WAW is back (for now?)

[GH31]

Hi Puppy,

Thanks very much for your response. I have read your posts to others on here and really appreciate your wisdom and experience.

My behaviour was awful in our M. I used to get angry with my W and say very awful things that hurt her terribly. I would swear at her lots, using the most offensive words in the English language and say things like "if you were a guy, I would punch you for that". I told her always that I wanted her but didn't need her which made her feel unloved and not remotely cherished. Often when we were out shopping or otherwise "out and about" I would shout at her in public and grab her if she tried to walk off, therefore causing a scene. For someone like my W who avoids conflict like the plague and is of a very quiet and mild disposition, this behaviour was deeply hurtful and embarrassing. In other words I was a nasty and verbally abusive jerk. Noone in their right mind would have wanted to stay married to the type of individual that I was.

Also, I was sent to boarding school as a young boy and felt abandoned and neglected as a child. This made me very self-centred in our marriage and I always had the mentality that "noone else gives a damn about me really, other than me". I would look after my own interests and not consider those of W and she often felt like she was not Number One in my life. I wasn't there for her when she needed me when she miscarried twice. This whole ordeal has opened up a Pandora's Box of resentments of the past when I put her second to me which, coupled with longing for OM, makes my sitch a tough one.

My selfishness made me very mean with money and "generous" is the last thing that anyone would have called me, but I have done a big 180 in this area as well as becoming completely unflappable. When I took W to airport she was saying things like "why are you being so good about this GH31, can't you do something awful to make it easier for me to leave you?".

The list goes on!

Fortunately I have taken very drastic measures to cleanse this horrible behaviour and thinking from my being, as I realise that I can never enjoy a wonderful M with anyone in the future unless I do. The problem is that W doesn't see it yet. She has said that she is "just waiting" for me to do something wrong and to "let her down again". She has called my changes "fraudulent and a pretence" at best and "farcical" at worst which actually hurts. I'm not even sure that she likes the new me. I have simply said that I know I needed to change and will maintain it no matter what happens to us.

There you go Puppy, I hope you believe me now when I say I was a total jerk. W has agreed that we never "drifted apart" and that we have always been a "fantastic team" and "extremely close". Our sex-life was always good and we always ML several times per week. The problem was that the awful things that I said and did made her extremely miserable and vulnerable to seeking love elsewhere. In January this year I was constantly aggressive, mean-tempered and hot-headed. She loves being out and about and when I lost my temper time after time whilst being out with her, I bankrupted her Love Bank Account in no time at all. So now I am stuck with much repair work to do and have to take things day by day, knowing that it could all unravel at any time. W is completely overcome and has never had to deal with a situation like this before so doesn't have a clue where to put herself.

Thanks again Puppy, your input is much appreciated!

GH31