I had my S's last evening. Took them for haircuts then a swim in the pool, then back to W before bedtime. I enjoyed it very much, and I hope they did too.
So far the change in the parenting schedule is holding up -- and I am very hopeful. Starting this week, I will have the boys for seven days (instead of just five) every other week -- except for this week -- W is taking them out of town tonight to visit her family two hours east of here in "Little Washington".
That brings up a major point. While W has been seemingly more than cooperative enough, especially since relenting on the 50-50 demand, I hold tonight and this weekend with very mixed emotions. It was the Friday before Father's Day last year at this time that I discovered my W's infidelity. My world was turned completely upside down in a heartbeat. For me it is painful deja vu all over again -- then, like now W had our S's, visiting with family overnight in Little Washington. Then, like now, W was treacherously planning the end of our M -- although now I am fully aware of it. Then, like now, W was being very secretive and quiet about what her real plans and motives were/are. I guess for quite a long time now she has kept me in the dark about what is really going on in her mind.
I wonder if she realizes the full significance of this weekend, these particular dates, are to me.
I know, focus on the positives. Well, I sort of did that last time. We had had a discussion the (Thursday) night before the bomb, where she had tried to broach the subject of us separating under the pretenses it would be for my sake (because I was so depressed) -- which I rejected/declined and told her we should work together on our problems together as a family. And we left it like that.
But then I found the truth out, and it's been Hell on earth ever since... (Okay, well maybe Purgatory then).
But at least I have been struggling back onto God's path as a result of this ordeal -- I can be thankful for that. I might have remained totally lost in depression were it not for this crisis.
An odd irony that.
I have to admit I do love her still. Seeing her last evening when I picked up and then dropped off the kids, I couldn't help but feel that tug on my heart. She still attracts me, invokes that natural feeling I have had towards her since the beginning. But her personality is so changed. I just don't love the person she is being right now. I see the glimmers of the woman I knew and loved for 18 years, which draws me to her, but then there is this veneer, this mantle of darkness enshrouding her soul now, an air of entitlement and selfishness, that repulses me. Even as nice as she has been this week. And that stays my hand, and saddens me.
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Tonight I am going out to meet some friends at Chili's for drinks and desserts. We'll have a lot to talk about.
