Jeff- thank you for your constant support no matter what. It's the path we choose.......Right now I feel like I am choosing between the "right" path, and the "happy" path. You are right. I am struggling within myself and I dont know what to do. whatever will be, will be....but until then I am miserable.
Sara- I wish you had a song for me, too. I do feel more distant from OM now, and yet closer at the same time. I know what I need to do to TRY to move forward with my H......what kills me is that I'm afraid that no matter what I do with H, I will never love him like I should. We talked last night. We both feel something was missing right after we got married. We both knew this.
Saffie- I'd like you to be a part of my thread. I've read your responses to others before and learn from them. You are right that my self-esteem is low. I realize this and also realize I shouldn't expect anyone to have the job of making me feel good. I need to do this on my own. It is something I need to work on. I'm not sure why I am this way. I really have no reason for it.
Karen- I did make a mistake. I broke my promise to my H. I didn't see OM last night when I could have. OM is mad. I am sad. I am NOT telling H.
H4h- This road is difficult. Very difficult. My road with OM would be much easier and happier I'm afraid. I know what I want, but am worried that it won't happen. I dont want to be in a marriage where I am depressed and crying all the time. I dont even want to leave my bed. I want to sleep all the time. I am weak, too...like your wife....if it wasn't for what I think God is thinking.... Thank you for your prayers. I need them. I can't get H to be part of a team to fight OM. He, along with me, wonders if we are going to make it......not sure if there is love in there.....we just dont have anything to look back on even!!!
lost- Thank you for not judging me. Believe me, I have enough judgement on myself. How can I keep ping ponging between what I should do? Maybe my beliefs tell me it is wrong to leave my H, but my heart is saying something else. i hope that one day I can say I am free from my past and it had a purpose. I'm so unclear right now. Confused is the best word.
tiredandlost- Thanks for posting, and thank you for no judgements. I'm working on ending contact even though I feel like I am losing something so big.
Kat- I know now that I needed to do this. Thanks for the prayers and hugs, and constant support. Thanks for believing in me.
Puppy- I am certainly addicted to this feeling I have never felt before. Om does validate me, you are right. H validates me, too, but I just don't feel for him. I'm not telling him, Puppy. I knew you would say I should. I don't see my marriage as any more of a sham if I tell him than if I dont. We both feel like we have made a marriage out of nothing.....even before the A. The A and everything that happened after marriage was due to the relationship we had/have.
Discussion of telling or not telling- In this case, I'm not telling. He already knows there was an A, nothing new would be shared other than the fact I met him again. I needed to do this. Telling him helps only my guilt. Like I said earlier, if he finds out, and wants to leave me because of it, I will deal with that. But, him knowing will ONLY HURT our chances. We are close to not making it as it is......I think we both might jump to that vine to get the heck outta here. BOTH OF US!! If I tell him that I met OM I would also have to explain how I feel about OM...this will NOT help us. I'm not looking for the easy solution, if that were true I would leave H.
hopeforus- NC is the only way I'll ever know if I can make it with H. I know this deep down, but it is painful to leave a feeling I feel like I never have felt before. Maybe it is too late? You said a marriage with lies in it is no marriage....there will always be lies in my marriage or at least a lack of shared details. No man could handle hearing what I feel about another man and how we did/said/feel things I NEVER felt with him.
running- the lyin is tearing me down...yes...I hear what you're saying.
DanceQueen- I read your post. We can learn from each other I think. Do you see my M salvageable at this point?
Like I mentioned earlier, OM wanted to see me. I said no. He got mad. Went out with the girl "friend" to a movie, knowing it would hurt me, but what do I expect he says? He says...you are sleeping next to your H. I'm still jealous. I'm sad. I hate the thought of him with some other girl...friend or not. Why is this?
I'm so confused. This post doesn't even make sense as i reread it. I want to be with my H, but I don't. ???????? Welcome to the mind of your cheating spouses.
