Okay - home from work and have some time to think.
First off, you can't "make" him do anything. He'll either rise to the occasion or he won't. As MWD says in various ways throughout DR, you can try different techniques to make sure you two aren't misunderstanding each other, but the best you can do is draw him towards a better of understanding of you, not make him go there.
His 'good place'? This sounds like it's tending towards something that might be treatable with medication. What does he mean by his good place and why does he call it that? Why isn't he always in his 'good place'?
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If I call him on it, doing what he promised he wouldn't do, it is like throwing gasoline on a fire.
So now you know what not to do. It's great he tries to explain himself, but if you call him on his actions in the future are you expecting a different outcome? That's one of those cheeseless tunnels. I know - frustrating - but that's reality. And I don't buy his anger being about himself letting you down. That's him trying to justify it. IMO. Sure, he may feel self-recrimination later, but in the heat of the moment it's anger towards you.
I said earlier what I thought about his attitude on the phone. Unaware and hurting.
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I told him I wanted to do this face-to-face and that it needed more time than the 3 minutes he had before he needed to go rushing back to work.
Did you really say that? The 3 minutes bit? If so, that seems like you were being a bit underhanded. If you feel something, you should say it, but making snide remarks never helps the situation.
Eggshells. I know that feeling. My W got angry when I finally admitted I was walking on them. She said she wanted me to let her know how I felt, the good, the bad, the indifferent, but never to walk on eggshells. That evening we almost got back together. Why didn't we? She left. Later, she said she didn't know why she did that, she guessed she wasn't good at sustaining relationships.
You HAVE to work towards that relaxed space. That's why I asked you early on what it'd take to stay up all night and talk about your dreams. So what would it take? Getting drunk? Being out in the woods? laying around after slathering oil all over each other and wrestling exuberantly? Just asking. It helps to think different.
I hope you had a great time at the party. I need to tell you something, though. First, I think it's great you're posting here and I really want to see you succeed - you're in an incredibly vulnerable position and you deserve so much sympathy, understanding, and support.
But talking with you is incredibly hard for me because in giving you advice I condemn myself. Reading what you write makes me realize everything I didn't do for my W, the misunderstandings I clung to, the ways I never offered support, the silly games I played to "show" I was hurt. What idiocy - why didn't I just say something? Yes, our sitches are different and my W has twice chosen to pursue OM rather than address what was really going on between us, doing so instead of even telling me she was unhappy. And yes, my W self-admittedly is focused on herself, is unwilling to compromise, and will always choose her vision of the future over a relationship. But we held it together for 12 years and we were really, really good together. The reason it is ending is not because she became attracted to another man. It's because I knew what I was to her - someone special that drew her out of the person she thought she had to be - and then I turned away and refused to support her. Over and over.
It's easy to offer advice, hard to take it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I hope you have a really good weekend. lodo
