I think you see now the strength -- the overwhelming pull -- of the addiction. Just google "PEAs love addiction" and you'll learn more about the fire with which you're playing.
You have a weakness, pure and simple. I do not judge you; we all have them. With some, it's alcohol. Others, it's drugs. Others, gambling, or sexual addiction.
You are addicted to OM, and the validation that he gives you.
You know this. What you DO about it, is entirely up to you.
Like anyone with a weakness, you need a support system, and an accountability system. I'm sorry to say it, dear, but this needs to include your husband. You need to tell him what happened, and pray that he'll forgive you and work with you and give you another chance. But to fail to do so is to make a sham of your marriage and its still-tender recovery.
I also agree with Karen: the no-contact needs to begin TODAY. I believe the very first couple of posts I ever posted to you were about this same subject -- calling "b.s." on you saying "I'm going to end it soon," if I remember correctly. You're playing with fire, and intentionally storing matches and lighter fluid in your secret place.
Get rid of them, and ask your husband for forgiveness, and God for forgiveness and strength to do the right thing.
