Guilty as charged.. I am a WAW.

[Bridgestone]

His 'good place'? This sounds like it's tending towards something that might be treatable with medication. What does he mean by his good place and why does he call it that? Why isn't he always in his 'good place'?

Good question..

His good place is what I would call his 'conscious choice' of being quiet, careful, gentle, congnizant with what I share. He has been what I call 'oblivious' to my bids to have him truly listen in the past and as such, because of who he is naturally- brusque, introverted with limited emotional intelligence- he has to make an effort to put himself into a 'good, listening' mode. Otherwise it is 'habit' - unconsious action- of not really listening. Not something I think needs medication, just something that needs awareness and practice.

. And I don't buy his anger being about himself letting you down. That's him trying to justify it. IMO. Sure, he may feel self-recrimination later, but in the heat of the moment it's anger towards you.

This thought gives me pause.. can you explain this further please?

I told him I wanted to do this face-to-face and that it needed more time than the 3 minutes he had before he needed to go rushing back to work.

Did you really say that? The 3 minutes bit? If so, that seems like you were being a bit underhanded. If you feel something, you should say it, but making snide remarks never helps the situation.

No.. actually they were his words.. "i have 3 minutes before I need to get back to work, can you make this quick, I am really rushed today." I just was putting them together with my request.

You HAVE to work towards that relaxed space. That's why I asked you early on what it'd take to stay up all night and talk about your dreams. So what would it take? Getting drunk? Being out in the woods? laying around after slathering oil all over each other and wrestling exuberantly? Just asking. It helps to think different.

to ditch the emotional baggage with him that makes me fearful (my problem) and for him to consistently exhibit behaviors (words & actions) that would be reassuring and help build trust and safety needed for that level of emotional connectedness.

It is not about a place or one particular action (slathering oil & wrestling, although quite a tantalizing mental image!) It's about a feeling of being valued, cherished and safe, with no incrimination or patronization.

Getting those things from someone will not happen overnight. It may be easier with someone new as I don't have to overcome my negative connotations of what sharing with him means to me emotionally. It's like there is a negative balance in my trust/safety account with him. Probably with others too, but mostly with him.. He needs to do things, say things that reduces that negative balance and then builds it back to a positive level that allows the being drunk & oil slathering to make a difference.

But talking with you is incredibly hard for me because in giving you advice I condemn myself. Reading what you write makes me realize everything I didn't do for my W, the misunderstandings I clung to, the ways I never offered support, the silly games I played to "show" I was hurt. What idiocy - why didn't I just say something? ..... The reason it is ending is not because she became attracted to another man. It's because I knew what I was to her - someone special that drew her out of the person she thought she had to be - and then I turned away and refused to support her. Over and over.

I am sorry, that listening to me hurts so much. I imagine that it is much the same for my H. there is more for this but it is about me.. not about you. Making mistakes is the only way we really learn, especially some of the lifes hard lessons. It's regretful that learning your lesson about offering real support to a partner had to have the consequences that it did. I hope your wife can learn something about being a partner as well as she makes her life journey.

It's easy to offer advice, hard to take it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I hope you have a really good weekend. lodo

So far it has been good. I took your advice to ask him for some time together without the kids or others (as the party was) so we could "appreciate" each other. His job is really hectic right now as it is weather dependent which has not been cooperating in allowing the timeliness of getting various portions completed.

His work-a-holic behaviours has been a major sticking point in the past, and that type of asking would get me a whole litany of things that had to be done.

His response this time to my request was, that while he had these things to get done in the next 10 days (I was thinking oh-oh, here we go again.. same old, same old)

but he continued and said he would make his management decisions to get his work done with my request as his priority.. WOW.. that one blew me away, brought tears to my eyes... and yes he did, he followed through!!

He met me at my house when I got home from campus yesterday and took me out for beers & supper to let me blow off steam. He was a wonderful listener as well as partner in the conversation.. he had new things to add, insights, and empathy.

I was appreciative, there was physical touch while we were talking.. on his arm, smiles & laughter, and a good-night kiss as he dropped me off at the door. I kept telling him how much I appreciated his actions & words.. that they mattered & I was so happy that he showed me I was a priority.

I hope you have a good weekend as well. Sailing? Were those your plans?