HC - If I were you, I would write the letter, but not give it to him. Write it because you need to get the feelings out there, but you are writing it for YOU and not for him so put it in a shoe box as a journaling exercise.
You (like most people, especially women) think that you can "help" him by becoming understanding now, when you weren't understanding in the past. That isn't really how it works. I believe he is probably so deeply hurt by your reactions and your early marriage that he isn't going to just read your letter and go "oh ok, I feel much better now that my wife gets it".
I also have some childhood abuse issues, and I'm not sure how to put this - but when you have these issues, people who do NOT have them really just cannot "get it". You can try, and you can be understanding, and you can learn about what an abuse survivor goes through, and you can be supportive to them - but you can't really "get it" yourself. It can "break" something in you that non-abused people do not have "broken", and since its not "broken" in them you can't really talk to them directly about it or be heard and understood completely. This is why counseling is imperitive.
But also...when you have abuse issues, you don't really know that you are broken until you take the time to search for answers to your behavior. And until you do that, you can't really improve or change. The abuse survivor is fairly clueless that their behavior is related to past events until it somehow smacks them in the face. Usually this must be self-discovered, because your defenses are up so high to all other people, that if someone tried to send the abuse survivor a link to the above mentioned website, the survivor may not even directly understand why it was sent to them. There is a huge disconnect there for a long time, until the survivor chooses to look within and deal with it.
You can gently nudge him toward those types of help, but don't be surprised if it isn't outright rejected.
I have to say I am a bit concerned about your thought process. I think you need to pull back from the situation even more and stop believeing that there is a magical fix for any of this, and take more responsibility within yourself - as I said in my other post to you on this thread. I was a bit surprised when your response to me was "no one can be blamed for what happened". Urm...well, that is one way of looking at it, and the word blame really doesn't even need to be used ... but I think your response really missed my point. I think if you could look a bit more reasonably at your past actions and just accept what it has done without worrying about blame per se, you will be in a better position to move forward. Especially now in the light of you saying that when your husband finally admitted his childhood sexual abuse to you, that you handled it poorly. These are the things we really need to accept that we messed up on and own it entirely, not run from it...I hope I am making any sense.
I can say that if I had opened up to my spouse about my childhood sexual abuse and he degraded me or somehow was unloving about it, I would have left him on the spot and never looked back. Just so you know how damaging that can be.
