Trying Hard to Detach

[summerd]

Eagle -
You are amazing and your stamina is incredible. Keep this in your mind and heart at all times. This willpower is a very attractive force. I wish I'd had the willpower not to separate. In many ways it was good me and good for him but in most cases it is NOT good for marriage. Most end in D. You are stronger person than I was if you can put the marriage on the shelf in the midst of a full blown affair.

Why are you so convinced the D is happening?? It may happen, it may not. Seeking legal advice is wise, but you don't have to allow the D to be your main focus. This may sound crazy but you CAN put it on the shelf along with your marriage. You can treat it just like another bill, another credit card statement, something to stick in a file. Unless there is a court date tomorrow or some document to sign immediately - nothing you have to do with the divorce requires an urgent action on your part. Three months is an eternity in this situation. Every tiny thing you do for yourself, to reward yourself, to gain your own strength is an opportunity.

The Halloween pumpkin carving in our neighborhood was the worst memory I have. All the families were so close, carving their pumpkins and my husband was on the phone with OW. I can't forget that - but I am now able to forgive him and it feels great.

You CAN do this. You CAN do this. I did it and so can you.

If your wife is in your house she will see that you are becoming a person who is loving, attractive, strong and THERE. Forget that it's lopsided - your kids are terrific. What are you doing for YOU? Can you take a short weekend with them to do something wild like wake boarding and be unavailable when she calls?

The phone calling is a huge plus sign. You're right not to have any expectations now but the phone calling IS a good sign. That puts YOU in control. You can choose to pick up the phone or not. And that was hard for me to see. Too often I let the OW be in control and the affair to control me. Being in control is different that being controlling. You are in control of your actions. She is not taking control of her actions - the affair and the OM are driving her train. This is not your concern - you could care less because YOU are what's important right now and your kids.

This is SO hard, Eagle. It was the hardest thing I've EVER done in my life. It was harder than taking care of my dying father, and my husband's kidney removal, and my mother with mental problems and managing dozens of people in a demanding career with three kids. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING EVER!! But hard is good because you find the strength you need to make it - for yourself and your kids. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

What are you doing for you????