Quote: ll, you don't mean your h has been checking on it, do you?
yes it would imply that h was looking at it.
so things I heard from h this morning...
I'm sorry (for this past year)
I'm sorry (again for this past year)
yes I'm happy...
and I love you very much
we have a lot to look forward to
these statements came from a converstaion that I half started just by feeling frumpy...h asked if I felt frumpy and I let him know I did...that this past year has been long...that I'm scared etc.
I told h that I want to feel safe...
h let me know I am...to let my gaurd down when I'm comfortable doing so...
h knows I still have a bit of a wall up...h doesn't know how to break down that wall and seems to understand that it will be my choice not as a result of some grand gesture on his part...that with time I will open up.
I just wish I could find a way to break down that wall.
I let h know I always loved him...h responded with I've always loved you too.
time and patience I suppose...time and patience...I want to lift this cloud.
h should be home by noonish today and then he will work in the yard with the "loader" as son calls it (the bobcat) to level the "construction area" as son calls it to this afternoon put up the pool we bought (we bought an easy set pool to get us through till we are ready for a "real" pool)
Great to hear H has said those things to you. I know he means them.
You know that you controol that wall. When you are ready it will come down. I'm sure that H's words chipped away at it.
As for checking out ISMH.com, maybe he's as anxious as you for it to sell. Get rid of the monkey on his back. Also, could be admiring his landscaping! (I checked it out also and the landscaping is awesome!) I know it was shallow but I was curious.
Hope it's a good day. I just came back from the mall. Waiting for it to be sunny and dry up the moiature so I can mow the lawn.
Enjoy the day. Give me a call if you can to say hello.
been thinking of you, got your phone messages but haven't had the opportuninty to call you back yet, hope you are doing ok...as soon as I can get dd to take her nap I'll give you a ring.
Quote: As for checking out ISMH.com, maybe he's as anxious as you for it to sell. Get rid of the monkey on his back. Also, could be admiring his landscaping! (I checked it out also and the landscaping is awesome!) I know it was shallow but I was curious.
hmmmm??? how do you know what house it is?? I assume maybe just maybe he was looking at the landscaping, he was always proud of that job...I recall many many years ago when he did the initial instiallation of the landscaping he drove me by to show it to me...he used to do that kinda thing alot before kiddos...drive around and show me his work.
I know he is anxious to have her gone...I wonder if that is so that the threat is gone...or so that the urge to stop by cannot be given into?? I just wish I knew if he still thought of her "that way" or not anymore.
Quote: You know that you controol that wall. When you are ready it will come down. I'm sure that H's words chipped away at it.
I know that wall is mine and mine alone to deal with...thing is I think that wall in some way or anther has always been there...sure I can kid myself and say that I've always been open and expressed myself with h...but have I ever fully allowed myself to trust and truly love him??? I think I have always been afraid to let my gaurd down and have always been prepared to be hurt by anyone including him...sort of self defeating in a way though isn't it..now that I'm aware that I put up that wall...what h has done is making it hard for me to let it down.
Quote: (I checked it out also and the landscaping is awesome!)
yes!! h is awesome at what he does!! and that wasn't even a great piece of property...ours has a lot more to offer...I can't even imagine what this place will look like ten years from now.
when h said he was happy...it was after asking me if I was happy...I replied that my happines is not what's in question...he again asked if I was happy...I said yes but that I'm also afraid....asked if he was happy...he said yes I'm happy...tired..but happy.
so we are both tired...we are both happy...we both love eachother..we both want this to work..we both want to feel free to love the other...we both want to feel loved by the other...
I think in time things will be just fine..if I can stop being afraid.
I feel that in time...you and your h will be very fine!!..You are now on the double roller coaster ride of piecing all the things that have been threatened and questioned the past few years.It is bound to take a very long time, but ain't it grand that you found this place and us to help you...I truly believe that most of us here would probably be very close to or involved in d court...we have learned so much about ourselves and what it takes to save a marriage..rather than the easy way out. No one really ever told us it would be hard hard work..when I first started the book, I thought piece of cake, I'll read it, start to apply some changes..and boom he'll come back..wrong...as you are finding out in the next phase..it is continuous. There are days you question "why bother trying anymore..doesn't seem to be working"..but it is..miraculously it is.
Keep up the great work..you are an awesome example for the ones who have not made it this far.
LL -- Just curious...have you ever made a list of things that h. could be doing (or both of you could be doing) that you think would help rebuild trust?
I had made such a list right after dday. when I was in the midst of my mini-meltdown this week I pulled it out and realized that h. is doing quite a few things on it already...that was heartening but also was a good reminder for me that much of my trust needs to come from the inside.
Perhaps a list could help point you and h in the right direction?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
last night a friend volunteered herself to babysit..so h and I went out for a bit...
we were talking about sleeping...and my lack of it..I just don't give in..push myself to stay awake always have..
this somehow led to the topic of going on line..
speaking of going on line...
led to my asking h about his going to the ismh.com site and looking at her house...
h said he looked...wanted to see if it had sold yet...
I asked if he missed her...
he said no...
I asked if he was being honest...
he said "I'm right were I want to be"
he is happy...
again said sorry...
said...maybe someday I'll have an elaborate explenation for why this all happend but right now I just don't.
let him know that I'm still having a hard time some days with it...
again he said sorry..
let me know that he always cared about me..always...and that said something to him...let me know that it was ME that he cared about...it wasn't just the kids.
h had a great day yesterday..even though he spent the majority of it working in the yard...as I said before we were invited to go to bil's house..but h declined..he wanted to stay home and enjoy his house...knowing we'd be home..I invited my mother and her bf to come over...then learning that cousins who live down the road would be around doing nothing I invited them over as well.
h woke early with us...started in on the yard work..preping the area to put up the "pool" had to build a semi retaing wall to make the area level...mowed the lawn...started setting up the pool...
I did the grilling...
h couldn't say enough times what a great day it was...the weather..his ability to get so much done...while he was mowing the lawn I asked him if he was enjoying himself..he said "yes, I'm doing exactly what I want to do"
so h was happy doing yardwork...taking an ocassional break to eat and chat a few...but getting accomplished things that he wants done.
durning the cookout I mentioned wanting to get an octagon picnic table to put by the deck, the deck holds a table that seats 6...and I'd like the octagon table to take the overflow still keeping people together.
h asked if we could re schedule our c appointment tonight..he wants to just get some stuff done around here...stressed we'd do it together and therefore would still have "us" time...
I had to make some adjustments on the pool as it's filling.
I called him to let him know I had made the adjustments and may be able to have it all finished by the time he gets home...that his mother is still offering to sit if we'd like to still go to c.
h expressed that he still wants to go but would prefer to just relax with me this evening...and we can go next monday again stressed that he's not saying he doesn't want to go just that tonight he would prefer to just chill.
I am ok with that!!
ok the conversation had more tid bits in it but here's the kicker..
eventually at the end of the conversation I said
" can I say something else" "sure" "I love you" " I love you too, and I ordered an octogon table and may be able to bring it home tonight" "you're funny! thank you, I love you" "I love you too"
aint it grand...
now my LL isn't gifts...but h's is...and since h heard me..that feeds into qt (he was there, he heard and he acted)
now if I could just accept that life is good and I am safe with h!
