She doesn't have "Ricky" over when your daughter is there, does she? If so, I'd put my foot down about that. It is entirely inappropriate since you are still not divorced.
Secondly, you at least were detached, but I wouldn't have said, "cool", I would have said, "As long as it doesn't affect Abby or that they are staying over when Abby is there, I don't want to hear about your social life." Set a firm boundary. Your wife shouldn't get to share her cheating excursions with you.
I applaud your previously stated goals. Good luck. Any time you feel like slipping up, or feel like you need to hear from your wife, just remember that this is the same woman that promised to forsake all others until death. She's not a great catch at the moment...you certainly wouldn't choose her based on her high moral standards. She should be crawling through broken glass to you, not the other way around. You are the catch.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Hey there abbysdad just checking in on you. You do need to set your boundaries when it comes to her having her "friend" over. She may think that it does not have an effect, but believe me it does. You should tell her calmly that she should not introduce her to any other friends until everything is final.
And you need to be strong. This is the tougest thing I have ever been through. You just have to tell yourself everyday that this is going to be a great day and think of ways that you can improve YOUR and yr daughters lives. We all know that we can not do anything about our spouses so why try. You will just drive yourself crazy with the questions about what she is doing etc...
Everyone will backslide occasionally, but when it happens think of ways to fix it. Do not let her bait you into an argument of any sort, and act "as if" to whatever she says when she trys to hurt you. Pull out all the 180's and blow her socks off with the new you attitude.
You can do it!! Hang in there buddy we are all here to support you!
P.S. When it comes to your daughter, don't be afraid to play hardball. I would certainly threaten that you'll legal work to limit her visitation to times that no guys are over (for now), or not at all if she's going to have guys over while she's there.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I'm probably going to get reamed for saying this but I must since I've been honest on these boards all along and more people here know my story than the people around me.
I don't even know how to write this but basically yesterday I "hooked up". Guess you can say it was a "one-dayer". It was a friend's friend, but I guess it doesn't matter who it was. Within 30 seconds after she left I felt so awful. I thought it would make me feel better but now its ten times worse....because now I miss W even more.
Why did I do it? It wasn't even worth it? I really hate myself right now. Now I have such low self esteem its not even funny. Guess this shows how weak I am too.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I could imagine how hard that would be in that situation. I have been going to this DivorceCare support group and it gives me reassurance to not be tempted to get into those situations until you get yourself back on track. They even say not to have friends of the opposite sex during this time. Its hard not to cause you feel you need to be heard by someone and want to rid that loneliness.
I would recommend getting into a church or something if you feel so bad. Would be really good for you and your girl. I wasnt the church going fan until all of this happened to me and here I am today going through my study bible on stuff about "D". I still dont know where I stand or what I believe but I working to find answers and help me better myself. My S really enjoys going and we pray before he goes to bed when he is over.
my stories
M-31 W-28 S7 D2.5 T 8, M 4 W filed 2-14-08 D on hold 3/08 D off hold 5/08 D to be final on/by Nov 08 Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
I can see why you'd feel bad, but don't beat yourself up. It happened....and you can't undo it. Let me ask you something: While the hooking up was going on, were you detached? I'll bet you were (otherwise, I doubt you could complete the act). Grasp onto that. Someone else found you desirable. Rather than let it destroy your self-esteem, remember that her leaving isn't all about you. Remember the detachment and hold onto it. Use it to your advantage when you interact with her. Think when you are around her, "there are other fish in the sea. I'd prefer you, but I know other women find me desirable". I don't recommend you go for a repeat performance unless you are ready to ditch your marriage, because honestly, you've now cheated also.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Keep your head up. This is something we all feel we want to do because we want that feeling of being wanted again. As PD said I would not go for round 2 unless you are sure that you want to move on.
As for your self-esteem re-read what PD posted that is right on!
My oldest brother has been in town for couple days. We kinda of lost touch over the years (mostly cause W and D was all I needed). We've been talking about things and I told him about it. I came to that same conclusion. No matter what....I'm not doing this again. It was nice to be desirable for a short while but the feelings I got right after were too much. And yes, I understand that I cheated now too.
Having my bro here has been so nice. He's ten years older and we never bonded like we have the last month. Don't remember him being so wise as well. Abby has only met him a few times and doesn't remember him, but she's taken to him as well. I'm very happy about this.
By the way, I spoke to W and set the boundary of OM. She said okay. Then I told her "this is coming to you from a friend....you are not being a very good mom right now". She was about to say something and then in a kind of sad tone, she said ok and was very silent. Do you think it was okay to say this to her? I meant it for Abby's sake.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Today I announce (to myself mostly) that I'm going to do this 100%. I have been GALing but that's it.
I need to "really really" detach. I need to be friendly to W, but not start the convos.
I need to stop snooping or worrying about what she's doing because there is nothing I can do about it.
I need to focus on Abby and me, Abby and me and if I didn't mention Abby and me!
I vow to give this my all and whatever happens at the end I'll be better for it.
If I do backslide, I hope everyone here (whoever's following) will let me have it. I've got good advice here and haven't always followed it. I'm ready to go! _________________________
Well there you go.
I understand the myriad of feelings that could lead you to this point. Still...
You are now in roughly the same boat as she. Or was that your intent?
So what about the post above?
What's done is done. I think it was terribly stupid and indulgent, but that doesn't really matter.
What matters is you.
What now?
Is the post above still valid?
And by the way, comments like these
Quote:
she said "Abby will probably tell you that I had a friend over" and Abby said "Ricky!". I was like cool. Honestly, i'm beyond it effecting me (at least in public) and I said "cool. well if you guys are dating, that's fine by me." She was like no, we are friends. I said "with benefits" and she said no.
are both stupid and little boy like. In the first one you are telling her something that you CLEARLY don't believe (so you've lied) and in the second you act like a little pouting boy.
It's going to take a much more focused effort if you really have any hope/intention of saving this marriage.
This is a low point. Do you quit or pick yourself up and start doing it right?
And remember Abby.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
