doesn't help me be more sympathetic to my mother, though, so more than insight is definitely needed. There's a big core of resentment, too, that occasionally softens when she does something that indicates that she continues to live her life and be happy regardless of how much time I spend with her.

Kind of the core of the DB/GAL approach, I guess. It would defintely work on me.

H was home briefly yesterday. At one point he was sitting in the living room watching golf and I caught myself starting to run around and tidy. This was necessary, trust me, not just me being neurotic about cleanliness. Anyway, I stopped and went to sit beside him. He was only going to be there for another hour and I thought it would be a good way to show him that I valued that time with him. H went and had a shower and while he was packing for his business trip, I walked by the bedroom door and he started telling me something, so I came in and lay on the bed while he packed.

He took his contacts. I asked him why, he said he didn't know, I asked him if he would golf, he said he might.

He knew why I was asking about the contacts - are you planning to meet someone? - and answered with a smile. I shouldn't have asked, though - it's not fair and I really hate it and have a hard time with it, but now is not the time for me to ask for reassurances. I need to be able to stand on my own and be happy no matter what he does and he needs to see me be able to do that in order to be able to really come back all the way without feeling trapped, smothered, controlled. I hope one day we'll be able to talk about all this stuff, but now is not the time.

However, asking about golf and not getting mad/hurt about him socializing AGAIN with anyone that isn't me was good - he needs to see that he can tell me about stuff and it's okay, that I really am just letting him do and be without reacting to it (too much, anyway, and mostly internally, I hope).