Real life is----part 5

[Starshyne]

Do I need to do another run down of my sitch? Well...the short version. H is openly having an affair that has been on again / off again since December. He decided in May that he loves the OW and is basically finished with me. Yet he still tells me that he loves me and doesn't want a D. I have decided that I can't live like this anymore and filed for divorce at the beginning of June. Meanwhile, since H's name is on the title of the house, he has the legal right to be here. So....we are sharing the house. He stays with his lover for however long he wants and then sleeps here at night. I am at my mom's house sleeping but am at the house during the day. I hate it.


Today I tried my best to GAL and move on. I figured out how to get to the St. Louis Galleria all by myself and actually drove there. This is a big deal to me because it is something I typically don't do. I usually would expect H to take me. But I went alone. I did a little shopping but didn't find what I went there for. But suddenly in the middle of it all, I got really depressed. I forced myself to keep going but eventually I couldn't hack it and went back to my car and bawled. I don't really know why except for doing things alone is sad. I told myself that this was a big step and as I keep doing this type of stuff it will be easier. I know that eventually the pain has to get less and less. Doesn't it? I mean, I realize that it is going to take me a long time to recover from this, and maybe a small part of me will always be broken, but surely a day will come where I can go shopping alone and not end up in tears. Next weekends adventure: first family get together without my H.

I have an appointment on Thursday with the lawyer to look over the settlement. I am looking forward to this. I need for all of this to end as soon as possible. I am also going to the doctor on Thursday. I haven't been sleeping right in 6 months. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and can't get back to sleep.

This HAS TO get better....

Sara