Back to square one

[Hope4us]

All of you are remarkable people.


hopeforus- NC is the only way I'll ever know if I can make it with H. I know this deep down, but it is painful to leave a feeling I feel like I never have felt before. Maybe it is too late? You said a marriage with lies in it is no marriage....there will always be lies in my marriage or at least a lack of shared details. No man could handle hearing what I feel about another man and how we did/said/feel things I NEVER felt with him.

Just an observation and not a slam although it may feel that way....Don't you think your husband has a right to know those details so he can make a decision for HIMSELF? Is it ok to come back to your husband and not share your inner most self with him there by robbing him of the chance to make decisions about his own life? Do you think by your statement that your husband could never handle your feelings for OM that maybe, just maybe you're selling him short and THAT'S why there isn't the intimacy in your marriage you crave?

Look, I'm not slamming you. Far from it. I can just imagine how scary this must be for you. You've made a decision (I think) to end it with OM and you're settling for less than what you "want" (OM) and you're afraid that if you tell your H your feelings that he'll leave and you'll be without a H AND OM.

Do you think if maybe you could share with your H those inner most feelings you have that maybe that would bring you emotionally closer together?

Again WDID, I'm not slamming you. I don't know you other than what you post here. But why not be HONEST with your H? Why not give him the opportunity to show you he can be emotionally there for you? Why not try your best to save your marriage completely? And I mean complete honesty. If that honesty ends your marriage, so be it, but at least you'll know that you gave it your best shot.

I read a passage in "Not Just Friends" and it said that one of the key's to recovery after an affair is for the wayward to tell the betrayed EVERYTHING they want/need to know. Open yourself up totally to your spouse. And when that is done, the luster of the OP suddenly isn't what it seemed. By sharing your intimate thoughts with your spouse you take the "fantasy" out of the OP and amazing things can happen then. If you share those feelings with your H and he can't handle it and the marriage ends, at least it's not a marriage based on lies which will never be the marriage either of you want or deserve.

But the first step is NC. OM may seem like your "soulmate" right now, but until you go NC for a good period of time (try 6 months to a year) you'll never know if your marriage can make it or not.

Again WDID. Not slamming. You are helping me in my sitch. If I seem a little touchy its because I just feel like a marriage will never even have the chance at recovering as long as an OM is in the picture. It's not fair to your H and it's not fair to OM and it's not fair to YOU.

Edited to add: I just read your last comment about OM being mad and going to a movie with the "girl" friend. Another website I read on frequently talks about a large number of affairs end when the OP finds someone new. If he was so desperately the one for you would he have moved on already? I know you said she's just a friend....but we've all heard that before haven't we?