I never thought of that. That very well may be the case. She did see him at work yesterday and who knows how that went.
Yes, I could be bearing the brunt of his actions. In any event, as I discussed w/ my DB coach, I'm going to be working on less and less contact and more invitations for her to open herself up emotionally.
I just sent off the following e-mail to her about last night's talk:
Quote:
Thank you for taking the time to express your concerns with me last night. I can understand your hesitancy for D to be w/ my family b/c of their behavior in the past. However, the past is history and the future is now. Forward is where the focus is as there is no going back. We both have D's best interests at heart at all times and she'll always be the priority in both of our lives. We're good parents and she is a wonderful child. Again, I'm glad to have had the opportunity to hear your feelings last night. Thank you for sharing and please know that I am always available to talk to you about these and other matters. All you have to do is ask.
I have to continue to acknowledge her feelings and show I can and do listen to her. The more she can open up her feelings and emotions, the better chance I have for her anger to maybe subside.
I do know that she hates the non-contact, so I'm going to do the non-contact thing w/ responses purly like the one I put above. That should help get me closer to my goal which is if I can't repair my M, then at least I can have a civil co-parenting arrangement w/ my W.
Again, only time will tell if this latest tactic will work, but I'll keep at it and keep you posted everyone.
I thought he may have been gone as well, but D told me he kept interrupting our phone call the other day w/ texts to my W and she also called me from W's office at school and said they got to see him today. So, I know he's still around in some capacity. However, Kerry's post made me think maybe I'm getting yelled at b/c I'm an easy venting target for W's disappointments w/ OM. I'm not sure, but it is a possibility.
Yes, she does need to cool it as to her wild claims and accusations. I did try to discuss how hypocritical she was being w/ me yesterday w/out fighting and she hung up on me. So, I turned the other cheek and thanked her for her concern and left it at that. I am having a problem thinking that Crazy will act normal b/c she was always a HUGE believer in saying "Do What is Right." It is interesting to know she's forgotten her own rule of life. Maybe she'll remember it some day.
As for now, I just need to wait out the process of custody and parenting time. Regardless of which way it shakes down, W will no longer have the leverage she now possesses. We'll both be forced to do things as the court stipulates and so she can't determine when I see D, for how long, etc. It will zap some of her "power" especially if we end up w/ 50/50 time and custody rights.
I just got this reply from W about my e-mail to her I sent in the middle of last week where I affirmed her feelings and invited her to open up more to me on the subject. Well, she opened up and attacked. I'm planning on talking w/ my DB coach on Monday morning if I can to see how she would suggest responding to this latest from W. Here's what she wrote:
Quote:
I was afraid of YOU and your rage. You treated me horribly, you ignored D and me, and you isolated me from friends and family. It was awful to live like that and very lonely. You destroyed my love for you, our marriage, and our little family. I told you in August that I didn't love you any more...and I don't. I haven't for a long time. I am glad you finally understand that.
I am also glad you realize that you need to continue to work on change for yourself and D. You do. Yet, to date, you have NOT changed at all.
You are still trying to abuse me though D. If you really want to do what is best for D and demonstrate that you have changed, stop fighting for 50% physical custody, and stop abusing and using her. Buying her everything she sees, not disciplining her or giving her boundaries, discussing custody/visitation/me in front of her, and not keeping her on some kind of a normal time schedule is not healthy for her. This is not a popularity contest. Think about the messages you are sending D by your behavior. For one thing, she is starting to believe that gifts = love.
Again, I could refute everything and question a lot of what she's doing and has done in the past, but that would be so very counter-productive. My DB coach has said I need to work on showing her I do listen and getting her to continue to process her feelings w/out making it about me at all. It is very difficult to do and I'm basically at a loss of how to correctly respond to W.
So, I won't be sending off anything until I've had a chance to speak w/ my DB coach to make sure I don't turn this into me defending and attacking her. W needs me to listen to her. She is begging me to prove to her that I do listen and I do care, so I need to make sure I am doing just that. If I can pull it off, it will be a complete 180 for me and W should notice.
On the other hand, I'm not speaking negatively about W in front of D, we don't discuss custody, and she was asleep by 9 last night, so the boundaries and schedule think is garbage. As for buying her things, yes I do, but not everything she sees. W also buys her stuff all the time, but it isn't mentioned at all by her.
Also, how am I abusing her through our D? Is my wanting to have 50% time w/ my own child abusive? She's a complete narcissist as everything is about her. And for the record, I didn't isolate her from sh!t! She had free reign to go wherever she wanted whenever she wanted. I frequently told her to look at taking trips w/ just her and her friends, but she wouldn't do it.
Again, I think once custody is settled, this will cool down a bit as she'll lose power and control. That is really when I think DBing may have a shot. For now, I just have to make sure I don't lose any ground as I know I won't be gaining any ground w/ her right now.
I'm off now to set up the slip-n-slide for D in the back yard as it is a toasty 105 here today. Hot and little to no wind, so it is a good day for water play in the yard.
D and I were in the car heading to the store and she said "I wish we didn't have to split up." I told her I was too. She then asked if I missed mommy, which I said I did. She said "You hurt Mommy's feelings when you yelled at her. You made her cry. That is why she left, Daddy. Why did you yell at her?"
I told D that I made some mistakes and I didn't mean to hurt Mommy. I told her I would always be sorry that I yelled at Mommy sometimes. D then said "You don't yell at me when you get mad, but you yell at Mommy. What is the difference? You didn't need to yell at her, Daddy." I told her she was right, and I wished I hadn't yelled at Mommy.
My 5-year-old is very perceptive. It made me wish I could go back, but of course I can't. It also made me sad.
Finally, it made me wish my W would see some of the things she did to contribute to our downfall so we could work on them and find our love again. I don't think W is willing to take any blame, as her e-mail to me evidences. I can only continue to do my part and hope that someday, W will see things honestly and begin to work on her end of the deal.
Maybe that day will never come. I'm prepared either way. Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
RTL, Try to stop beating yourself up. Your W should have assigned blame to you with your D. D probably asked her why she left and you could not be together, she should have just said you could not get along or something. W should never have said it was something you did. She is using emotional balckmail on bot you and your D. She is just using the fact that she knows you want your family back together to gain sole custody. Be aware and while there is always blame on both parts, protect yourself.
bizarre, my friend, I knew exactly what you meant.
I am looking to protect myself b/c W is inconsistent and unpredictable. That is why I didn't respond to her e-mail and won't until I have some DB coaching input to make sure I'm saying and doing the right things.
I do think it is crap that she is calling my request for 50% parenting time w/ my D "continued abuse of her." She is really miopic in her thoughts and can't see anything except for how it impacts her directly. It is sad, but it is real and it is what I've got to live with right now.
So, D and I came home from the grocery store and as I grilling up our hamburgers and fixing the brocoli (she requested it as the vegetable of the night, so I'm not complaining), D was running around in the back yard hitting plastic baseballs off the tee and plastic golf balls off the ground. I haven't been able to get her to be sports oriented for a while now, so it was great to watch. I only wish I wasn't trying to cook so I could have played w/ her, but we got to eat, right?
Anyway, she has our day planned out for tomorrow. We'll get up and I'll make us breakfast - pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage - then we'll take the dogs to the dog park. After that, we'll clean up and head down to watch the Diamondbacks play at 1. D then said she wants to go to the driving range w/ me after the game, so that should be a fun day. Where and what we'll do for dinner is still up in the air, but all-in-all, I'm looking forward to a really great Father's Day w/ my D.
RTL PS - Right now she's watching the Mariners game w/ me and not complaining. She's actually cheering and running in to tell me updates as I'm typing here. Gotta run and help my little budding sports fan.
that is great RTL. I am wondering whether I will hear anything from my DD14.999 today for father's day. SHe is a great kid in any event, that would just be 'icing on the cake'.
It would be great if she called to talk to you - icing on the cake if you truly have no expecations. I'm hoping she does b/c it is always nice to hear from the ones we love.
I just sent an e-mail off to W's father wishing him a Happy Father's Day and thanking him for the "fatherly" advice and lessons he handed down to me over the years. I know what he's said about me, but I'm still taking the high road throughout all of this. I have to. I can't stoop to a lower level. That would be counter-productive not only to my DB efforts, but for my overall growth as a person and father. Thus, I have to continue to act "as if" and do the right thing in all circumstances.
Now, I'm just waiting for D to get up so we can start our day. She's still out like a light and I see no real reason to wake her from her slumber. We've got plenty of time left in our day. We're going to have a blast today and I'm really looking forward to seeing her have fun. I love it when she laughs. It is so adorable.
