I just got this reply from W about my e-mail to her I sent in the middle of last week where I affirmed her feelings and invited her to open up more to me on the subject. Well, she opened up and attacked. I'm planning on talking w/ my DB coach on Monday morning if I can to see how she would suggest responding to this latest from W. Here's what she wrote:
Quote:
I was afraid of YOU and your rage. You treated me horribly, you ignored D and me, and you isolated me from friends and family. It was awful to live like that and very lonely. You destroyed my love for you, our marriage, and our little family. I told you in August that I didn't love you any more...and I don't. I haven't for a long time. I am glad you finally understand that.
I am also glad you realize that you need to continue to work on change for yourself and D. You do. Yet, to date, you have NOT changed at all.
You are still trying to abuse me though D. If you really want to do what is best for D and demonstrate that you have changed, stop fighting for 50% physical custody, and stop abusing and using her. Buying her everything she sees, not disciplining her or giving her boundaries, discussing custody/visitation/me in front of her, and not keeping her on some kind of a normal time schedule is not healthy for her. This is not a popularity contest. Think about the messages you are sending D by your behavior. For one thing, she is starting to believe that gifts = love.
Again, I could refute everything and question a lot of what she's doing and has done in the past, but that would be so very counter-productive. My DB coach has said I need to work on showing her I do listen and getting her to continue to process her feelings w/out making it about me at all. It is very difficult to do and I'm basically at a loss of how to correctly respond to W.
So, I won't be sending off anything until I've had a chance to speak w/ my DB coach to make sure I don't turn this into me defending and attacking her. W needs me to listen to her. She is begging me to prove to her that I do listen and I do care, so I need to make sure I am doing just that. If I can pull it off, it will be a complete 180 for me and W should notice.
On the other hand, I'm not speaking negatively about W in front of D, we don't discuss custody, and she was asleep by 9 last night, so the boundaries and schedule think is garbage. As for buying her things, yes I do, but not everything she sees. W also buys her stuff all the time, but it isn't mentioned at all by her.
Also, how am I abusing her through our D? Is my wanting to have 50% time w/ my own child abusive? She's a complete narcissist as everything is about her. And for the record, I didn't isolate her from sh!t! She had free reign to go wherever she wanted whenever she wanted. I frequently told her to look at taking trips w/ just her and her friends, but she wouldn't do it.
Again, I think once custody is settled, this will cool down a bit as she'll lose power and control. That is really when I think DBing may have a shot. For now, I just have to make sure I don't lose any ground as I know I won't be gaining any ground w/ her right now.
I'm off now to set up the slip-n-slide for D in the back yard as it is a toasty 105 here today. Hot and little to no wind, so it is a good day for water play in the yard.
