Are you like smartcookie, smw, and I, doing schoolwork all weekend? Well, I did goof off for a bit yesterday to get some planting done - good option for procrastinating. The place I'm renting has a great patio but nothing was taken care of. That's okay - now I can create what I like rather than taking care of someone else's poor choices!
Now I understand what H's 'good place' is. This sounds like a common problem in men - I've seen descriptions similar to yours in other books, websites, etc. I wonder why we're such poor listeners. I always thought I was a good listener, but realize now that listening and comprehension are 2 different things. Even when I go back and read some of your posts, I understand the words in different ways. Awareness and practice are definitely needed.
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And I don't buy his anger being about himself letting you down. That's him trying to justify it. IMO. Sure, he may feel self-recrimination later, but in the heat of the moment it's anger towards you.
This thought gives me pause.. can you explain this further please?
I don't know how his anger manifests itself, of course, so I could be completely wrong. But no one lashes out from a sense of self-recrimination. Anger is aggression. It is a sort of wishing harm on another person. Maybe there is underlying guilt that causes such a reaction, but IMO, if you react to criticism with anger over something you may feel guilty about, it is a form of blaming the other for your own inadequacies rather than facing them in the moment. If you faced them in the moment, you'd apologize, or discuss, not react and become defensive. "I'm trying, d*mnit!" doesn't mean, "I wish I were doing better," it means "why don't YOU appreciate me more." That's why anger management needs to be learned. But I don't know - things may be completely different in your sitch.
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It is not about a place or one particular action (slathering oil & wrestling, although quite a tantalizing mental image!) It's about a feeling of being valued, cherished and safe, with no incrimination or patronization.
I know, but you have to start somewhere Seriously, though, I think it's important to just try to relax sometimes. To connect - because that's what's needed to reach those feelings of being valued, cherished and safe - but to try to do so in a relaxed manner rather than constantly discussing it. Doesn't MWD bring up something about taking your clothes off and then trying to fight? That's what I mean - to change the dynamic so you aren't focusing so much on the emotional baggage and the fears but just on the moment. That's what would happen with someone new, right? You're just in the moment? I don't know - just brainstorming.
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I am sorry, that listening to me hurts so much.
Now, now, you don't get to take on my stuff. Listening to you is great! Responding to you is hard because my opinions do not match what my actions have been. When I was upset over something with W, why didn't I slather her with oil and make her feel special so that we could discuss the problem in a safe place? I can't answer that.
The workaholic thing is hard. That's great that he made an effort regarding work and then followed through. Sounds like that was a really positive experience - so happy for you
I was going to go sailing, but plans changed so I planted instead. And I have a proposal to write, a presentation to put together, and a paper to research. The life of someone trying to work and study at the same time ...
Seriously, though, I think it's important to just try to relax sometimes. To connect - because that's what's needed to reach those feelings of being valued, cherished and safe - but to try to do so in a relaxed manner rather than constantly discussing it. Doesn't MWD bring up something about taking your clothes off and then trying to fight? That's what I mean - to change the dynamic so you aren't focusing so much on the emotional baggage and the fears but just on the moment. That's what would happen with someone new, right? You're just in the moment? I don't know - just brainstorming.
