The Ultimatum

[Jack_Three_Beans]

LOL, ummm yeah I meant FW, sorry. Been occupied trying to find Amy's song.

[cat03]

did he say he would agree on having a convo with ow and you? I remember when I told my stbx that that was a condition, he out right said no, that if that was my final condition that it was over, right then I should've realized that he was just not going to put me first, I just prolonged my agony an extra week, but, whatever.

Glad you are at peace with fact that if he doesn't come through you will be content with your life, after all the crap you/I went through, there comes a point when peace is totally welcome even it the outcome wasn't what we originally wanted.

[fooled again]

cat,

did he say he would agree on having a convo with ow and you?

Yes, in fact he agreed to set up a meeting w/ OW so that she can pick up her stuff from his place and I would be there too. That's when he's going to tell her again "no contact, ever, forever" (he says he told her in a text message already, but that also happened last Oct). I asked H a couple of days later if he could really do that and he said "It's the only way." I said that I agreed.

If he said "No" to the meeting, then it would be over right then and there. If he doesn't go through with it, or thinks he can delay until I stop asking, then it's over. This is my first condition, the one upon which everything else hinges.

It has been nearly one week since I gave him the Utimatum. I have asked him a couple of times about the meeting, and he says he will set it up soon. I believe that I have made it clear that until that happens, there will be no progress wrt our R. I told him I would book time off work for the meeting. I think he's procrastinating b/c he doesn't know what to expect from OW, and what man wants his W and the OW in the same room together? But I want to get it over with so we can get on w/ our lives.

H has been giving me clear signals that he wants to get closer & spend more time together and he's been hinting about ML. I responded that we would have to see. I'm on the fence about that since it would be a huge 180 for me not to ML soon. I do want him to know that I still want him sexually and that connection has always been very strong and very important for us, but on the other hand, I said that my conditions had to be met in order for us to move forward. Maybe a month or two w/out might be good for both of us, and remind him even more of what he stands to lose. He had been cake eating for a very long time...

there comes a point when peace is totally welcome even it the outcome wasn't what we originally wanted

You can say that again, sister

FA

[Jeanette1120]

Hey Girl!!

Don't you find it liberating when you make your stand? You know the difference now between right/wrong? Cake eating/dessert?

And your no longer afraid or have that submisivness inside you?

You've made your ultimatum, you should stick as closely to it as possible. If you start waffling (especially in the sex dept) it may not come off as strong as you need it to be.

Ultimatums do not need be do or die....you just need to get your point across with H and sticking to the rules made by you will have more impact.

I am sure you made everything clear to your H.

Now it's his turn to make things clear to you.

Meanwhile.....enjoy the "Peace" !!

Hugs,

Jeanette

[fooled again]

It is very liberating and I feel such a sense of calm resolve. I know that my life is going to move forward now, and I am giving H one last chance to have an affect on which the direction it takes.

I met w/ my coach last night and it was a very good session. H had asked about staying over this w/end but I hesitated - again, I'm not sure about ML w/ him right now. My coach suggested that I tell him that I would love for him to stay over, but that I needed a show of faith from him and to ask him to put in his notice at his apt today and set up the meeting w/ OW for next week. She said, like you Jeannette, that I do need to make it clear that my conditions are non negotiable, and that unless he takes steps to move us forward, this is where it stops, but to do it in a loving an supportive way.

So then I called H and asked to come over to his place. When I got there he had a bottle of wine open and ready AND his cell phone was sitting out on the counter. I didn't say a word, but I did look at it and I know he saw me do so. Ater some small talk, I said what my coach suggested. I said "I don't want you to think that I don't want to spend time w/ you, or that I don't want to ML w/ you. I do, very much. I am ready to move forward w/ you, and no it's not too soon, as long as you are ready to move forward. But that is going to mean you have to be ready to take those steps that I need you to take for us to move forward." I said that I would like him to put in his notice to his landlord the next day (today). I said that I would like for him to set up the meeting w/ OW next week. I said if the money he owed her was a concern, we would find it and pay her so that we can get her out of our lives forever as soon as possible. I said that I wanted there to be no connection w/ her, no reason for her to contact him ever again. I said that I didn't want this meeting hanging over us for much longer. And I said that I wanted him to move back home as soon as possible, that even though he has to pay for his apt until the end of July, he doesn't have to live there until then.

He listened calmly and then said okay, then nothing and we sat on the couch & watched a little TV. After a bit I asked if he had anything else to say about what I had said. He said he agreed with everything I said. I said "everything?", and he said yes. I asked how that makes him feel and he said "a little scared and nervous". I paused, then said, "remember that I am scared and nervous too". He said "I know".

We didn't talk too much more, but cuddled and kissed on the couch until I had to go. I know H wanted more, but I also know that I will stick to my resolve and not move forward with him until he starts following through.

My coach, though obviously not able to predict the future, was quite encouraged by what I was telling her of my sitch and what my H was saying and doing. She felt that there was a strong possibility that my H would be able to do what I ask, but it really is up to him to determine if he is going to face up to his demons and what he has done and forgive himself. If he cannot, she reminded me, it is not about me, it would not be b/c I wasn't good enough, but rather it would be b/c he chose to run from his demons, and there isn't much I can do to change that. It is up to him now...

She also warned that I need to be very clear on why I am taking him back, b/c there will be days when he is back home when I will wake up and find myself very angry and resentful of him. I have read about this from others' posts who are "Piecing", that once they are back, alot of bad feelings resurface in the LBS. It will be up to me to look at my reasons for wanting him back to keep me focused on working through the resentment and keeping the positive changes going on my part.

So that's my update. I would like to be able to write in my next post that H has given his notice and that we are meeting OW on X day next week. For now, I'm breathing, I'm calm, I'm feeling balanced. I will hold onto those feelings through all of this, no matter what.

FA

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have read about this from others' posts who are "Piecing", that once they are back, alot of bad feelings resurface in the LBS.

Get rid of your evidence. Have him get rid of his 'trophy's' or things you suspect she gave him. Let him know why you are doing this and why you need him too. Because you are paving the way for a smoother ride. It is not going to be an easy ride, but at least get rid of the bumps that you can.

Throwing out my evidence...it was scary, it really was, here was the stuff that helped me focus my anger, a part of my past history the REASONS for everything...It was a crutch, getting rid of them was liberating, even though it scared me to do so.

[cat03]

yup, after having bottling up all our feelings it all comes back out when the S comes back.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I also found that several heart to heart talks, open and honest with her answering many of my questions, PRIOR to her moving back in helped out as well. Laying the groundwork to better communication and lancing several pent up hurts if you will.

[fooled again]

Jack,

Throwing out my evidence...it was scary, it really was, here was the stuff that helped me focus my anger, a part of my past history the REASONS for everything...It was a crutch, getting rid of them was liberating, even though it scared me to do so.

I did read your post about you "getting rid of your evidence". It moved me beyond description, since I have held on to my evidence all along, and I understand the twisted sense of security that evidence gives us. I still have the original emails I discovered nearly 2 years ago. This is one of the reasons I want to get this meeting w/ OW over w/ asap - I want him to purge himself of her and her stuff, some of which was her mother's (who passed away last year) which she brought over to his place to make her feel comfortable there. Even last night when I was there, I saw a hair clip that is not mine sitting way off in a corner on a side table.

I honestly don't know what "trophies" he has after 2 1/2 yrs, but I imagine there are clothes, nick nacks, pictures, books, and so on. I think it may take some time for him to get rid of it all - they didn't live together, but she did make herself at home at his place. But you are right, this is something we need to do.

I was thinking maybe we could spend time together while he is packing things up, and have a box that we can put things in that have to do w/ her and I could add my "evidence". Then we could have a ceremony, maybe when we are camping together, and burn all of those things as a final cleansing of our relationship.

But we have to cross that bridge when we get to it. First, he has to give his notice and set up the meeting w/ OW and take the steps I need to move forward w/ him.

FA

[fooled again]

Cat,

I worry about those bottled up feelings - I know they are there but I have pushed them so far down in order to survive and be strong enough to do what I had to do last week and to continue to do what I have to do in the coming days and weeks. The day I sat in my car waiting for OW to leave his place, only 11 days ago but it feels more like a month ago, I did not cry, I was not angry, I was calm and cold and numb. And I sat and waited for 4 hours!! Thinking back, it's really quite unbelievable.

I feel that there is a dam holding it all back and one day, when I feel safe enough, the dam is going to give and it will all come rushing out.

Or maybe by using Jack's suggestion of heart to hearts will allow some of those pent up feelings to trickly out a bit at a time. All I know is that I have to keep reminding myself that the really hard stuff is yet to come. I even have moments when I ask myself if this is what I really want, and wouldn't it just be easier to walk away b/c I will be spending the rest of my life trying to heal? I guess I just want to be honest w/ myself and face the future with my eyes wide open.

FA