It's so nice to hear someone say that my thoughts are normal. I've had a lot of support from my family and a few close friends, but as much at they try they can't understand DBing. I was lucky my parents supported my desires to save my family. My friends supported it but some of them couldn't understand why I would want to.
Had an okay day today. H started preparing the kitchen to paint. We painted together. Later took DD to the park and stopped for popsicles. I appreciate the little things. It's so hard to reign in the little voice that screams why can't you just love me? Why does this have to be so hard? Wasn't this your idea?
I am my worst enemy. H is off work tomorrow and is taking DD to his parents. Could he go out and do something contrary to our marriage? Yep. Can I control that? No. So why do I think about it.
Resnooped on his cell phone to torture myself with old text messages. Why do I do that to myself? It's not like he couldn't delete any new messages or calls and I would never have any idea. Found out he sent message after he told me he wanted to work it out. Wonder how many other omissions are out there.
I'm not proud I've snooped. I haven't done it very often. I'm sure H would be angry and I couldn't blame him. Every time I think it's safe to trust though something happens. Like she calls distraught from her therapists office and he tries to make her feel better. I find out he still has lunch daily and rides the metro with her sometimes. He buys her a ring 2 days before my birthday.
There is nothing I can do about what he does though. The only person I can control is myself. If I can't control myself all I can do is make the situation worse and not better. I did take her skirt out of my closet and her vitamins out of the cabinet and put them in a bag today. I won't through them out, it's not my place. It would be nice if he wanted to sanitize to protect my feelings, but the gesture won't have the same effect if he does it cause I ask him to. Anyway I already asked twice and OW still lives with us, a little anyway. She did have some really good conditioner that I've almost used, and her shower gel smelled good.
I understand it's hard when something ends. I respect that they shared something, probably something H isn't ready to/or doesn't want to give up. I deserve respect too. Keep stuff someplace I don't have to see it. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but sometimes I feel like he thinks I am.
