ot, I must be getting better at this. I pretty much journaled it while I started thinking about it, and shut it down as something not productive while I finished typing. I got up and went to my party, and had a great time I think the flash was triggered by seeing CW out, along with having the kids go. At least I am starting to make the connections, so I can be ready for the reaction that wants to rear up, and replace it with a healthier thought. I know my mind wants to drift back to the "comfortable" idea of him having a change of heart some day (which is why a part of me wanted him to go through Hell), but I've had enough of staying stuck and am forcing myself to deal with what is, which really isn't that bad.
The group of people at the party are from my drama-free school. I wish I could be there full time, but the budget doesn't allow the kids to have art 2x/week, so I have to go to another school 2 days. The building is only finishing its second year, and I have been a bit behind in getting "in" with the team, since I was out 1/2 the year last year for the spinal surgery, and 12 weeks this year. So, it was good to be able to have face time with my peers--it is a great group of people.
Thinking back on it, I might have smacked a little of the martyr a few times (trying to fill in a few people about my divorce who had no idea, without sounding like a victim--but why did I feel like I had to bring it up? Maybe to make it more real? More likely more self-pity, a bad habit), so I have to concentrate on getting that language out of my interactions with others. Its not who I want to be.
Tomorrow I am going to fire up the new kiln for the first time, and babysit it a while to make sure it runs ok. At the house, I have to mow the lawn (I actually love my tractor), and dig out again from the kids' cyclone. I am thinking of visiting my aunt on Sunday, but have to really look at the $$ to see if I can afford the gas (its about 100 miles round trip).
And I think I am going to splurge on a color change for my nails (cheaper than a manicure), and maybe even a massage--I went through a lot this week, even if I am doing ok with it. Maybe a reward for not falling apart?
Oh, I spoke with my psych today about getting some documentation to help me get an extension with grad school, maybe even a reimbursement for some of the classes I tanked when I couldn't do any of the work because of the depression. She was happy to hear how good I sounded and said she would help.
I think the flash was triggered by seeing CW out, along with having the kids go. At least I am starting to make the connections, so I can be ready for the reaction that wants to rear up, and replace it with a healthier thought. I know my mind wants to drift back to the "comfortable" idea of him having a change of heart some day (which is why a part of me wanted him to go through Hell), but I've had enough of staying stuck and am forcing myself to deal with what is, which really isn't that bad.