I think he would say that the risky him is the real him, he just really supressed it. He lived away from home and got into trouble, and then moved here and re-invented himself. Got involved in church, met me, got married, more repression etc.
I only found about about his past a couple of years ago, and more revelations came out as late as last week. When we met he told me he had slept with 3 women!
I think he thinks he is unhappy because he is not being true to himself, and now the 'real' him is coming out, maybe he feels he might need to go back to that in order to be happy again?
He might have a porn habit, but to be honest anything that sheds more light on the current situation would only be a relief for me.
What else is he asking for? Well he's not asking for anything with me, I don't think he wants to do these things with me. I think he wants to be free again to do whatever he wants (keep getting the "I'm 38, I'll do what I want" speech).
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
"I only found about about his past a couple of years ago, and more revelations came out as late as last week. When we met he told me he had slept with 3 women!"
Timeframe? Before or after marriage. I am assuming this means at the same time.
"I think he thinks he is unhappy because he is not being true to himself, and now the 'real' him is coming out, maybe he feels he might need to go back to that in order to be happy again?"
"I think he wants to be free again to do whatever he wants (keep getting the "I'm 38, I'll do what I want" speech)."
This is midlife crisis kind of stuff, I think. Hopefully somebody a little sharper than me will step in on that stuff.
You may now have a two front war. If he is evaluating his life right now and is unhappy (I am 39 and kind of doing the same thing) then he may be trying to regain his lost youth. Again, need somebody with more experience here. This may just be piled on top of or beside the ten years worth of sexual rejection. Take a look at my posts where I vent about having married the wrong woman etc and my situation was not as bad!
I found out about his life before he met me a couple of years ago. The reason that it matters is that if I knew who he really was I would have probably 'run a mile' (C's words!). I've only got to know the real him very recently indeed.
I did wonder about some MLC stuff in there somewhere...
Thanks for your input, I did start to read your thread - my hat goes off to you. Glad to hear your son is doing better.
It's late here in the UK so I'm off to bed now. H away for the night with work, so really I should have made the most of a bedroom without atmosphere and got a decent night's sleep.
Happy
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
If you truly believe in a Christian conversion experience, then the real him is the one afterwards, not before. I am not judging you, just remiding you of your belief system (and his).
This is not without hope. Some guys want a red corvette (or Jag in UK) to capture their "lost youth". Your husband was engaged in sex sports when he was younger. Coupled with his abuse, this is a big portion of his identity. Those who were abused either become abusers or really need to demonstrate to themselves that they are not! ie, how many women can I bed?
Sexual promiscuity as an adult is a very common effect of sexual abuse as a child. Even following a sincere religious conversion, unless your husband has sought professional help / support groups to address and heal the deep psychological issues surrounding his abuse, there will be a continual pull to return to past unsafe behaviors. This is not a conscious decision, but an unconscious reaction to the abuse.
I haven't shared this here before (in a public forum), and still won't say much about it, but both my wife and myself are in the process of dealing with issues of past child abuse: sexual, physical, and emotional (between the two of us). These issues have severely affected our relationship and sex life in the past, and is part of why we are in therapy now.
I can give you two resources that will help to educate yourself on the topic, and him when he is ready.
(1) Get a copy of The Sexual Healing Journey, A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Wendy Maltz. There are other books on the topic, but this the one our current therapist recommends.
(2) Go visit the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) website and take a look at their Survivor to Thriver Manual, available in PDF or web-base formats.
If your husband has never sought professional help to deal with his past, then I can just about guarantee that it is affecting him and your relationship today -- your description of his 'wild' sexual past is pretty indicative. How to get him to address the issue is a difficult matter, and one that I can't give you any pointers on. He's somewhat correct it that it is a part of who he is right now, but it is something that can be addressed and modified --> if the goal of being truly happy within the boundaries of a monogamous relationship is something that he would really like to achieve.
It seems to me that his Christian conversion was a real effort on his part to change past dangerous behaviors and settle down into a 'normal' life -- he deserves a lot of credit for that effort. Unfortunately, it didn't work out the way either of you wanted, and he's probably feeling pretty 'burned' by the results of his efforts. That said, YOU have made a tremendous effort to change your own sexuality for the benefit of both of you, and you deserve to be commended for it. Is there any chance that he might be convinced to put forth a similar effort to address his own serious issues?
Best of luck to you,
Bagheera
Last edited by Bagheera; 06/13/0801:03 AM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
thanks so much for your reply. I appreciate your frankness about your own situation and it is brave to share it here, let alone for someone else's benefit. I have looked at the ASCA website and have looked at the manual. I did wonder if I should just email H the link but I think at the moment any 'advice' I give him is automatically dismissed. Maybe I'll just read it myself. I think it has spoken to me in as much as I didn't realise how much his abuse could still be effecting him and us today. He has never told his parents, and only told me 7 years ago. I have to say my reaction was appalling - I have since apologised. I was depressed at the time and... you know, I can't even bring myself to write it. It was a very selfish reaction.
Originally Posted By: Bagheera
It seems to me that his Christian conversion was a real effort on his part to change past dangerous behaviors and settle down into a 'normal' life -- he deserves a lot of credit for that effort. Unfortunately, it didn't work out the way either of you wanted, and he's probably feeling pretty 'burned' by the results of his efforts. That said, YOU have made a tremendous effort to change your own sexuality for the benefit of both of you, and you deserve to be commended for it. Is there any chance that he might be convinced to put forth a similar effort to address his own serious issues?
You obviously have read my thread very thoroughly and for that I am grateful. You really have summed it up very well indeed. I'm not sure that he realises that he has serious issues - well he knows there are things in him that are not healthy but I think he considers them just part of him rather than something that needs to be addressed.
I was very impressed on the thread about what happens when one wants to work on the R and the other doesn't, about seeing Cs separately to enable each spouse to talk openly. For this reason I have suggested that he take our next appt (not until July though) so he is able to talk without fear of what I might have to say in response. Maybe it might come up there.
Felt really listened to Bagheera. Thanks again.
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
I feel so full of remorse and sadness about the situation that I desperately want to write to him and say how sorry I am and I realise now how much the whole thing affected him. The other thing I am really tempted to do is to say I have spoken to others in a similar situation to him and that they have helped me to see things from the other side.
Not sure if the letter would be interpreted as 'desperate' and wonder if telling him about this site might be seen as manipulating or interfering, or even that I might be stressing the pro-marriage argument too strongly. Any thoughts NTE or anyone else?
Me:36 M:16 D final: 08/09 Ds:10&5 Ss:8&3 Bomb 3xPA 200 sexual encounters 15/06/08
No answers this post, just some reenforcement of what Bagheera was saying. He generally manages to get his point accross quite well. Your husband will need to find a very good counselor who is experienced in dealing with people who have been molested. I have watched a very good friend of mine go through this with his son, who was molested by a babysitter years ago. The effects of that event still reverberate through his life and his responses have been close to your husband's.
But, as a note of encouragement, the "real" husband you have is the one post conversion, not pre. Yes, it turns out he has some serious baggage to work through, but now you are begining to get a true picture of what that is. As I said before, you have a two front war and both require victory. Your marriage and sex life are one, his dealing with his abuse, the root of his sexual issues is the other. This is going to require some understanding, not pity, on your part to help him get through it all. These issues really lie at the root of how he feels about himself as a man. This will be a long term project.
I bow to whatever additional wisdom or correction some of the more experienced posters submit.
HC - If I were you, I would write the letter, but not give it to him. Write it because you need to get the feelings out there, but you are writing it for YOU and not for him so put it in a shoe box as a journaling exercise.
You (like most people, especially women) think that you can "help" him by becoming understanding now, when you weren't understanding in the past. That isn't really how it works. I believe he is probably so deeply hurt by your reactions and your early marriage that he isn't going to just read your letter and go "oh ok, I feel much better now that my wife gets it".
I also have some childhood abuse issues, and I'm not sure how to put this - but when you have these issues, people who do NOT have them really just cannot "get it". You can try, and you can be understanding, and you can learn about what an abuse survivor goes through, and you can be supportive to them - but you can't really "get it" yourself. It can "break" something in you that non-abused people do not have "broken", and since its not "broken" in them you can't really talk to them directly about it or be heard and understood completely. This is why counseling is imperitive.
But also...when you have abuse issues, you don't really know that you are broken until you take the time to search for answers to your behavior. And until you do that, you can't really improve or change. The abuse survivor is fairly clueless that their behavior is related to past events until it somehow smacks them in the face. Usually this must be self-discovered, because your defenses are up so high to all other people, that if someone tried to send the abuse survivor a link to the above mentioned website, the survivor may not even directly understand why it was sent to them. There is a huge disconnect there for a long time, until the survivor chooses to look within and deal with it.
You can gently nudge him toward those types of help, but don't be surprised if it isn't outright rejected.
I have to say I am a bit concerned about your thought process. I think you need to pull back from the situation even more and stop believeing that there is a magical fix for any of this, and take more responsibility within yourself - as I said in my other post to you on this thread. I was a bit surprised when your response to me was "no one can be blamed for what happened". Urm...well, that is one way of looking at it, and the word blame really doesn't even need to be used ... but I think your response really missed my point. I think if you could look a bit more reasonably at your past actions and just accept what it has done without worrying about blame per se, you will be in a better position to move forward. Especially now in the light of you saying that when your husband finally admitted his childhood sexual abuse to you, that you handled it poorly. These are the things we really need to accept that we messed up on and own it entirely, not run from it...I hope I am making any sense.
I can say that if I had opened up to my spouse about my childhood sexual abuse and he degraded me or somehow was unloving about it, I would have left him on the spot and never looked back. Just so you know how damaging that can be.
