thank you to all who have been following me and helping me. I managed to get a little sleep last night. I don't know what will happen today, but h as you know has dug up everything true and untrue about me to social services and it's been hell.

I'm going to go in their and fight (not literally screaming and yelling),but when I speak to the child advocate I'm just going to tell the truth because I KNOW I have been a good mother esp. since h has left. I have stood up to the plate with her in ways I didn't even know I had in me. I didn't break down in front of her, I put her needs first. This truth I know in my heart.

I can't believe h, this person I've shared a life with for 7 years whould stoop to this level, but at this point, there IS no point in trying to figure him out. He is where is he is.

I guess the bottom line is I'm going to have to accept what happens today. I truly don't know how I'm going to go forward if d doesn't come home and that's a possibility. I feel like I'm 18 when I first moved to NYC and I was totally alone.

I know I have my family and I know I have friends that care, but in the end they can only do so much. It was devistating enough when I got the bomb, then found out affair and h left us.

I just never thought he would do anything like this and I just want to say to everyone on this board, even if your h's or w's are leaving you, having affairs, thank the lord that you have your children with you. because this hurts on a level that is unbelievable.

I know I sound defeated, but I have to be realistic. I just can't imagine being in this house without her.

And I feel like a failure. I was never the PTA kind of mom. I always thought of myself as Lorelei Gilmore from that show the Gilmore Girls. I didn't have her until I was 33 and at the time I was recording for rca. but I love her more than words, I think God puts something inside you when you have a child, even if you never had that burning desire before to have one.

I never had that burning desire until I had her. And my h was a very involved father and his parents (mother) was OVERLY involved. We spent EVERY weekend with them until we bought this house. we're talking over the first 3 years of d's life. So on the weekends, my mother in law kind of took over and it was just easier to let her (hard to explain). I remember I bought a christmas outfit for d to wear and when we got there for christmas eve, she was angry because she already had an outfit for d. when I stood up for myself, it became a war. That is just one example.

So I just feel like i'm getting whhat I "deserve" in a way because I wasn't always the typical mother, but I swear to god, I have always loved that little girl with everything in me and would NEVER hurt her, never.

Anyway, say a prayer for me today. thanks for your support.