I think I am close to "burn it" (my mind), I am having memory black holes lately, it's either Alzheimers or its a way by brain itself tells me to stop..., calm down... K
BTW, it's not a matter of perception, it's true...
Your wife reminds me so much of my H's niece. She is a drama queen and she has manipulated people all her life......and does the screaming when she doesn't get her way. Nobody in the family seem to know what to do with or about her. I knew her most of her life and she was spoiled rotten. Her mother had no support in the discipline and I would see her dad and GM let her get away with awful things as she grew up. She treated all her H's that way. She has been M 3 or 4 times. Now, she is alone. Nobody can stand to live with her. IMHO, women like that don't want to be counseled b/c they do not want to be told they are wrong and they don't want to be placed in a situation (like a counselor's office) where they do not feel in control.
Maybe some men could chime in and give any advice they may have if they lived with a woman like this. I'm sure when you feel like she talks to you like you "have sh*t for brains", she is in one of those controlling-screaming-bitchy sceens. I don't know how you deal with it. I would think that it is almost impossible to keep a person like this very happy for any long period of time. Maybe you should get counseling advice to know how to deal with her...! If women only knew how they look and sound when they are acting like that! I wonder if she has ever heard herself on tape when she is screaming at somebody.
Well, I hope somebody will jump in and help you with some good advice, b/c I am afraid what I would suggest would not work very well....since you are piecing back your M. I'm sure you have tried to sit and talk in a calm manner (when she is not mad) about how she is degrading herself and disrecpting you and others when she does this. If she has lost close friends due to her behavior and she keeps doing it, then she must not learn well from her mistakes or else she thinks she is always right. If so, then she will continue to do what she is doing.
Don't you just wish you could shake some sense into her? Oh well, can't do that. She must have some good qualities about her for you to love her and want the M to work. I do believe that people like your W does not take constructive criticism well. I am thinking that that is why she may not want to have the R talk more than anything else......she knows she was wrong but doesn't want to be told that nor made to feel guilty about anything that caused the M to go on the rock. That is just a thought and completely different than what I've told you in the past about not wanting to talk R due to brining up all the "feelings" again. At some time down the road, maybe some of those things you need to talk about or hear from her will come to pass.....but I think it will be a while before it happens. I would certainly not even try to talk R before or during the trip. Maybe this trip will be a healing process for both of you and you won't have to talk about some things.
Since I didn't have sex before M, I am not much help in that department. You know, I grew up in that era where "good girls" didn't do that before M. And, boy was I a good girl! But, it doesn't stop the sexual problems just b/c you were virgins when you marry! It does seem to me that if she enjoyed it before M, she would certainly want to do it after M. If it was b/c she didn't want to lose you.......why doesn't she look at it that way now? I need to go back and do some re-reading in the DR book. I think Michelle talks about some of that.
I'm sorry.....just rambling tonight....guess I'm kind of lonely. Anyway, sweetie, sure hope she will come around in the sexual part and maybe she will since she is excited about the house and trip. I know when I'm happy....that was when I always wanted to make love. I think it is a beautiful way to "celebrate life" with the one you love when you are happy and excited about whatever may be going on at the time.
Well, I'll talk to you later. Try to stay calm when the storms come up. It will pass and things will be still again. You are a great guy and you are doing everything you can for this M. I am very proud of you Lan.
Take care. Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
At the moment I'm not floundering or desperate for advice, I just know that I have to keep working on the M to keep it going. In fact I tried to tell W this a couple of years ago but I don't think it registered with her.
So as long as I know I need to work on the M and I maintain the DB principles then I should be ok. What is it they say, you can't change the other person so change yourself. I'll do this without becoming a doormat and without accepting some of the things I have done in the past.
Other than that W can be a pain to live with, but I'll survive, we'll survive together.
You are much the man, Lan. You are to be admired and I hope everything will go good between the two of you. I know it is hard and you will get discouraged at times, but hang in there and keep doing what works.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll do this without becoming a doormat and without accepting some of the things I have done in the past.
Lan, Can you elaborate with some examples what exactly you mean by this? I'm particularly interested to know what happens when she is either yelling in your face or withdrawing over some silly thing. Or what if the OM business starts up again how will you confront it? God forbid there are unforeseen stresses like job loss, illness, etc. how can you ride thru' these with your W the way she is? I know these are tough questions, but you may as well prepare for the worst.
