I've lurked for so long I feel like I know some of you. Now it's time to come for help and maybe offer some to others, though I may not have any good advice. I have smiled and cried with a lot of you along the way.
My saga starts a year ago, I'll try to keep it short. Me BS 35, H WS 36 we have a 5 yo D, M 8.5 years together 14. June 02 things seem to get weird. H admits to having feelings for OW43 who is a coworker going through a D. H stays with friends for 2 weeks. Comes home at the end of June to work things out. July 31st H says can't work. I ask for his ring. Next day he confesses feelings to OW who immediatetly falls in love with him and wants to mother my child. She's afraid I will hate her and we'll have to deal with each other in the future. I move to my parents. I move home again in early August since these are his consequences not mine. H stays out late. I leave again since I'm making myself sick.
H wants MC to find closure. We have some joint sessions and a few IC. MC says I should move home for D. I do. H comes and goes to OW place while my D and I watch. We are civil. I see attorney to find out about CS. H never complains about financial support. I find lots of great stuff H is doing, pictures, notes, song lyrics he wrote. Pain is unbelievable. I tell him I'm not selling house he can stay as long as he wants. He decides to get apartment. I pack his things for him. He leaves end of Sept. Moves 45 min away. Sees D every other weekend. Never calls her. I've tried begging, pleading, I'm making myself miserable. I hear so much hurtful stuff not sure I can recover. I never explain what's happening to D, she just thinks H wants to live in an apartment.
H starts bringing food to the house when picking up and dropping off D. Starts to hang out, says it's to make it easier on D. I say please don't too hard for me. He still does. I got to MC and IC while I'm living alone. Trying to let go of H in my heart. Almost succeed. At the end of the year I get myself together, finally ready to find happiness. Ready to explore EAs that have been discussed with male friends though I still have a lot of guilt. Stuff at home starts breaking, car stuff, I have fixed. I decide time to sell house and move to parents to lick my wounds. I buy new car. Let H know we can sell house together, figure out split later. I'd already told him he would have to file and I won't agree to voluntary separation since D has to know I tried everything I could to hold her family together.
1/17/03 - contracts signed, house goes on market Feb 1st, H says he's thinking about working things out. WHAT! Damn him. Let me pick myself up and then you dump on me again. I agree to try because I should. He says already broke up with OW but still has some dates already planned. They are taking dancing lessons probably for the wedding reception. H agrees to wear ring.
House sells quickly. H wants to know if we'll move to his apt. Admits that will keep him away from OW. I watch my grandmother die. Life feels short. House feels lonely. I move in to H's apt for the companionship. Maybe a bad move.
H wants to buy a new house right away. I am objecting mildly (wait shouldn't we figure stuff out?) but go along with plan. We buy beautiful house, move in end of April. H, OW and I work for same agency. I transfer to H/OW's duty location in May since commute will be better from new house. Give up working in an office with people I really like.
5/7 - my first day on new job, OW birthday, bad day for everyone. H buys her a ring while shopping for my birthday 5/9 which he makes very special. H tells me about ring, I am crushed but understanding.
Things are okay between us. We work on house, take care of D. Do regular everyday stuff together. No affection. I do not pursue, very few R talks, no ILY, but his depression is wearing me down. Two weeks ago he admits he's depressed, says he'll be out of it soon, thanks me for putting up with him. I have meltdown 2 days ago and can't find light at the end of the sitch anymore. Come to the conclusion I don't have anything to lose but stuff and money and I don't care about that. I lay everything out in series of e-mails for H. Nicely, calmly, but I've been sitting too long on the being unhappy stuff so once I start I can't stop. Let him know I still love him, hadn't in at least 6 months. Let him know I don't know how long I can hold on waiting to feel a connection to him. His depression is wearing me down, etc. I feel better. Scared but better. Today I am letting go of the bad and determined to concentrate on myself.
Today, I let H know I'm taking off crisis management hat and the struggling to figure out how to fix it toolbelt. H thinks I need to chill out.
I am tired. I have been understanding. I am trying to be patient. I'm missing lots of stuff in here - some good, some so painful I can't relive it. H doesn't seem remorseful. Has even said he didn't want to break up with OW. I say then why did you? H won't get new job and OW office is next door. H agreed to get would get rid of her stuff at the house, sanitize cell phone/e-mail but 4 months have passed and he's done nothing. H still has lunch with her daily with a group of coworkers. Says he wants to be her friend. In the end it's just stuff. I can't/don't want to tell him what to do so I suck it up. Feels like he doesn't care about my feelings, only hers. He feels guilty because of what he did to her. Whatever!
I am not pressuring for affection or SF, but a couple advances I made early on were brushed off. I told H I forgive him, hoped he could forgive me. Recognize my contribution to the problem. We grew apart. H needed to feel appreciated, and I just nagged because I wanted to feel loved. Vicious circle of reacting to each other's crummy behavior. Since this started I've lost 70 lbs, have 25 to go. The not eating, sleeping and smoking 3 packs a day helped in the beginning, but most of the loss was planned. I had been overweight since I met H. Now I'm almost normal. Offers of friendship from other boys are hard to decline, but I am determined not to have an A myself, but the lack of affection is making me feel like some kind of experiment.
I am lonely but can go on. I need help to find the light again for my M. H won't go to MC again, and now we couldn't afford it anyway cause our mortgage is so huge. Sorry for the novella. I should learn to let things out in drips and not floods. My PMA for me is good today. Just don't know what to think about M.
By the way I've read DB/DR. Mostly acting as if everything's fine is what seems to make H the most comfortable. I've looked at myself and changed what I didn't like about me for me. Will H ever really make it back to me? Will H ever appreciate how amazing it is that we have a second chance or something that smells like one anyway? Will he ever recognize OW as the fantasy and wake up one day and say holy cow how did I overlook that great chic who's making me breakfast cause amazingly she still loves me? Will he ever ask himself how he could have hurt me so badly without seeming to care?
