I want to just talk for a bit about cheating, the OM, your sitch...from my perspective as having been in your shoes before, made all the classic mistakes, ended up divorced, and now wish I could do it all over again.
These things are not specifically directed toward you, per se. Although they might fit you. But I am also hoping to address anyone who is reading who may be going through anything similar.
Just to recap quickly my marriage, I met my ex-h at age 19, he was 27 with a 2 year old from a previous marriage. I got pregnant the next year at age 20 and we got married. (Then divorced after 16 years).
So right away, I want to say that I think getting married too young and for the reason of pregnancy, in hindsight now, was not condusive to my own personal growth as a person. It stunted my development, and I was already stunted by many childhood issues.
This was the gateway toward me then remaining emotionally immature for many years.
At my current age (41) and finally in a great relationship, I can look back and clearly see just HOW stunted I was in my early married years. I was truly incapable of intimacy, except with my children. I did not really even know what initimacy meant, in all its meaning. I could not really be 100% vulnerable and open to ANYONE, with the exception of my children. So I threw myself into the mommy role, and effectively cut my husband out of the picture.
At the time, I would have never admitted nor realized what I was doing. I thought it was natural that of course you put your children ahead of everyone and everything. But this had another added secret benefit - it kept me safe from experiencing intimacy with anyone, except with my kids. Now...why in the world would I subconsciously sabotage myself, my marriage and my husband like I did? As it turns out, many if not most of us, are terrified of *true* intimacy. We all find secret ways of not giving ourselves to each other.
Does any of this resonate with you so far?
OK - so after being married a few years, I become sex and intimacy starved, and so is my husband. All of this is essentially my fault (by not being open to it), but I think it is his fault or the world's fault or somehow anyone but me's fault. What do I do next? Become vulnerable toward outside advances from an OM.
Next comes the affair.
Ah...the affair. That sick, up and down roller coaster ride, which at the time we mistake for "love".
An affair is never a calm, settling, bonded loving experience. It may seem that way for short glimpsed moments at a time. But trust me - 99% of the time it is a sick, sinking feeling. Of course there is also a thrill involved, and maybe some passionate moments. But we CLING so hard to those moments, in our sex and intimacy starvation mode, that they APPEAR to be way more passionate and wonderful than they actually are. Thus is the beginning of the alien fog begun in your mind...you are actually on a sick roller coaster ride but you put these weird goggles up to your head through which if you squint hard enough, you will perceive a tiny bit of pleasure and it will be magnified 1,000 times so that you fool yourself into thinking that "this must be that spark I was missing in my marriage". Bah!
It is a trick of smoke and mirrors, but the most sad part is that YOU are the one putting up the smoke and the mirrors.
So here you are, you think that you are finally in love again, and you were so hungry for it you throw yourself in that direction. But guess what? If you were not truly open to true intimacy in your marrige, you will not be truly open to it in your affair relationship, either. So it fizzles, bursts, or generally turns into something that you didn't realize it actually was the whole time.
Because...aha!....you finally find out that it is YOU who cannot really give yourself 100%. And due to that, you cannot receive 100%. And this is why you are not able to be committed 100%. To anyone. Ever. Until you look within...
I used to think I was running from my non-spark husband's arms into the arms of a man who was passionately pursuing me. But now I know the following:
*The young marriage while pregnant was not a good way for us to start, and for that alone we should have had counseling.
*At the first sign of my feeling vulnerable to others advances, I wish I had someone counsel me on intimacy and what it really means to give yourself to someone. I wish I knew what I was running from.
*If a kind elder could have clued me in that I couldn't expect to hide behind my children and that form of intimacy only, and still expect to grow up into a mature, fully-functioning woman and wife.
In the end, I found that OM's were only a symptom. Not one of them will ever be the reason for anything. The real reason for searching and being vulnerable to OM's is always because you are hungry for intimacy. If you can't figure out how to have *true* intimacy with your husband alone, then get counseling and and keep trying but make sure YOU are 100% willing to be open to intimacy and committment. It is those two issues, intimacy and committment, not your husband, that you are running from.
