Thanks for stopping by. Yes H and I are both Federal employees working in D.C., but we live in Rockville. He came to me in January and said he wanted to work things out. I was surprised and caught a little off guard. I'd previously spent so much time thinking about us getting back together, but hadn't thought about it for awhile at that time. I was making plans for D and me and trying to move on. I made the mistake of jumping too eagerly on the bandwagon I think. Should have taken more time to figure out how this would work.
H gave the ring to OW on 5/7 (which was the day I transferred to D.C.) with a letter saying he needed to work on his family now. Not that that makes buying her a ring any better. I thought he had already made that decision. H hasn't really lied to me that I know of. Answers questions that I ask, and sometimes offers up information on his own but rarely. I think there are things he doesn't share though.
I don't think things between them were over when he told me they were. Just a feeling. I'm also not sure where he is in the process of getting over her. I'm not sure what goes on between them at the office. They could still be e-mailing or whatever. H doesn't know that I know about the picture in his briefcase.
I told my H early on if he changed his mind to let me know and it would never be too late to try and work things out. He took me at my word and I don't think he believes I will ever not be an option for him. Honestly when he came to me it was almost too late. H indicated he cared about my and our Ds welfare, and felt like he was running away from his responsibilities. I made it clear I didn't want him to sacrafice his happiness for D and I didn't want to either. Early on it seemed like we had some good discussions about it. Now only rarely.
I don't know what's going to happen. We carry on a relatively normal but totally platonic family life. Can I live like that forever? No. I told him recently we were just going through the motions and I didn't know how long I could hold on waiting to feel a connection from him. Wouldn't that be ironic to go through all this and be a WAW in the end?
I knew working this out would be hard and would take a long time. I didn't think about how the lack of true companionship and affection would feel over long periods of time. I don't recommend people try it, it sucks.
I have to accept that my H is still deep in fog or the throws of his A or post-A and still has feelings for OW. Truthfully though someday he will have to decide to really get over her or he will force me to try and get over him. That's the brutal reality of all this. I don't know when the time to make that decision comes. Does he need a few more months? Can I give him a few months?
We just bought a new house so we can't sell it and escape capital gains until we've owned it for 2 years. Not that that would stop us from selling it if we had too. Sometimes I think he wanted to buy a house so he would feel trapped, but I don't know that for sure.
A mutual friend of ours told me early this year that in November H told her OW wasn't the "one" but he didn't know if he wanted to come back to me. He sure acts to me like he felt OW was the one.
Susan I'm so sorry you're going through what you are. You're smart to get on the bb early in the game. I lurked but should have shared. I think I would have felt better if I did. Stay strong for your S. It's so unfair to them to be going through this. My D is 5 and was aware of daddy's absence, which was really painful for me. Keep doing well for you. Hopefully your H will figure out what he has to lose before it's too late.
Sue
Thanks for the kind words. I need to focus on me for me and be more patient. I'm afraid that H will view that as pulling away. He did seem concerned that we didn't do enough together when all this started. I need to figure out how to balance my feelings for H and letting him know I care about him and feeling good about myself.
Thanks to you both for stopping by. It eases the loneliness a little.
