The Ultimatum

[fooled again]

It is very liberating and I feel such a sense of calm resolve. I know that my life is going to move forward now, and I am giving H one last chance to have an affect on which the direction it takes.

I met w/ my coach last night and it was a very good session. H had asked about staying over this w/end but I hesitated - again, I'm not sure about ML w/ him right now. My coach suggested that I tell him that I would love for him to stay over, but that I needed a show of faith from him and to ask him to put in his notice at his apt today and set up the meeting w/ OW for next week. She said, like you Jeannette, that I do need to make it clear that my conditions are non negotiable, and that unless he takes steps to move us forward, this is where it stops, but to do it in a loving an supportive way.

So then I called H and asked to come over to his place. When I got there he had a bottle of wine open and ready AND his cell phone was sitting out on the counter. I didn't say a word, but I did look at it and I know he saw me do so. Ater some small talk, I said what my coach suggested. I said "I don't want you to think that I don't want to spend time w/ you, or that I don't want to ML w/ you. I do, very much. I am ready to move forward w/ you, and no it's not too soon, as long as you are ready to move forward. But that is going to mean you have to be ready to take those steps that I need you to take for us to move forward." I said that I would like him to put in his notice to his landlord the next day (today). I said that I would like for him to set up the meeting w/ OW next week. I said if the money he owed her was a concern, we would find it and pay her so that we can get her out of our lives forever as soon as possible. I said that I wanted there to be no connection w/ her, no reason for her to contact him ever again. I said that I didn't want this meeting hanging over us for much longer. And I said that I wanted him to move back home as soon as possible, that even though he has to pay for his apt until the end of July, he doesn't have to live there until then.

He listened calmly and then said okay, then nothing and we sat on the couch & watched a little TV. After a bit I asked if he had anything else to say about what I had said. He said he agreed with everything I said. I said "everything?", and he said yes. I asked how that makes him feel and he said "a little scared and nervous". I paused, then said, "remember that I am scared and nervous too". He said "I know".

We didn't talk too much more, but cuddled and kissed on the couch until I had to go. I know H wanted more, but I also know that I will stick to my resolve and not move forward with him until he starts following through.

My coach, though obviously not able to predict the future, was quite encouraged by what I was telling her of my sitch and what my H was saying and doing. She felt that there was a strong possibility that my H would be able to do what I ask, but it really is up to him to determine if he is going to face up to his demons and what he has done and forgive himself. If he cannot, she reminded me, it is not about me, it would not be b/c I wasn't good enough, but rather it would be b/c he chose to run from his demons, and there isn't much I can do to change that. It is up to him now...

She also warned that I need to be very clear on why I am taking him back, b/c there will be days when he is back home when I will wake up and find myself very angry and resentful of him. I have read about this from others' posts who are "Piecing", that once they are back, alot of bad feelings resurface in the LBS. It will be up to me to look at my reasons for wanting him back to keep me focused on working through the resentment and keeping the positive changes going on my part.

So that's my update. I would like to be able to write in my next post that H has given his notice and that we are meeting OW on X day next week. For now, I'm breathing, I'm calm, I'm feeling balanced. I will hold onto those feelings through all of this, no matter what.

FA