Thanks, F. I do remember the darkness...sometimes I still look up into a perfect blue sky and see the umbrella of pain, but it is on the rare occassion, now, where before it was constant, even in my dreams. It just blankets everything, even when you have a moment of levity or laughter. Like those cartoons with the small raincloud over the head of one person, following them around. Those stupid people kept asking me how I had planned to hurt myself. I said, hurt myself, are you kidding? I want to STOP the pain! I'm glad for both of us and our kids that we hung in, even when we didn't want to.
As far as x getting upset...I saw it once before right before we separated. I had grabbed a notebook and dragged him around the house, asking how to shut the whole-house water off, how to change the furnace filters, etc. He started to cry. I said, what did you think divorce was? Do you think you are going to come in and do this stuff? They aren't second-guessing themselves, just doing their own grieving. I think one of the major problems is that these two people are on such different time schedules through this emotional path.
The last few times we had contact, he had said that it "didn't have to be this way." I said, what, you want to be buddies? Its like they want to pick and choose the parts of your relationship that they liked and just eliminate everything else, like respect, loyalty, security, love...if I had been better at Dbing, maybe I could have done just that, met him on his terms.
Take care of your men, and watch your butt over there!! Come home and know that it will not be as hard a job as the one you are currently in, even if it feels that way.
