Impossible situation??

[happycamper]

Hi DanceQueen

Thanks for your reply. I can see what you mean about the letter and the link to the website. I read your post a number of times and I understand that I don't 'get it'. I 'get' that I 'don't get it'. I think it does break something in me (I often have fantasies about seeing the lady at a wedding or something and then going up to her and hitting her). He is an intelligent man, and a trained counsellor himself, and really I don't think it would be good to make any suggestions at all, now understanding how I don't 'get it'.

I have to say I am a bit concerned about your thought process. I think you need to pull back from the situation even more and stop believeing that there is a magical fix for any of this, and take more responsibility within yourself - as I said in my other post to you on this thread. I was a bit surprised when your response to me was "no one can be blamed for what happened". Urm...well, that is one way of looking at it, and the word blame really doesn't even need to be used ... but I think your response really missed my point. I think if you could look a bit more reasonably at your past actions and just accept what it has done without worrying about blame per se, you will be in a better position to move forward. Especially now in the light of you saying that when your husband finally admitted his childhood sexual abuse to you, that you handled it poorly. These are the things we really need to accept that we messed up on and own it entirely, not run from it...I hope I am making any sense.

This is something I am going to need a little more clarification on, because I don't really understand what you are saying and I want to - I want to learn as much as possible. Firstly, when I said that no-one can be blamed (subtext - I can't be blamed I suppose) what I meant was that it wasn't intentional. I was 19, suffered severe depression and a nervous breakdown, was on all sorts of medication (again which play havoc with your libido), had no sexual experience, never had an orgasm, never masturbated etc etc. I did everything I could to put it right, endured horrible counsellors who were either useless or frankly unprofessional, cried for years and years. Finally I took a course of action which I not only considered disgusting, but also a taboo and against everything my church culture preached. Both of us acknowledge that it was probably the greatest act of love I ever showed H. I guess all this is now immaterial, as we are where we are, but I wanted to show you I tried.

Now, I feel utterly devastated that the effect my issues had on my H may mean he is going to turn and walk out on me and our 4 children. I understand (as much as is possible) how he feels, I listen to what he is saying, I wouldn't even blame him if he did go. I don't talk to him about it, there is definitely no sexual contact from me - how can I pull back any further? How can I take more responsibility? How can I own it any more than I already have? I am asking these questions respectfully.

What I am wondering if you are saying is that this really is an impossible situation, there is no recovery from it and really I just have to let him go. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can 'move forward' (ie without him). Is that what you mean?

Also, for clarification, what I actually said when he was brave enough to tell me about the abuse, was that I felt very upset by it for him, sadly I did not think it was something I was able to handle (that was during my nervous breakdown) and I encouraged him to seek professional help. Why I feel so ashamed of that reaction is that I was putting my own needs above his. I have apologised many times for this reaction (I know that probably won't help).

So please, if you have time, help me understand what you mean!