Full disclosure works for some people. But there can be a downside to it also. When one person confesses their wrongdoings to the other, the burden of the wrongdoing is lifted from the person who confesses onto the other person. That doesn't make it go away. The offender now feels better for confessing, but the innocent spouse feels terrible. The real question is: does that help?
You have a lot of work to do to get OM out of your life and build the relationship with your husband. If you focus on that you will know what you need to do.
Full disclosure works for some people. But there can be a downside to it also. When one person confesses their wrongdoings to the other, the burden of the wrongdoing is lifted from the person who confesses onto the other person. That doesn't make it go away. The offender now feels better for confessing, but the innocent spouse feels terrible. The real question is: does that help?
Those were my thoughts exactly--why I said I agreed about not telling your H. I mean if it was my H, I'd rather not know (although I'm sure there are some that would want to know) and just have him resolve/commit to have 100% no contact in the future. I think your H's been through so much already! Karen
Full disclosure works for some people. But there can be a downside to it also. When one person confesses their wrongdoings to the other, the burden of the wrongdoing is lifted from the person who confesses onto the other person. That doesn't make it go away. The offender now feels better for confessing, but the innocent spouse feels terrible. The real question is: does that help?
But what if he found out there was contact on his own...or better yet what if he already knows. I think lying (even by omission) is much worse. IMO, the outcome will be much worse if he finds out on his own than if he is honestly told what happened. In my case, the lying hurt much worse than what was actually being done....again just how I felt.
Karen and Sara, you seem to be coming at this from the perspective of what will be "easier" -- for both spouses, combined. I don't disagree. Honesty is usually the more difficult path.
I agree. So if the marriage does make it, still more lies to prevent the emotional intimacy a marriage requires.
Not bashing WDID. I see how you're struggling and it's given me insight into what my WW is going through and I've been following your posts to gleen info that will help my sitch. I think you've been very strong and know what needs to be done but are torn.
NC is the only way you'll ever know if you can make it with your H.
This exact discussion is what I didn't like about "after the affair". In the book it talks about revealing an affair or not and in some cases supports NOT telling and I'll just never understand that. A marriage with lies in it is no marriage in my book.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I think you need to tell your H everything. Just go clean otherwise you will hate yourself in the long run. OM may be building you up, but your lying is going to tear you down and make OM's adulation even more necessary to feed your ego.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Please go to my user name and "view posts" and read my very first post. You sound a lot like me in many ways, specifically that my husband and I never had that "spark", but yet, I was able to find the spark in me with OM's.
I believe my marriage could have been saved, but there were so many things going against it - and I am divorced now. My post is a long story, but its all there. Please read it and decide if you see yourself at all (I don't really know how to link it directly on the screen like others are doing).
I just wanted to stop and check in on you. I support you and believe that you are trying to do what is best for your marriage. Don't stop posting, we all are here to help you through this.
(((((hugs)))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Jeff- thank you for your constant support no matter what. It's the path we choose.......Right now I feel like I am choosing between the "right" path, and the "happy" path. You are right. I am struggling within myself and I dont know what to do. whatever will be, will be....but until then I am miserable.
Sara- I wish you had a song for me, too. I do feel more distant from OM now, and yet closer at the same time. I know what I need to do to TRY to move forward with my H......what kills me is that I'm afraid that no matter what I do with H, I will never love him like I should. We talked last night. We both feel something was missing right after we got married. We both knew this.
Saffie- I'd like you to be a part of my thread. I've read your responses to others before and learn from them. You are right that my self-esteem is low. I realize this and also realize I shouldn't expect anyone to have the job of making me feel good. I need to do this on my own. It is something I need to work on. I'm not sure why I am this way. I really have no reason for it.
Karen- I did make a mistake. I broke my promise to my H. I didn't see OM last night when I could have. OM is mad. I am sad. I am NOT telling H.
H4h- This road is difficult. Very difficult. My road with OM would be much easier and happier I'm afraid. I know what I want, but am worried that it won't happen. I dont want to be in a marriage where I am depressed and crying all the time. I dont even want to leave my bed. I want to sleep all the time. I am weak, too...like your wife....if it wasn't for what I think God is thinking.... Thank you for your prayers. I need them. I can't get H to be part of a team to fight OM. He, along with me, wonders if we are going to make it......not sure if there is love in there.....we just dont have anything to look back on even!!!
lost- Thank you for not judging me. Believe me, I have enough judgement on myself. How can I keep ping ponging between what I should do? Maybe my beliefs tell me it is wrong to leave my H, but my heart is saying something else. i hope that one day I can say I am free from my past and it had a purpose. I'm so unclear right now. Confused is the best word.
tiredandlost- Thanks for posting, and thank you for no judgements. I'm working on ending contact even though I feel like I am losing something so big.
Kat- I know now that I needed to do this. Thanks for the prayers and hugs, and constant support. Thanks for believing in me.
Puppy- I am certainly addicted to this feeling I have never felt before. Om does validate me, you are right. H validates me, too, but I just don't feel for him. I'm not telling him, Puppy. I knew you would say I should. I don't see my marriage as any more of a sham if I tell him than if I dont. We both feel like we have made a marriage out of nothing.....even before the A. The A and everything that happened after marriage was due to the relationship we had/have.
Discussion of telling or not telling- In this case, I'm not telling. He already knows there was an A, nothing new would be shared other than the fact I met him again. I needed to do this. Telling him helps only my guilt. Like I said earlier, if he finds out, and wants to leave me because of it, I will deal with that. But, him knowing will ONLY HURT our chances. We are close to not making it as it is......I think we both might jump to that vine to get the heck outta here. BOTH OF US!! If I tell him that I met OM I would also have to explain how I feel about OM...this will NOT help us. I'm not looking for the easy solution, if that were true I would leave H.
hopeforus- NC is the only way I'll ever know if I can make it with H. I know this deep down, but it is painful to leave a feeling I feel like I never have felt before. Maybe it is too late? You said a marriage with lies in it is no marriage....there will always be lies in my marriage or at least a lack of shared details. No man could handle hearing what I feel about another man and how we did/said/feel things I NEVER felt with him.
running- the lyin is tearing me down...yes...I hear what you're saying.
DanceQueen- I read your post. We can learn from each other I think. Do you see my M salvageable at this point?
Like I mentioned earlier, OM wanted to see me. I said no. He got mad. Went out with the girl "friend" to a movie, knowing it would hurt me, but what do I expect he says? He says...you are sleeping next to your H. I'm still jealous. I'm sad. I hate the thought of him with some other girl...friend or not. Why is this?
I'm so confused. This post doesn't even make sense as i reread it. I want to be with my H, but I don't. ???????? Welcome to the mind of your cheating spouses.
