infidelity

[hoosiermama]

Okay, moving over from the newcomers' forum to address how to cope with this particular topic, which seems the most difficult for me right now.

My H is a hospital chaplain and in the process of becoming an episcopal priest (recently he converted from Catholicism in order to pursue priesthood). Three months ago he changed hospitals for a better job--little did I know how much it would disrupt MY life! While getting a tour of his new place, he met an old flame from his seminary days. She's a NICU nurse, and over 20 years ago he left his Catholic seminary when he fell in love with her. She dumped him just a few months later. When he told me he had run into her, I jokingly asked if I should be worried--well, half-jokingly anyway, because there was just a little too much energy when he related the story. Well, in the past couple of months he's managed to get himself assigned to NICU and another unit around the corner. The second week of May he arranged to do a "blessing of hands" for the nurses on those units, which apparently led to a few in-depth conversations with this nurse. About a week or so later, they talked about further "exploring their feelings" for each other (we all know what that means), pledging to do so from a base of "honesty and healthiness" and perhaps planning to spend the rest of their lives together. Two days after that conversation, H dropped the bomb on me--ILYBINILWY, I need space, I'm not happy, I want a separation. Denied having an affair, still denies having an affair--says she refused to have an affair with him because she "doesn't do that." I found out by reading his email. Yes, I'd do that again--I had no idea what was going on, my daughter was hysterical, I had just quit my job, he had a drastic personality change--so I viewed it as similar to snooping around if you're afraid your child is on drugs or suicidal. And there was a very neat timeline of this emotional affair--not 10 days old, but exciting enough to leave his family over. Along with several Druid prayers that he sent her; she practices Wicca.

Since then he's moved out, and things have gone from "I'm sorry I'm putting you through this" and "I just need to let things settle in my head" to "I can't stand to be in this house" and "I'm done, this marriage is over." He initially refused counseling, then agreed to one session to have the marriage "pronounced dead," to a process aimed at facilitating communication. We begin in about 10 days.

About a week after I found out about her, I sent her an email asking her to stop pursuing the relationship with my H. I was succinct, polite, and respectful. She wrote back and cc'd H; she was supporting all of us in this, including my D; they have a "deep connection" based upon similar spirituality and worldviews (episcopal is similar to Wicca??!); she has "prayed and meditated about how she can best serve in this space" but "withdrawing from the relationship would not be consistent with the healing path she has set out for herself." I replied that the way she could best serve in this space was to vacate it! Geez--I found out she's just as delusional as H is, who thinks our marital problems are all my fault, that a divorce will be the best thing for D, and that we're incompatible and have always been miserable. Of course that's how he feels; he has to feel that way to justify his behavior. He's euphoric and giddy in love, and that's all that really matters to him right now.

So I'm doing my best DB'ing, and we have superficial conversations about D and visiting arrangements, as well as the latest wonderful things he's doing at work--all in the NICU, of course. (Yes, I bite my tongue and say--wow, that sounds stressful.) I know this isn't the crux of our marriage issues, but I know that he will push forward to divorce as long as the A is going on, which makes me feel helpless. There are days/evenings when D can't reach him, and she wants to talk with him--which makes her upset; I know where he is, and it really makes me angry to see her upset while he's enjoying himself. He and D are on vacation,left this morning (we were supposed to have gone together, of course) and I'm looking at this time to explore some 180's and learn to be selfish. But I could use some guidance about how to cope with this part of things. I am finding a bit of ironic humor in the situation--my H, hospital chaplain, priest wanna-be, leaves his family for a Wiccan woman because he believe it's their destiny to be together finally. Okay, sometimes it's funny; at the moment it pisses me off. Any suggestions or guidance?!